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How do I get past this?

sarahjaredsarahjared
in Parenting
Some of you may remember that about 2 months ago I found out that my DH of almost 5 years had cheated on me when we were dating.  Yes, we were only dating, but we had been dating 2+ years when the stuff happened.  No sex but apparently he did go down on 1 beyotch (sorry if TMI).  I have tried to put it out of my mind but it creeps back in.  Someone will say something that relates to one of those girls and then I am pissed all over again.  Also, sometimes when DH and I are fooling around/having sex  I think "Is this how he touched/kissed her?" and that pretty much kills any chance of me having the big O.  I guess what really bothers me is that he kept it a secret for 6+ years.  One of them I had even asked him about point blank before we were married, he lied, and then even invited her to the wedding!  Had I known any of this before, I wouldn't have married him and he knew that (hence the lying).  Cut to now-married almost 5 years with a 2 year old that we used fertility drugs to have after a MC.  I don't want to divorce him.  I don't want to have to miss out on DD's life because HE fu**ed up.  This just eats at me and I don't know how to get past it.  I feel like I am suffering so much for his mistakes while he gets to have his cake and eat it too.  Any suggestions/advice would be much appreciated.
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Re: How do I get past this?

  • Jelliebean1982Jelliebean1982
    I'm sorry this happened to you.  Have you thought about seeing a professional counselor?  It sounds like you have a lot of feelings and you need help sorting them out.  I'm not sure that anyone on a message board will be able to give you the kind of advice and support you really need to be able to work through this. 
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  • butterbeansmamabutterbeansmama

    I don't really have any advice for you, but I have a little story of my own.

    Dh and I had been dating for 2 years, when some people decided to make a documentary of this huge contest that he had won (2 years prior). They videotaped him while they did this and one part of the video was him showing the camera a picture of his ex-girlfriend and saying that he will never love another like her and that he still loves her and would love to be able to get back into her life. Remember, this is while he is dating me and had been for 2 years. This movie is on t.v. at times, so it's not even like we are the only ones that know. Thousands of people know. There is no way getting around it.

    I have just tried to forget about it (more like put it in the back of my mind) and think about our love now and how he respects and is devoted to his family now. We dated another 6 years after that incident before we got married.

    Good luck to you.

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  • stillhopingstillhoping
    I understand why you are upset about it and hurt but it was a LONG time ago and he has not cheated since. He has not given you a reason since you two were married not to trust him. You love him, you have a beautiful child with him that you went through hell to get. You need to do your best to let it go.
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  • bebemamabebemama member

    I am sorry that you are going through this. Would you guys be willing to go to counseling? ?I know it is probably easier said than done, but try to remember that he married you. ?He went through fertility issues to have a child with you. ?He made a horrible decision and mistake and I am guessing that he has felt horribly guilty about it. ? I would try to just move past it since it was so far in the past and before you were engaged. ?

    Like I said, easier said than done but without being in the situation I would say, if you have a good relationship I would try to forgive and move on. ?

    Good luck to you.

    ?

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  • DandelionMomDandelionMom
    I'd have an awfully hard time getting over that too.? It was a huge breach of trust made much worse by lies and time.? Honestly, I think a counselor is your best bet.? I'd probably try for individual counseling first and then couples' counseling.??

    Sometimes there are things that are just too huge for us to get over by ourselves and a professional is the only way to go.? It probably isn't as pricey as you might think (insurance often covers part of it).

    (((hugs)))
    .
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  • Jen2124Jen2124
    I think people change/grow up a lot...or at least most of them do. I know a number of people (girls and boys) who cheated on their bf/gf who is now their spouse but would NEVER cheat now. People can be young and dumb. It is no excuse, but honestly, it is reality sometimes. I think unless you have reason to doubt his faithfulness now, it is more your issue at this point than his. Counseling would prob  help you sort your feelings out. If he is lying to you now, that is another story, but years ago, and not even having sex, including the fact you have no reason to think he is lying about things now is prob nothing to ruin a marriage over. Of course this is only a message board, so there also may be more to the story that we don't know...
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  • Isabella T.Isabella T.

    imagesarahjared:
    Some of you may remember that about 2 months ago I found out that my DH of almost 5 years had cheated on me when we were dating.  Yes, we were only dating, but we had been dating 2+ years when the stuff happened.  No sex but apparently he did go down on 1 beyotch (sorry if TMI).  I have tried to put it out of my mind but it creeps back in.  Someone will say something that relates to one of those girls and then I am pissed all over again.  Also, sometimes when DH and I are fooling around/having sex  I think "Is this how he touched/kissed her?" and that pretty much kills any chance of me having the big O.  I guess what really bothers me is that he kept it a secret for 6+ years.  One of them I had even asked him about point blank before we were married, he lied, and then even invited her to the wedding!  Had I known any of this before, I wouldn't have married him and he knew that (hence the lying).  Cut to now-married almost 5 years with a 2 year old that we used fertility drugs to have after a MC.  I don't want to divorce him.  I don't want to have to miss out on DD's life because HE fu**ed up.  This just eats at me and I don't know how to get past it.  I feel like I am suffering so much for his mistakes while he gets to have his cake and eat it too.  Any suggestions/advice would be much appreciated.

     

    You're probably going to get answers that differ from mine.. and that's cool. But I think your feelings are justified. I don't think you can move past this.. not with the anger you have inside. True, it did happen a while ago, but look at the pain you're feeling. It's as if it happened yesterday. 

    Sometimes it's good to talk to a professional. But when you do that, you have to face the fact that this is a *real* problem for you and you need help in sorting it out. There's nothing wrong with that. But, and I'm sorry to say this, my trust in him would be diminished. I'd have trouble believing anything he told me.

    I'm sorry :( 

     

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  • Temp159135562506975Temp159135562506975 member

    a counselor would certainly help... but if you don't want to do that (or can't afford, etc) - this book really helped me a lot years ago when i was having similar issues with an exBF who i got back together with...

    https://www.amazon.com/Forgiving-Unforgivable-Beverly-Flanigan/dp/0020322305

    It helps you learn how to forgive- for your sanity.

     

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