So disappointed

quiltgirlak

So, I presented my PowerPoint to DH about how we could afford for me to be a SAHM, we met with our Financial Advisor this morning to discuss retirement, college saving, etc. She told us, its doable, but will be tight, duh! I knew that already. So, DH is saying that there is no way that we could possibly afford for me to be a SAHM because we need to save $35,000 a year in order for him to retire at 60! I only make $42,000 before taxes... even if I work we can't afford to save what we need for him to have his dream world become a reality. I asked him if he would be okay with me taking a 1 year leave of absence because then I am guarunteed a job next fall. He said no... not just no but "NO!" I am disappointed and hurt because he said that if I showed him how we could do it, he would help make it happen. I laid out our budget in a spreadsheet and instead of telling me good job, he criticized the fact that he would get an allowance. "Why should I have an allowance when I am the one making the money?!" Seriously, DH is a wonderful guy and I love him so much, but why is he being such a butt when it comes to something so imporant, our DD??? Basically, he says that I am putting too much pressure on him by asking him to be the only money maker... but my question is, what the pressure on me? I didn't complain when I thought I was going back to work... I have to do what I am doing now (housework, finances, grocery shopping, laundry, plan/cook all meals, dishes, etc) and work 40+ hours a week. He wants me to be a housewife at his beck and call and work a full-time job. I feel like crying Thanks for listening and I hate to complain, I just don't know who else to turn to right now.

jenn7200

Oh hun, I am sorry! I would be upset too! Parenting should be a team effort and if you are going to have to go back to work, then you both should have maintain all the household chores, etc. It shouldn't all rest on your shoulders.

What did the financial planner have to say about you staying home other than that it would be hard? Did he explain how daycare would configure into your finances to your husband? With my job it wasn't really worth it for me to work. I would have basically been working to pay for daycare.

Have you thought at all about doing some type of work at home job? Maybe that would ease your husband's mind that you were bringing in some income.

I hope that you and your husband are able to come to some sort of agreement!!

ithadtobeyou

(((hugs))) I am SO SORRY! I really feel this is not right! He wants to save 35K a year, ok I get it that is his dream to retire at 60. But honestly, he can't take one year off and let you raise your child!! I feel his expectations are really unfair. You have to take care of the baby, the house, and have a full time job and he just does his job, period?

Is there any way you two could go to some type of counseling and discuss it further?

The financial advisor said it would be tight, not impossible. It's tight for alot of people! Me included! But it's sooo worth the sacrifices to be with my son.

I hope he comes around. I am so sorry sweetie. Hugs to you!

lilone_06

Aww, I'm sorry to hear things are not working out!  So the FA said that it would be tight, but not impossible.  Did she mention any flexibility there?  Sounds to me like DH isn't willing to make the sacrifices in order for you to SAH.  I'm NOT criticizing him at ALL - this is definitely a very personal decision that everyone is entitled to.  Unfortunately, it sounds like you two are not on the same page...  Since this is something that you feel so strongly about, would you consider going to counseling?  The reason I say this is that this is one of those types of things that is sort of a fundamental value thing.  I suspect that unless you two come to a decision together, someone is going to be unhappy.  If you insist on SAH, your DH may resent the fact that he's making sacrifices he doesn't believe in to support you and your SAH.  On the other hand, if he insists on you going back to work, you may end up resenting him for not allowing you to do something you feel so strongly about.

 As far as the housework, I kind of consider this a separate issue.  Sorting out who does what to keep the household running should be decided between the two of you, and will probably end up being based on who has time to do what.  (I suspect that the reason you do more now is because DH works longer hours, has a longer commute, etc?)

GL to you!!  I really hope you guys are able to work something out!!

cooperl788

I am sooo sorry!  It really stinks to have your DH smack down something that's really important to you.  Maybe make up a list of all that you do right now (cooking, cleaning, errands, things that need to be done for DD) and then split them into 2 lists.  Tell him that he can pick his list, and those are now his responsibility, since you'll be working full-time too.  Make sure that his list will also include picking up or dropping off DD at daycare.  Again, that really sucks!  Hopefully this discussion isn't a closed book.

cp760

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I know how heart wrenching it can be (I didn't stay home full time til baby #3). What about working from home or getting a part time job? That way you'd have extra money and dh wouldn't be the "sole breadwinner" and you'll get a lot more time with dd. A lot of us moms on here work from home and not only does it bring in money, but it's also great for our mental health. Have you also looked at where you can cut back? I think dh is being a little selfish choosing early retirement over the once in a lifetime chance to raise your children. He's only thinking about when he can leave work and pushing aside the idea of you leaving work. If you leave work it's to raise your children, not to travel the world or whatever it is he's planning. Being a SAHM is not something you can re-do later. It's now or never and it's such an important job. Do you think he's jelous? Maybe that's the true reason. Maybe it's not the money etc.. Maybe he's just jelous that he'll be going to work and you wont. What he doesn't understand is that you wont be sitting around eating Bon Bons and watching Oprah all day. Being a SAHM is an exhausting, never-ending job and you'll be working twice as hard as he is (of course that's probably not what you want to say to him). There are so many work at home ideas on this forum (just do a search) and maybe you can find something that you could do from home that he would be content with. It seems to be the answer to this same problem for a lot of couples. Good luck!! ((HUGS))

funchicken

It sounds like you've shown him the financial side of things, and now I think you need to articulate to him the non-financial reasons why you want to stay home with your DD.  I'm sure it's stressful for him to think about being the only one with an income, but if you could take an LOA and have a job guaranteed it seems like that takes some of the pressure off of him.

Powerpoint presentations aside, it sounds like he planned to say no all along, so I think you two really need to talk things out.  Maybe you could compromise and take another 6 months with your DD or something like that.  Good luck!!!  I hope it works out!

felt_tip_pen

Oh yeah, sure, he's totally right. After all, why should HE have to sacrifice because YOU had a baby?

 Maybe it's time to figure out how much you would be paying a maid, cook, accountant,  and personal assistant in addition to the daycare you're already having to pay and see how THAT works into his "retire at 60" plan. All the things that you're doing for your family on top of working outside the home full time have serious value, and it sounds like he's completely overlooking that. What would he have to pay without you if he's not willing to do it himself?

And for that matter, do you get to retire at 60 too? What are your plans, and what do you want to do? And I'm assuming you'd both be getting allowances, more like a personal fun budget, which a lot of people do anyway. This part makes me really mad because he's assuming that "making the money" entitles him to control the household and what goes on in it. Of course, it sounds like he already feels entitled to that anyway.

I will say, there are many, many women who make a part-time wage while they SAH--I do as well, and it helps to ease some of the strain of not working.

I think the bottom line is that you are not the only one capable of compromise.

BTW I think your complaint is completely justified--you have every right to complain when you're getting fcuked over. 

jen5-03

Well, since you're saying he's not usually a jerk (although the fact that you're doing all the house work contradicts that), he's probably acting like a jerk because he's scared.

Being the sole provider is scary for a lot of men, I know my DH felt that way.

One way that I made him feel better about it is that I continue to work part-time. I worked from home until DD was almost 9mo and then she just went to MDO 3x a week until 15mo and now she goes to fulltime care 3x a week. I can tell you that as she gets older, it's much easier to take her to school and leave her. I seriously almost had a breakdown at the idea of it when she was 3mo old (I had not planned for this, I intended to go back to work fulltime at 3mo).

I think you should make another presentation that shows a) what you do now vs what he does now; and b) what the finances will look like with you working. Call daycares and get prices - and don't call the cheapo, scary looking daycares but ones that you would actually consider; and c) what HE will need to do after baby arrives if you are working fulltime. Because you can NOT allow this lop-sided division of work to continue. Include a morning schedule along with this, you can find some examples of what a working mom's schedule is like on the Working Moms board.

newportbride715

quiltgirlak:

So, I presented my PowerPoint to DH about how we could afford for me to be a SAHM, we met with our Financial Advisor this morning to discuss retirement, college saving, etc. She told us, its doable, but will be tight, duh! I knew that already. So, DH is saying that there is no way that we could possibly afford for me to be a SAHM because we need to save $35,000 a year in order for him to retire at 60! I only make $42,000 before taxes... even if I work we can't afford to save what we need for him to have his dream world become a reality. I asked him if he would be okay with me taking a 1 year leave of absence because then I am guarunteed a job next fall. He said no... not just no but "NO!" I am disappointed and hurt because he said that if I showed him how we could do it, he would help make it happen. I laid out our budget in a spreadsheet and instead of telling me good job, he criticized the fact that he would get an allowance. "Why should I have an allowance when I am the one making the money?!" Seriously, DH is a wonderful guy and I love him so much, but why is he being such a butt when it comes to something so imporant, our DD??? Basically, he says that I am putting too much pressure on him by asking him to be the only money maker... but my question is, what the pressure on me? I didn't complain when I thought I was going back to work... I have to do what I am doing now (housework, finances, grocery shopping, laundry, plan/cook all meals, dishes, etc) and work 40+ hours a week. He wants me to be a housewife at his beck and call and work a full-time job. I feel like crying Thanks for listening and I hate to complain, I just don't know who else to turn to right now.

 

Seriously?? That's not right. I don't understand why he could not deal for one year. It is called sacrifice. Sometimes you need to do it for your children. No one said having kids was easy, right? And this is only TEMPORARY. Life will go on. Not to be mean, but in this instance, that does not correlate to a "wonderful guy." If he wants you to work outside the home, then all of the work re: the house and children should be divided 50/50. It seems to me like he is putting himself first, not his children.  I hope you can work it out soon, GL.

Sweets2005

I am so sorry he is being such a butt about this! How come you have to work towards HIS dream (of retiring at 60) but he won't help you with your dream (of at least being a SAHM for a year)? That doesn't make any sense! If he absolutely will not let you stay home, then I would make another power point presentation about what the division of labor will be like at home. And show him just how much work he will have to do around the house, once the baby comes. Because no way in hell should you have to do all the housework and take care of the baby AND work outside the house full time! It is just not fair. If you BOTH have a baby and you BOTH work full time jobs, then you BOTH need to take care of the house/chores/errands and baby. Give him at least 1 late night feeding so he can feel what it is like to be up at night when you have to work the next morning. Give him nights to make dinner or at least he has to clean the kitchen at night and give him chores on the weekend so you can have time to spend with DD. You shouldn't have to not have time to spend with your DD b/c he is being a butt about you working and doing all the housework. Ugh! Sorry again you have to deal with this.

gatogrrl

I think you should complain!  Your situation is unfair.  Your DH may have many fine qualities, but he is not treating you as an equal.  Which you are!

You just need to keep going back to this issue.  He doesn't get the only say in how your lives are lived together.  If he doesn't listen, honestly, I would suggest counseling, as a couple, but if he won't go for you at least.

carrie4g

He probably is scared because of the economy and he's probably also tired since you have a 3 month old!  I would snuggle up to him tonight, tell him how much you love him and tell him you're taking a year off to try it out. Tell him he's retiring at 61 and not 60. But honestly, just do it. He's never going to be 100% okay with it. Just the same as when you two decided to have children. Men are cautious.

I wouldn't make any promises of part time work or work from home gigs yet. You will probably be way too busy at first. After a couple of months, explore that option but don't tell him until you have something lined up. Then put all that money only into savings. You'll figure it out! Sometimes, you have to just take a leap of faith and I don't say this carelessly because you've done all the research and you know it is feesible.

quiltgirlak

Thanks for the honesty guys! I am actually already in counseling for PPD and DH has come with me a few times... he never hesitates to go when I ask him. So, after I wrote this post I called my mom because she usually plays the devil's advocate for me and helps me see both sides. In this case, she said basically what you were all saying, DH is being a butt. However, she also reminded me that DH usually reacts like this at first to most situations and if I give him time (ie, a few days) he thinks about things and comes back to me. I don't usually care about this time because its always just me its affecting, not DD. As for housework... yeah, that has been a struggle since we started dating. He has gotten better, like I will do his laundry and put it away, but only if its in the hamper. There have been multiple occasions where he goes to an important meeting in dirty clothes and well... that hasn't happened in a few years. Our financial advisor (who is also like my second mom) told DH  that his dream of retiring at 60 is just a drea and will truthfully never happen. He also thinks I will work until 65... I'll work to the day I die if I have to to be able to SAH. I guess the biggest hurdle here is that his mom ran a business, did all the housework, and took her kids to work with her. Now, if you talk to her, she is incredibly resentful becaues FIL is a lazy-a**! I do not want to end up like that, but DH sees his father as having the best set up. We really do have issues! How am I just seeing this after 7 years with this man!!?? Today's his birthday, so I think I will just let this issue rest for a few days to give him time to think. Again, thanks for all the honesty, I need it

cooperl788

quiltgirlak:

I guess the biggest hurdle here is that his mom ran a business, did all the housework, and took her kids to work with her. Now, if you talk to her, she is incredibly resentful becaues FIL is a lazy-a**! I do not want to end up like that, but DH sees his father as having the best set up. We really do have issues! How am I just seeing this after 7 years with this man!!??

I hate to even mention this idea but... maybe get your MIL in on this with you.  Sometimes they need someone who's usually in his corner to give him a "different" perspective.

mandymack

Ugh... this is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO not the update I wanted to read from you.     I'm so sorry, I can only imagine not truly having your DH's support and I hope after a few days of digesting it and maybe re-approaching the subject he'll be more open.

 

Sweets2005

So let me get this straight. He wants to retire at 60 but he wants you to work till 65? I think if you do go back to work, you need to start a savings fund just for yourself b/c I do not like where his financial ideas are heading.

KL777

Hugs-and-hugs and I'm sorry.  I hope your husband comes around and changes his mind.  Pray about it.

quiltgirlak

I cannot believe the support and advice I have received from everyone. I have been praying like crazy for some answers and nobody in "real" life will be honest! Like I mentioned earlier I am in personal counseling, I started while I was preg for panic attacks and now its more or less for PPD. I realized I have forgotten to take my meds for a while (how long, I don't know...) And being a usually positive person, I can't believe I have been feeling sorry for myself. DH is being a complete butt right now, there is no way around that. But I don't have to feel sorry for myself... I can talk to him after he has had his time to think things through and we'll come to a compromise, we always do. He loves DD, but she is only 3 months old and he turned 29 today... do you think he could be feeling a lot more pressure and fear than before DD was born. Could he be going through his mid-life crisis, I thought that was later in life. Okay, I know I sound like I am defending him. But if I think back over our 7 years, the only time he reacts in a hurtful way like this is when he is worried or afraid (I know, not a productive way, and he is aware of it).

BTW, I am loving the fact that I can vent and write my thoughts here and get so many ?honest answers! Also, I am sorry if I am dragging this through the mud... I just don't know who to turn to at the moment

funchicken

quiltgirlak:

I cannot believe the support and advice I have received from everyone. I have been praying like crazy for some answers and nobody in "real" life will be honest! Like I mentioned earlier I am in personal counseling, I started while I was preg for panic attacks and now its more or less for PPD. I realized I have forgotten to take my meds for a while (how long, I don't know...) And being a usually positive person, I can't believe I have been feeling sorry for myself. DH is being a complete butt right now, there is no way around that. But I don't have to feel sorry for myself... I can talk to him after he has had his time to think things through and we'll come to a compromise, we always do. He loves DD, but she is only 3 months old and he turned 29 today... do you think he could be feeling a lot more pressure and fear than before DD was born. Could he be going through his mid-life crisis, I thought that was later in life. Okay, I know I sound like I am defending him. But if I think back over our 7 years, the only time he reacts in a hurtful way like this is when he is worried or afraid (I know, not a productive way, and he is aware of it).

BTW, I am loving the fact that I can vent and write my thoughts here and get so many  honest answers! Also, I am sorry if I am dragging this through the mud... I just don't know who to turn to at the moment

My BIL tends to be really negative about new ideas that my sister comes up with, but after he has a couple of days to think about it, he warms up to the idea.  So I can see how your DH might be like that.  It's also possible that he's feeling some type of "I'm almost 30, where is my life going" stress.  A lot of guys go through something like that.  It's good that you feel like you two will be able to talk about things and work them out.  Good luck!!

peanutrocks

I'm normally a lurker, but I got so upset for you reading this post I just had to respond. 

I wouldn't usually suggest something like this, but it sounds like your DH is being impossible. If I were you, I would either go out and hire a housekeeper, or just stop doing housework. Order every meal out, eat on paper plates, let his laundry pile up. Only do what is essential for your DD to be safe and healthy. I think that being afraid of having only one parent working is a reasonable position, and something you guys have to work out, but if you're working he needs to do at least half of the childcare and housework. Also, if you're suffering from depression, he should be stepping it up to help you out double time.

PrincessX

felt_tip_pen:

 Maybe it's time to figure out how much you would be paying a maid, cook, accountant,  and personal assistant in addition to the daycare you're already having to pay and see how THAT works into his "retire at 60" plan. All the things that you're doing for your family on top of working outside the home full time have serious value, and it sounds like he's completely overlooking that. What would he have to pay without you if he's not willing to do it himself?

This is ridiculous.  If you want to make a fair argument about how you can work together to allow you to be a SAHM then do so.  This kind of silliness will just make you lose credibility.  Not many WOHM's pay for these things.

Px