XP: Kinda BR: Need advice (long!)

marinewife51

I will apologize in advance for the length of this post and thank, in advance, all those who read the whole thing

I have a dillema. I live in a small-ish subdivision which is quite unfriendly. The only neighbors that we have ever talked to are on the left side of our house. The neighbors on the right are an older couple who watch their grandson, who is 4 years old, 7 days a week from 8am to 8 or 9pm. I have never had a conversation with them or seen them outside for more than 2 minutes in the 4 years we have lived here. Their grandson plays outside all by himself all day long. We recently had garage sales in our neighborhood and these neighbors had one, so DS and I walked over to say hi (I'm trying to be the change I want to see!) and the grandmother didn't really want to converse much, but did promptly tell me that their son's wife left him and the 4 year old when he was 3 months old and that's why they have to watch him so much.

So, on more than one level, my heart breaks for this child. He's alone all day long and he doesn't have a mother. Since the weather's been nicer and DS loves to be outside I have been outside a lot. It has gotten to the point that I cannot so much as open my front door or back door (to my fenced in back yard) without this 4 year old running over and begging to play with me. He's lonely, I get that, and he's a sweet child so I don't mind him coming over once in awhile, but I'm not over exaggerating when I say that I cannot step out of my house without him coming over.

An example of how it goes is from yesterday. At 11am I took DS out in the backyard to push him in the swing. Neighbor boy runs over and climbs the fence and begs to come over and play. I tell him that I'm pushing DS in the swing and then I have company coming over, so now's not a good time. He says, "Ok. I'll check back in 45 minutes!" and 3 minutes later comes back and says, "Ok, it's been 45 minutes, can I come play now PLEEEEASE?" I tell him no and feel "pressured" at this point to bring DS inside because neighbor kid just hangs on the fence and begs please, please, please even though I am ignorning him. So, at 12pm my sister and her friend come over so her friend can do our hair. I keep the slider door to the back open so DS can play on the deck outside and come inside as he wants. In the next 2 hours neighbor boy yells over AT LEAST 5 times begging to come play, even though I already told him no because I have company. My sister leaves at 2pm and DS goes down for a nap. I want to sit in the sun on the deck and read a book...in the next hour neighbor boy asks another 5 times if he can come play, even though I told him no bcDS is taking a nap and I am reading. At 5pm I take DS outside in the front yard to wait for DH to get home. Neighbor boy comes over and asks to play and I let him stay over and he just played with DS's toys by us.

Now, this happens every day I'm home and want to take DS outside.

Ok, so whew...my dillema is this...I don't know how to handle this situation because 1) He's not coming over to play with DS, he's coming to play with ME. DS is 13 months and needs my supervision (obviously) and I want to play with HIM outside. I work parttime and when I am home I love to spend time outdoors with DS because he's exploring, and learning, and loving it! My time with DS is precious! And 2) I never see his grandparents, and even if I did I don't know what I would say! This poor kid is so lonely and my heart aches for him, but I can't be responsible for entertaining him all the time. I have to have boundaries so that I can enjoy time with my son too.

ANY ADVICE? I've asked everyone I know and no one has any ideas because it's such a tender situation. This boy needs attention, and I don't mind giving it to him occassionally! And, it just breaks my heart to turn him away because I feel like I'm the only interaction he gets all day, you know?

Thankyou for reading this novel...it's been therapuetic just to write it out...

mikeandmonica

I would go over to the grandmother and just tell her that you would be happy to set up times for the kid to come play (if you really would be), but that you can't be watching him every time you are outside because you want to enjoy your time with DC as well.  Just tell her that you don't want to be mean/rude, but that you just can't continue the way you are now.  Would that work?

MrsSledge

I don't know how much work you are willing to put into this, but could you check out activities that may be free or low cost that could get him to interact with kids of his own age and suggest them to the grandma?  You could say something like, 4yo is so sweet to want to play so much, unfortunately with DS I don't have the kind of time to play alot, but I found this great playgroup/playground/activity and thought you may be interested in taking him so he could play with kids his age.

marinewife51

mikeandmonica:

I would go over to the grandmother and just tell her that you would be happy to set up times for the kid to come play (if you really would be), but that you can't be watching him every time you are outside because you want to enjoy your time with DC as well.  Just tell her that you don't want to be mean/rude, but that you just can't continue the way you are now.  Would that work?

I would hope that a simple conversation would take care of it, but I have my doubts. During the garage sales he would beg his grandma to let him come over to my house and she would say no, repeatedly, and he would just come over anyway and she wouldn't do anything about it. But, a simple conversation might be the best way to start I guess.

oparcm

I posted about a similiar story a few weeks back.  I have a 7 year old neighbor that hounds me all the time.  My dd is 3.  She is always hanging on the fence (and her house is higher than mine, we are on a hill) so when she stands on her deck, we have no privacy in the pool or anything.  It is frustrating.  I have no advice but I'll be reading the responses.

marinewife51

MrsSledge:

I don't know how much work you are willing to put into this, but could you check out activities that may be free or low cost that could get him to interact with kids of his own age and suggest them to the grandma?  You could say something like, 4yo is so sweet to want to play so much, unfortunately with DS I don't have the kind of time to play alot, but I found this great playgroup/playground/activity and thought you may be interested in taking him so he could play with kids his age.

That is a great idea too. Thankyou!

meghans30

This is a tough one, but I think you need to speak with the grandparents. Simply letting the kid loose in the backyard is not watching him. It sounds like a difficult situation, but this doesn't seems like the best childcare situation. Maybe you could suggest some local activities that the GP could take him to (story time, a local park, MDO, a local children's museum). Sound concerned and approach as if you are trying to be helpful "Hey, I've seen Johnny outside a lot by himself. I know there are not many kids around - maybe you could check out X,Y, Z activities." In the end, he is not your responsibility and you should not have to hide indoors or feel pressured to let him over in your yard all the time. Hope this helps.

marinewife51

meghans30:

This is a tough one, but I think you need to speak with the grandparents. Simply letting the kid loose in the backyard is not watching him. It sounds like a difficult situation, but this doesn't seems like the best childcare situation. Maybe you could suggest some local activities that the GP could take him to (story time, a local park, MDO, a local children's museum). Sound concerned and approach as if you are trying to be helpful "Hey, I've seen Johnny outside a lot by himself. I know there are not many kids around - maybe you could check out X,Y, Z activities." In the end, he is not your responsibility and you should not have to hide indoors or feel pressured to let him over in your yard all the time. Hope this helps.

Thankyou, I appreciate your advice...any insight is helpful!

mlb917

This is such a hard situation!  I feel bad for you, b/c you are starting to resent the kid and don't want to be mean and I feel really sorry for the kid.  This day in age, I don't think we let my niece play outside by herself until she was like ten!

If you do talk to the grandmother, I would maybe remind her that she is trusting her grandson with someone she doesn't know at all.  She is lucky you are her neighbor and not some sicko.  I'm sure saying something like this would probably come across bad, but maybe it would knock some sense into her?

Good Luck!