S/O to using names to honor people post

wisc.bride

I really disagree.  I've lost a brother named Daniel Jerome and a sister named Dorothy Jo.  I love the idea of honoring them but absolutely hate the idea of another Daniel or Dorothy (or Dorie as we called her)!!!!  A few family friends have used Daniel and deep down I'll never forgive them!  There was already a Daniel and Dorothy- another simply can't compare and shouldn't spend their whole life living up to a ghost.  I do think if this one is a girl at least the middle name will be Danielle (spin off of Daniel) and if it's a boy the middle name might be something with Jo. 

You have to think about the families- maybe they'd prefer you NOT use their loved ones' names.  I sure as h3ll would hate it!  My cousin just had a little girl and before she had her she told me if it was a boy she was going to name him Daniel Jerome.  That's right- my dead brother's name (who she wasn't even close to)!!  Plus he was a junior so it's also my dad's name.  Dumb!

Temp159135562506975

i agree- you should always ask.

my DH used to say he wanted to name a son of ours Matthew, after his dad and brother who were both Matthews... They both died 2 months apart, a year before DH and I met.

I felt bad but had to tell him that i just couldn't do it - b/c that name with our last name (Matthew D-name)  together makes me think of nothing but saddness... b/c I don't have the years of happy memories behind the name that he has... to me, all i think of is his mother and SIL being depressed and sad all the time b/c "that named" person is gone.

We will use Matthew as a middle name for one of the twins, which i'm fine with. My nephew is also a Matthew, and so is one of DH's nephews- so it's actually "honoring" many people in both our families - but without being so "in your face" about it.

jebuell

But at the same time if my middle name was Elle instead of Elaine my parents couldn't claim I was named after my aunt.  Her name was Elaine- not Elle or Eleanor or Elaina, etc.  They had a lot of options to honor her with a name and not literally name me after her, but they WANTED to literally give me her namesake.   Now my first name is INSPIRE by both my Mom and my Dad (they combined the two), but I am not their namesake.

I think there's a big different between honoring someone in a name (like "Daniel" in the name "Danielle") and literally giving the person their namesake.   So it depends on what you want to do.  Yes, you can honor someone any way you want by mixing initials or similar sounds, etc.  But it's not giving them that persons namesake.  Make sense?

wisc.bride

I suppose that's my point- I don't agree with giving kids people's namesakes (specifically when it is someone who is passed).  That will always be someone elses' son or daughter that chose that name for them and every single time they hear a new person called the same name it hurts.  For the kid I know that was named after my brother (his dad and my brother were friends in highschool) I can't even call him by his name when I see him (which luckily isn't often). 

I figure to each their own but it hurts- a lot- when I think about someone purposely using my siblings' names without asking our family.  It's like, "Oh, hey, I know you lost your siblings but it's more important to us to have a story for our kid's name than to make sure you're okay with it."  I'm clearly oversensitive to the situation because we just went through it (when my cousin wanted to use his first & middle names) but it's a big deal to me, my remaining sister, & our parents.

jebuell

Hm, I guess we just disagree.  My Godbrother (we were very close and raised like siblings) passed away a few years ago and it's one of the names I want to use.  Yes, I miss him dearly, but hearing his name doesn't cause me pain- it makes me happy.  I remember all the wonderful memories I have of him and remember who he was and it makes me smile, sometimes even laugh.  I tend to think about him a lot when I'm driving on my commute and it makes it go faster, and never once have I pulled into work in tears.  I guess it's just a different way to look at death and honoring those who have passed away.  I've never been big on the whole mourning thing.  Sure, when he first died I couldn't smile for weeks, cried all the time, even saw a therapist to help get through it.  But once that phase passed and I got to the acceptance part of mourning that was it for me.  I never shed another tear because he wouldn't want that.  He was one of those people who was so full of life you actually felt more alive when you were with him, so to sit there crying for him would probably really piss him off!

But he died in 2001 and I'll admit it took me several months to get to the point where I could stop crying when I heard his name, and a year or so to get to the point I'm at now.  So if I had a baby back then I don't think I could've done it.  But now, yeah, it's something I would seriously consider.   Of course, I WILL be telling his parents and asking for their blessing before going ahead.  And we're thinking of using it for a MN, not a first name.  

DarcyLongfellow

While I agree with your point that it's probably better to ask someone (in this case, the parents) before naming a baby after a child who died, I don't agree with your general viewpoint.

My younger brother died when he was 18.  He was named after our grandfather, who died when he was 35.  If one of my cousins chose to name a child after my brother, I would think it was wonderful and touching.  So would my parents.

I haven't decided yet if I would name my son after my brother.  But in no way would anyone be insulted or hate it if I chose to do so.  People are different -- I'm sure your cousin was trying to honor your brother and not insult you.

Also, I think that the situation of a child who died young is very, very different from naming after a relative who died of old age. 

wheelenl

I'm the one who wrote that post and I totally see your point. My issue (and by issue, I don't mean something that keeps me up at night but just something that I think is silly) is when people make up a name or force a made-up name that mishmashes two names just to say they are honoring someone, when either of the original names is a better and perfectly good option.

And of course it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, it's just to me that's a curiosity. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to name someone "Brenda" right now--it's pretty dated--but then don't pretend that Dalilah is to honor Brenda because it starts with "da". You just like the name Dalilah, and that's okay.

I think it's also different naming someone after someone who passed long ago, especially an older relative, versus someone who died recently.  For some that's comforting, for others, it opens a new wound. It's up to that familiy.

wheelenl

Oh, but I would add, is she really naming him after your brother? Daniel is not exactly a rare name. But I agree she should have asked if she thought it would bother you.