Old Wounds Reopened

mcdev

My best friend is having her scheduled c-section tomorrow morning. ?Another girlfriend and I went over tonight to calm her nerves and keep her busy. ?I thought it would be fun hanging out with her one last night before the baby came. ?I was so wrong. ?We went into the baby's room and admired all the clothes perfectly hung in the closet...her bag packed by the door...her manicure and pedicure...everything completely ready and perfect for the birth of her son. ?The conversation flowed from her excitement about what he would look like, to her worries that he might be too big for the homecoming outfit she bought....

I feel like such a terrible friend, but I felt angry the entire time I was there. ?Not angry at HER, just angry in general about how robbed I still feel. ?Claire is TWO and Keira is ONE for God's sake. ?I thought I was over all this stuff. ?I'm supposed to go visit her tomorrow night after my husband gets home from work, but I honestly wonder if I should go. ?She is delivering in the same hospital I had my girls and where they had their NICU stays. ?I feel oddly scared to see what a "typical" post partum stay at that hospital is like...baby with mom...family all around....no monitors....

I'm afraid going and seeing it all from the other side is going to reopen some of my old wounds I would much rather leave as they are. ?Does this make me a bad friend? ?Don't ask me why, but as close as we are I would never feel comfortable telling her any of this. ?I don't really feel like saying any of this out loud to anyone except to my husband. ?I would probably just lie and say I couldn't come visit b/c DH had to work late or something. ?(I know...lame.) ?WWYD? ?And reassurance that I'm not crazy would be nice too! ?;)

NotJustAnAuntie

I think you're a good friend. You're aware that you might not be in the best place to visit her tomorrow; maybe holding off until she's home would be better. I totally know where you're coming from... my sister is 26 weeks with her 2nd totally uneventful pregnancy, and she wants me there while she labors and when the baby is born, like I was when her first was born. But it's the same hospital, down the hall from the OR where Max was born, and I don't know if I can do it. Big (((HUGS))) Take the time if you need it; I wouldn't worry about it unless she calls looking for you... I'm sure she'll understand if you explain it to her later...

mcdev

Thank you. ?And I know I will be fine seeing her little one once he's home. ?It's just the fact that it's the same hospital that has me a little shaken up. ?Good luck to you too in your decision making. ?That is a tough situation for sure.

TriciaJoy

One of my best friends gave birth in our hospital while Robbie was still there. (she was 10 weeks more pregnant than me.. so had her baby 4 weeks after me) I went up to visit her and it was so................weird.

My baby was downstairs still on a ventilator.. I had to ask permission to hold him and hope he decided to remember to breathe..

There she was, baby in her room, nursing.. I felt like I was in a different world.

It's just weird for us. We're back at the hospital a lot for appts and seeing new moms wheeling out with their newborns.. it still just cuts me like a knife..

I think you're normal and should do what keeps you sane.

 

preemieparent

I know exactly how you are feeling.  I had some of the issues - and it was my sister.

She had her baby almost a year ago. I hosted her shower and thought everything was totally fine.   My mom came down and of course all she did was talk about my sister, how big she was, blah, blah.  I was just boiling on the inside.  Everything bugged me.  At first I didn't realize why but suddenly it clicked - I was angry because both of my baby showers came after the baby was in the NICU.

I went to the hospital and got there right after her son was born.   It was so surreal.   The nurse was just swaddling him, checking things out, and the my sister got to nurse him right away.   Heck, I never got to nurse Olivia because of all her issues.     I just couldn't relate at all.  

So now that I've talked about me - sorry.  I don't think you are a bad friend.  It's better to keep some distance than be there and potentially cause bad feelings over something that other people won't understand.    Being aware of the issue is the most important part.

Aidge

You are not crazy at all, and your feelings are completely justified. ?As happy as I am that my friends are having happy, healthy, and term pregnancies, I get a pang of jealousy and resentment every now and then. ?I think it's normal, and I know that we will feel like this for a very long time, b.c we will never get back what we lost (meaning those last months of pregnancy). ?Hugs to you...

april062604

i'm sorry you had to be in such an uncomfortable situation. ?i think that being around a full-term pregnant mom will always make me feel like screaming to her "do you know how freakin' lucky you are?". ? bottom line, unless ?you're been through the preemie experience you'll never get it. ?the friends i've tried to explain it to who i thought could get it still don't and that only makes me feel worse. ?that's what makes this board so wonderful...we can vent to each other. ?

kcswifey

I feel like I have posted this at least a couple of times in the last 8 months!  You are NOT crazy!  I think it is completely normal to be a little jealous of the "normal" experience your friend is having.  You are being a very good friend.  Even though you are having sad feelings about your early deliviries and not-so-normal pregnancies you still are there for your friend.  If it is too much to go to the hospital, don't.  Your friend will understand...that's why she's your friend!

My best friend just had her second normal, uneventful, vaginal delivery last month.  Throughout her pregnancy I discussed a lot of the emotions I was having with her.  When it came time to visit her in the hospital I made sure to tell her that I was looking forward to seeing what a normal birthing experience was like, baby in the room and all, but that it may make me a little sad that I never experienced that.  She understood and was happy I came.  It turns out I was more excited about seeing her and her new babe and I hardly even had time to compare it to my experience. (HOWEVER...it was not the same hospital!!).  Huge ((hugs)) to you...do what feels right for you and know that we will all be here if you need some more support!

ShanaNChris

I totally understand how you feel. I went to visit my cousin at the same hospital I delivered at about 7 months after Lily was born, and was totally ready to have a full-blown meltdown. I surprised myself when I didn't have a breakdown and went and visited the NICU and chatted with a lot of the nurses that cared for me and Lily. In a weird way I felt like it was my hospital, I had lived and breathed that place for 65 days, she was going to be in and out in 2 days, none of the staff would probably even remember her or her baby. She told me that some of her nurses asked about me and Lily, I felt like they had shared a huge part of my life with me and still care.

But I totally get it. Sometimes when I listen to someone's simple pregnancy and birth story, I think, "that b!tch has no clue". ha!