Just placed in a classic no-win situation

Rebekah1021

I seriously give up.

Tomorrow we are going to the inlaws for a parade. The parade route goes right past their house and we all climb the small hill to the street to watch. My MIL does this little party for all of the grandkids in the family,

Well, DH informed MIL that he was going to bring his gma. (MIL is his step-mom, his bio mom died. This is bio mom's mom). I wasn't in on this decision. Mil isn't too keen on him doing this. Neither am I for the same reasons. She obviously, can't get up the hill, so someone has to sit with her down in the yard and miss the parade. She doesn't talk, so there is a lot of awkard silences and then needs help getting up to go the bathroom and the backyard is full sun and she's practically transparent.

Well, MIL wasn't very happy about it. I told DH that he needs to make sure he spends some time down in the yard with her if I have to. MIL just feels like she needs to entertain her and then she misses out on the parade, which is why she has the party.

I feel awful about it - but am determined to enjoy the afternoon and the parade.

Brideofranken

if she's his guest, I would expect that he should spend the entire time caring for her- I think its nice that he is close with her, but I don't see why it would be up to you to sit with her?

also, why would she want to go to a function that wasn't any fun for her?

oh my god I am scared of getting older...

jen5-03

Why would you sit with her??? Stay at the party and hang on to MIL's arm so she can stay with her own grandkids, for pete's sake! DH's decision  = DH's responsibility. Not "some time" with her, all the time.

Is there no way to get her up the hill? Drive her up? Wheelchair? Little red wagon? Ride-on lawnmower???

cristiana

Maybe I'm missing something, but you sound a little (or a lot) lacking in the compassion department.

breezee_bean

I am with cristiana, maybe I am missing something, too.  But you are sounding so disrespectful towards the Grandmother.  To say, "She doesn't talk, so there is a lot of awkard silences and then needs help getting up to go the bathroom and the backyard is full sun and she's practically transparent."  Makes it sound like you can't be bothered with a hinderance like her.  And, that's really sad!  I think that it's so sweet that your DH wants the Grandma to be included. 

It's one of my HUGE pet-peeves when people see older people as a drain or hinderance.  I would be ashamed of myself if I talked about my Grandma or DH's Grandma in a way that made it seemed as though I was inconvenienced by their disability. 

Seriously, this post really makes me sad. 

breezee_bean

jen5/03:

Why would you sit with her???

because it might be the *nice* thing to do? 

 

breezee_bean

Brideofranken:

if she's his guest, I would expect that he should spend the entire time caring for her- I think its nice that he is close with her, but I don't see why it would be up to you to sit with her?

also, why would she want to go to a function that wasn't any fun for her?

oh my god I am scared of getting older...

If God-forbid my Grandad's Alzheimer's gets worse, and as long as he wasn't a danger to himself or people around him.  Why would I exclude him from a family function.  It's important to be around family. 

fnkeefresh

This makes me sad.  Just because she doesn't talk, doesn't mean she won't enjoy herself.  Older people love kids, maybe DH can get a few people to rotate 5-10 minutes at a time sitting with her with one or two of their kids.  That way no one really has to "entertain her", the kids will do it w/out even trying!

Brideofranken

Oh- I agree- but Shes not related to anyone there except the husband, and she is the mother of the MIL's husband's first wife (that'd be weird for some people! (also there have been a large number of posts about her re: her seriously manipulative behaviors (if this is who I am remembering-and correctly)

I definitely agree that the elderly should be respected, and deserve love- but I also feel for rebekah. I think there would be a much beter way to spend time with her husband's gram, and I also might have a diff. opinion if she's not who I am thinking of from previous posts.  If the family was headed for a mountain clmbing trip, she wouldn't be included- but I assume that they would make time to take her out to dinner or invite her over another time.

you know?

and also, I am kind of a jerk.

 

marchbaby

While it may be a bit harder to deal with, I think its really sweet that your DH thought of his grandmother!  She may not be able to talk or move around, but I bet the fact that she is involved and surrounded by family will totally make her day (probably month)!  I realize its harder to deal with elderly family, but I try to remember that some day I'll be the elderly one!

marchbaby

Also, isn't there some way to get her to the parade?  Maybe someone could carry her up there if you can't wheel her up the hill?  I bet she'd love seeing the parade too and watching her great grandkids enjoy it! 

vtgirl

Ok I am going to be completely honest with you here only because I know you have posted about your frustrations before with your DH and his Gma- whether it be bringing her to dinner or doing her laundry, etc. I know it must be hard, but being on the outisde looking in, I see a compassionate man (DH) trying his best to be involved in his biological grandmothers life. His mother is gone and while he may have had the step mother in his life, he is obviously close to his grandma which is not a bad thing. I think that it's sweet he wants to bring her and I would not spend a second thinking about the dynamic between your DH and his step mom. Go and enjoy the parade, watch DD run around with her cousins and know that you have a very sweet loving DH that is willing to care for an ailing old woman- I don't see how it can get much better than that honestly. Hope you enjoy your day!

hopefulmom

Is it possible for him to drive her up to the street early and she can just camp out in a chair.  That way she can enjoy the parade too.  If that is not possible I say he needs to stay "back" with her.  Too bad he'll miss the parade.  It is hard with elderly people...you DO miss out on things just because they can't do them.  It's not like there isn't going to be another parade and I'm sure he's seen many in his day.  lol

magnoliablossom

Brideofranken:

Oh- I agree- but Shes not related to anyone there except the husband, and she is the mother of the MIL's husband's first wife (that'd be weird for some people! (also there have been a large number of posts about her re: her seriously manipulative behaviors (if this is who I am remembering-and correctly)

I definitely agree that the elderly should be respected, and deserve love- but I also feel for rebekah. I think there would be a much beter way to spend time with her husband's gram, and I also might have a diff. opinion if she's not who I am thinking of from previous posts.  If the family was headed for a mountain clmbing trip, she wouldn't be included- but I assume that they would make time to take her out to dinner or invite her over another time.

you know?

and also, I am kind of a jerk.

 

I think some of of the pp are not familiar with her dh's grandma from previous posts. 

Her DH takes grandma to dinner weekly.  He spends lots of time with her so it isn't a situation of never spending time with her so he should bring her along.  Rebekah also does all of grandma's laundry for her.  It isn't like she doesn't care for her, but it is more like this isn't the place for her to be.  KWIM?  It isn't her family but her grandson's family.  The environment doesn't sound like it is the best place for her to get around either.  I can understand R's frustration here especially since her DH history on how he practially ignores her and his dd when he is with his gma.  It has great potential for being a not so pleasant experience.  But I hope it ends up to be a pleasant day none the less.  GL!

emilykristene2006

vtgirl:

Ok I am going to be completely honest with you here only because I know you have posted about your frustrations before with your DH and his Gma- whether it be bringing her to dinner or doing her laundry, etc. I know it must be hard, but being on the outisde looking in, I see a compassionate man (DH) trying his best to be involved in his biological grandmothers life. His mother is gone and while he may have had the step mother in his life, he is obviously close to his grandma which is not a bad thing. I think that it's sweet he wants to bring her and I would not spend a second thinking about the dynamic between your DH and his step mom. Go and enjoy the parade, watch DD run around with her cousins and know that you have a very sweet loving DH that is willing to care for an ailing old woman- I don't see how it can get much better than that honestly. Hope you enjoy your day!

I agree with this. Why would you give your DH a hard time about being compassionate? My great grandfather just passed away on Thursday. He was very old, couldn't get around very well and couldn't hear a thing you said to him. No one in our family has ever thought of him as a burden. We always made sure he was comfortable at all the family functions. It was sad enough that he himself felt like he was a burden. He wasn't.

Is there more to this? Why is it a "classic no-win situation"? I think you win because you have a very sweet DH who wants his grandma there when it seems like no one else does. She won't be around forever. Let him enjoy her while he can.

Rebekah1021

It's classic no win because there is a back story. I have posted many times about DH and his gma and Sunday dinners with her.

I don't think she's a burden at all. I do all of her grocery shopping and her laundry. This was simply an event where it was just not convenient to have her there. The hill is quite steep, it's full sun all day and the party was supposed to be for the little kids.