Adoption
Do you plan to continue working after baby/child arrives?
I was filling out an application for an agency this weekend and it questioned child care. When I look at profiles of other couples, I notice many will have a SAHM. I guess DH and I (especially after the adoption cost) will not have much of a choice and both of us will work. I feel like I am being greedy by wanting so badly to adopt a child and then I will be leaving the child in care of a facility part time and family part time. I'm curious as to how others handle this and am also looking for comfort that it's not wrong to adopt a child and then leave them for 40 hours a week.
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Re: Do you plan to continue working after baby/child arrives?
I plan to be a SAHM. But if my situation were different, I could easily see myself going back to work after adopting a baby. As it stands, my commute is too long, my particular job too non-child-friendly, and the additional income too inconsequential for it to be the best idea for me.
I have worked with at least a couple of women who adopted babies and returned to full-time work after maternity leave. Their children are/were all happy, healthy, well-adjusted individuals. There's nothing wrong with going back to work after adopting.
I think it's perfectly normal to feel greedy or guilty about it, but it's the decision that works for you.
DH and I just talked about this yesterday. For me, I would not be happy as a SAHM. I love teaching and wouldn't want to give that up. I wouldn't mind teaching part-time, but as of now, that is not an option. Financially, we both need to work. The good news is that we have summers off and my mom offered to help out.
In terms of "am also looking for comfort that it's not wrong to adopt a child and then leave them for 40 hours a week," I see it the same way as I had given birth. I wouldn't feel any more or less guilty then either. The only extra factor is the cost of the adoption itself, which I imagine is more expensive than birth, assuming one has insurance.
Do you think it would be wrong to have a biological child and leave them for 40 hours while you worked?
The only reason I am currently listed as a SAHM is because I got laid off, otherwise I would have adopted and gone back to work after my maternity leave was over. I like working, I enjoy being productive and having something interesting to discuss with Dh when we both get home. Plus in order to afford the type of lifestyle that we want, owning a home, being able to travel and pay for college some day, we both need to work. I think that day care, and socializing with other children, is a good thing for a child, it gives them social skills and gets them used to being around other people.
I don't think either is wrong, I guess just putting it on paper prior to baby arriving, whether bioligically or adopted, I just felt this rush of guilt. I enjoy working and like my job. DH and I do very well and we both make about the same. If I were to quit and stay home it would drastically change our future financial goals.
Hi there! I am a working mom now. I make significantly more than DH. Although DH has a decent salary, it would be extremely difficult--if not impossible--for us to survive in our current house on his salary alone. We cannot sell our house in this market, so we both work. Sure we would prefer that one of us stay home, but that isn't a possibility right now. Once the adoption happens, I will take some time off, but we will both continue to work for a while. Hopefully I can SAH at some point in the future.
I have a full time live out nanny who is here during the work day. I also work from home 3-4 days a week, so I get to see my son during the day. It think it makes for a good balance.
As for the guilt? There is nothing wrong with being a working mom. However, I do need to warn you that going back to work after you have / adopt a child is extremely difficult. I cried the entire first day back. I felt like a horrible mother, and missed my guy so much. I knew that I wasn't a horrible mother and that I wasn't doing a bad thing, but I still felt that way. I hated to leave my little boy. I imagine that I will feel the exact same way with our next child. Just know that those feelings are normal, but there is nothing wrong with adopting or birthing a child and then working.
HTH
I plan to be a "3/4" SAHM.
Birth parents are always looking for different things and you never know what will excite them about you (perhaps it would be if you were a SAHM and some might want working parents). Some agencies require SAHMs too, I have seen.
Our agency required, I believe, that you take 6 weeks before daycare and of course many daycares will not accept babies under 6 weeks of age.
You have to do what is best for you. Biological parents (especially mothers) struggle with this too.
I have no intention of leaving my career. I will take 3 months off for maternity leave, then go back to work. I work (4) 10-hour shifts a week now and will probably cut back to 3 per week for a while after the LO comes home.
Luckily, I can also request to work mostly evenings - which means I don't go in until 2 pm. DH can be home by 4 or 5, so it's only a few afternoons a week of daycare or Nana-time.
I was planning to SAH when we started the process, but then the economy tanked and I'm afraid that if either of us leaves his job, we'd be in a position where the other could get laid off (since everyone's at risk) and we'd be completely screwed.
Instead, I'm hoping to drop to part-time when the time comes.
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I would love to be a SAHM but it's not feasible. DH is a teacher, and it would be so hard to live on his salary.
However, our preference is to have a SAHP, so DH will take a few years off of FT teaching (he hopes to keep a Zero Period) to stay home w/children.
I would guess that there are some BMs that don't like the idea of a SAHD. I guess they won't choose us.
As much as I want it, it does make me wonder how the dynamics will change in our relationship. Then again, dynamics will change as soon as a baby arrives
I have struggled with this, because for most of my life I have wanted to be a SAHM. ?However, I know I was "called" to my chosen profession, and I feel a bit guilty that after 12 years of training I would consider giving my career up. ?I mean, I do love my job and my patients, as well as the residents I'm training. ?It's also especially hard, since I am a mentor to other young women in training, and there are so few female "role models" in our program, KWIM?
Fortunately, my workplace is extremely family-friendly, and I am sure we will be able to adjust our schedules so one or the other of us is always home (we both work at the same place). ?I will likely be able to work only 3 or 4 half days a week. ?If for some reason we can't work it out, I will stay home, because I think, in my heart, that this is more important to me. ?However, I don't think it's selfish for an adopted child to go to day care. ?You have to do what is best for your family.
Read "In Praise of Stay-At-Home-Moms" from your local library. Try to spend as much time with your child as you can no matter what your situation. Try to cut out the things in your life that are costing you that time. You can fill your life with things, the best of the best in clothing, toys, home...but you can't get back that time. People all over make it work, they just decide what is important to them.
Good luck.
Carolyn