Because only you all will understand how I feel...

Kalki

I know I'm being a good mom. Some days I'm even a great mom. I know my kids are thriving and doing so well. I know they don't care if they were breastfed or not. I know that pumping is the best thing for them.

But none of this helps the night time sadness over things lost. I will never get to carry them out of my hospital room. I will never get to breastfeed them at night when they roll over and look at me hungry. I will always (maybe less someday) look at another full term pregnant woman and think "b!tch".

The nights are always the hardest. I am awake, I am in touch with my heart and soul, I am alone. My thoughts are here and no one else to distract me from them. Somedays I hate being jealous. I hate being jealous over all the things I have lost out on.

I am SO incredibly lucky and blessed to have Max & Sadie. I truly believe that they are true miracles. I love these kids so much. I can't believe it. D and I constantly look at them and are just in complete awe. I would die for them. I worry about them constantly.

I know that my friends run the full spectrum on loss -- from a lot to a little. Especially when it comes to pregnancy. I waited my whole life to be pregnant. I would dream about it, fantasize about it, pray for it (even when I was 16 I prayed to be pregnant). I wanted children as well mind you, but I couldn't WAIT to be pregnant. 30 years of desire and dreams built up and then shattered one Saturday at 430pm. In one gush, literally. And if you count in the massive amount of stress and heartache the 3.5 years of infertility we struggled through, there was a lot riding on it.

I'm so broken about this. Completely broken. I hate that I can't breastfeed. I hate that I didn't get a third trimester. Think about that for a moment. Everyone is SO happy to get to their 3rd trimester! YAY! You've made it that far! Look how far you have come! Now you can start getting everything ready, you can really start to look forward to the babies coming. OH GOD THEY'RE COMING IN 3 HOURS?!?!?!

And none of this goes away as I think about us possibly having another child. It only brings it up stronger. What if I'm so broken my body can't even handle a singleton pregnancy and I end up on 16 weeks of bedrest again with Max & Sadie to take care of and end up with another preemie in the NICU for 50+ days?! Then what? Or worse, lose the baby?

The nights are so hard. I cry. I mourn. I love. I grieve.

TriciaJoy

I understand.. and share the same feelings. Over time, they've eased some, but sometimes they rear up again.

We were cheated.. there's no way around it.

There are blessings, of course. No one doubts them. But we and our babies were cheated

 

cbkittner

My little girl was only at the NICU for 2 weeks (I say only because your gorgeous babies were there for much longer..but 2 weeks for me felt like forever...) but I totally feel you.  I have some of the same feelings, though some days it's not so bad.  

Aidge

Your LOs and Sam were born around the same time, and I do have my "days" as well. ?I try though, for the sake of Sam (and DH, b/c I know my feelings wear on him) to push forward and accept that what happened, happened, and there is nothing I can do about it except appreciate what I do have. ?I am not trying to invalidate your feelings at all, just letting you know that I'm sure we all feel the same way you do. ?It really is so hard, and I am not a positive person in the least, so I have to FORCE myself to think this way. ?Have you considered talking to someone outside of your situation, like a counselor or something? ?I do know that sometimes talking to someone who is totally unrelated to the situation (but may have experience and empathy there) may help. Hugs to you. ?

april062604

you made me cry. thanks for putting into words exactly how i feel. ?you're not alone. ?i wish there were some magical words i could say to make all of those feelings disappear. ?i remind myself that although the road we're on is the road less traveled, i wouldn't trade it for the world. it makes me a better, stronger, more patient mom...although i still struggle with the thought that i failed my children, i couldn't keep them in.

KellyMichelle

TriciaJoy:

I understand.. and share the same feelings. Over time, they've eased some, but sometimes they rear up again.

We were cheated.. there's no way around it.

There are blessings, of course. No one doubts them. But we and our babies were cheated

 

Ditto.  Your feelings are so normal and it does get easier with time.  I really feel like since DS turned 3 things have gotten easier.  *Hugs*

hollyoid7

I know exactly how you feel. Zachary thankfully came home with me. And I was really HAPPY, but the first feel days were really hard b/c all I was thinking about was how I missed all of this with the boys.?

ammc

thank you for sharing.  did you ever think that you could love so much.  I totally get what you are saying.  I was feeling down about this yesterday.  it's nice to know that other people feel this way too, in some way it validates it because my family and friends just couldn't understand how I feel.  Our children are blessed and we are blessed to have them in our lives.  It's hard to not look back at all the pain and frustration and feel those feelings all over again.   I can only hope that time will heal.  (Hugs) 

*KatieH*

Oh hunny I know exctly how you feel. ?And can't tell anyone because i don't want them to worry about me. It sucks plain and simple. ?

kamcfarlane

exactly. that's exactly how i feel. also, for me, it feels like, because DH and i were "so strong" through everything, no one around me truly understands how difficult it was and continues to be for us. just because he's home now and healthy doesn't mean he's not a preemie anymore.

 i started counseling a few weeks ago to help me process my grief and, in a sense, loss. i can't even think about having another child until i get my mind around what happened with this one - i would be petrified the whole time.  unfortunately, we all have had the veil of naivety taken away and we know, intimately, that things can and do go wrong.

i hope you feel better soon, and know that there are a ton of people here that really do "get it".

kcswifey

Yep!  I feel this way a lot.  However, what gets me through is knowing that I am stronger than I knew I was, my baby is WAY stronger than I am, and I have the most amazing support system (especially my DH).  There are days, though, that I just think back and my heart breaks all over again!  (hugs) to all of you wonderful mamas!!

NotJustAnAuntie

Big (((HUGS))) Sweetie! I know exactly how you feel, and I could have written this post.

I look at people I know on their third anf fourth totally uneventful pregnancies and I'm reduced to a jealous little brat who wants to pinch them and make them cry.

It's not their fault, I just do. Thing is, it's not our faults either, and we need to keep that in mind!

More (((HUGS))) Thanks for trusting us enough to open up!

RubyRed7

This is exactly how felt at first, when Ruby was born. So much so, that I could not be alone for any span of time. Thankfully, I was pumping every 3 hours, which made it seem normal that I was not sleeping.

I am lucky though, because for some reason, I only had my moments like yours, at it wasn't all the time. Most of the time I was overwhelmed with relief and love as time when on, and I knew Ruby was going to be ok. I think I have been successful at being in denial with what happend, for better of worse. Day to day, I don't think about it. And I can actually tell my story, and have it have no impact on my emotionally. But then, suddenly, my mind will wander to the day she was born, and I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack...

These are the scars we live with. They are ours to bear. I can only be grateful, that in the end I have Ruby. And that is worth the price I paid.

TheShellSeeker

Awwww...your post breaks my heart   I can relate to some of your feelings and just want to offer you BIG HUGS.  Life just isn't fair sometimes and I don't know why.  But, you are in good company here with women who understand and relate to what you are feeling. 

You sound so incredibly sad....perhaps it might help to talk to a professional to work through some of your feelings?  Just a thought.  I hope you feel better.

Jessarella

Hugs sweetie. I feel the same way sometimes. It's not fair that I didn't get to see my babies when they were born, not even a glimpse, they just rushed them to the nicu. It was hours before I saw them and days before I held them and it's just not fair. I feel you on the breastfeeding thing too. I am so pro breastfeeding, and knew that I could handle bfing twins for a whole year because I was made to do that. As it turns out I tried as hard as I could, but bfing a preemie is just hard! Let alone two. I finally had to ween at 4 mo, and still feel guily over it.

This whole board has been through such a huge range of complications and experiences with having a preemie, from a few days in the nicu, to months, yet a lot of the same feelings we all seem to share. ((Hugs to you! ))

here4u

First I have to say: OMG, that picture is the cutest thing EVER. Seriously, how can you stand it?  LOL.  Now, HUGS for you.  Nighttime was hard for me too, but now that I am getting out more and she is such a joy to be with during the day and she sleeps at night I just enjoy and look forward to the next day

jlc071903

I feel the EXACT same way. I already think about how I want another baby so that I can 'do it over again', but is that really fair to another baby? I have an IC...what if I have another preemie again....I feel so cheated too and would have loved to BF, I think the same things about pg women....it so sucks to be me.

lstaylor73

TriciaJoy:

I understand.. and share the same feelings. Over time, they've eased some, but sometimes they rear up again.

We were cheated.. there's no way around it.

There are blessings, of course. No one doubts them. But we and our babies were cheated

 

**sigh** Yes, this is exactly it. And I don't know if I, or all of us, will every really recover from being cheated.  

KLyn

All i can say is I know how you feel and you're not alone. ?All preemie moms and dads had a bittersweet experience and have doubts about the next time. ?Keep your chin up - you are a great mom and just know that even though the experience will be burned into your memory forever, your babies will never know what a hard road they travelled to get here. ?hugs to you!