Vent. . .(Looong. . .)

Jscaggs

So my graduation from law school is tomorrow and we are having the baby baptized on Sunday. ?I went over to my mom's house today to pick up the baby's dresses for this weekend and called my mom while I was there to find out where they were. ?While talking to her she mentioned that my brother was upset with me and that I needed to talk to him about the baby's baptism. ?We are having the baby baptized in the catholic church and DH was always brought up that there is a preference for the godparents to be a married couple who are catholic. ?We know one person who is young and catholic who lives here, one of my good friends who happens to be the person that introduced us. ?We decided to have her and her husband, who was DH's best friend in the Marine Corp, as our godparents A) b/c they are catholic and b) b/c they are a couple C) bc we are close to them. ?Well my brother's feelings are hurt evidently and he thinks I think he is crap b/c I didn't ask him to be DD's godfather. ?He's not catholic, and although he believes in God he never goes to church and pretty much refuses to go to church. ?I tried to explain to him that it wasn't b/c I didn't want him to be her godparent, that he will obviously still be a part of her life, etc etc. ?Well it turned into a yelling match b/c he can't just have a conversation without yelling. He said I was just making excuses b/c I'm his son's godparent and I wasn't catholic when that happened. I tried again and again to make him understand, but he refused and told me that next time I needed help to not call him but to call the couple we chose as godparents.?

Additional background, my brother helped raise me b/c my mom was basically a single mom. ?My dad chose my stepmom over us early on and not always a huge part of my life, but as I got older I made amends with him and stepmom and became close again. ?Well my brother was upset that I had my dad walk me down the aisle and had my first dance with my dad and didn't have my brother walk me down the aisle or have my first dance with him. ?i'm a traditionalist person and like things the way they are supposed to be so it didn't even cross my mind to have him walk me down the aisle or anything like that. ?

I think the big problem is that my brother's ex cheated on him when their third child was like six months old, decided she didn't want to be a mom and moved out leaving him with the kids. ?He ended up moving in with my mom with the kids where he still is. ?He lost his construction job and has been valeting for years. ?Tried to go back to school but just wasn't for him. ?My mom said he is lonely and is just taking this hard and everything else hard so he always feels attacked I guess. IDK. ?

Anyway, if you're still reading, he has decided he's not coming to my graduation tomorrow, and not coming to the baby's baptism and the party afterwards on Sunday. ?I'm at a loss of what else to do. ?

adamsbabble

It really stinks that your brother a) can't be happy for you that you have a functioning, happy, healthy relationship with your dad and stepmom (FWIW, I know that one of the hardest things to do is give forgiveness to someone who has hurt you, but it only makes you stronger and happier if you are able to do it, so good for you) and b) that he truly doesn't seem to understand what being a Godparent is really all about.  It's not just a title you get.  I think it makes sense that you chose the couple you did and that the choice should be in the best interest of your DD more than anything else.  Frankly, he's being selfish.  Yes, he's in a crappy situation right now, but it doesn't give him the right to be selfish or guilt you.  He should be able to put his feelings aside and be happy for you--if he can't, that is not something you have any control over, he is the one who needs to change.  Congrats on your graduation and DD's baptism!

hav2run

That is tough.  I understand the reason that he is upset.  Mainly because he played a big role in raising you, and sees becoming a godparent as his right, and not as a religious rite.  I understand why you are choosing someone of the same faith to be the godparents.  You see a godparent as someone who will help with your DD's religious upbringing, rather than the people who are most significant in your DC's life. 

Maybe you could try to talk to your brother and reason with him on why you chose someone else for this religious ceremony and to reassure him that he is important to you and you want him in DD's life.  Maybe he doesn't understand the significance of the godparent from a religious standpoint, and feels like you don't value him as an important figure in her life?  I know you don't feel that way from what you posted, but I can see how it could be confusing to him if he doesn't understand the symbolic nature of the god parent in the Catholic religion. 

Even if you can't make him understand where you are coming from, you will at least know you tried to rationalize it for him, and attempted to make amends.  I agree, he is being a selfish jerk in withholding his attendance at your two very important functions.  All you can do is try, and the rest is on him.  He will have to live with the fact that he took it way too personally, and he will eventually see that he overreacted.  I hope he comes to his senses soon.  I wish you luck, and MANY CONGRATS on your graduation and DD's baptism!

Traycee1242

You're probably not going to want to hear this... and I obviously don't know the whole situation. But I feel sorry for your brother. Yes, he's acting like a child. But it seems like it's coming from a deep, deep hurt. I would personally feel very hurt if I stepped up to be a parent as a sibling and because they wanted a traditional wedding didn't give me the honor of walking them down the aisle, or being their child's godparent..... I know in the end it's your choice, but it seems like your brother is hurt over your lack of (in his mind) showing your appreciation for what he's done for you.

It's obviously not this black and white, but just from reading what you wrote I feel really sorry for your brother even though he's handling it in an immature way.....

Good luck with everything and Congrats on graduation and DD baptism!

PreemiesRuleBulliesDrool

Traycee1242:

You're probably not going to want to hear this... and I obviously don't know the whole situation. But I feel sorry for your brother. Yes, he's acting like a child. But it seems like it's coming from a deep, deep hurt. I would personally feel very hurt if I stepped up to be a parent as a sibling and because they wanted a traditional wedding didn't give me the honor of walking them down the aisle, or being their child's godparent..... I know in the end it's your choice, but it seems like your brother is hurt over your lack of (in his mind) showing your appreciation for what he's done for you.

It's obviously not this black and white, but just from reading what you wrote I feel really sorry for your brother even though he's handling it in an immature way.....

Good luck with everything and Congrats on graduation and DD baptism!

I'm very sorry but I'm going to have to agree with Tracyee.  I just see why your brother would be hurt especiallly since you said he basically raised you.  Perhaps you should have talked to him before and tell him the reasoning behind choosing the godparents, which do sound like a wonderful choice. 

I hope he calms down and he comes to your graduation party and DD baptism.  Congrats on graduating law school!

sprads

I don't think there really is anything else left for you to do. Hopefully he is just angry and hurt right now and tomorrow (today) he will feel differently and will be there as well as on Sunday.