what can i do for a friend?
my bff has adopted 2 children from outside the country, she's currently 5 months pregnant and her DH laid a bomb on her 2 weeks ago that he's been unhappy for the past 10 years... of course she didn't see it coming but even worse he told her this morning he was filing for divorce.
i just don't know what to say/do for her right now. She's pretty much job-less and they have spent so much $$ on the two adoptions that she has no savings, no nothing to fall back on. and she's just to the point of begging him not to stay, she's in such a bad spot right now and he's just kicking her when she's down (so to speak, not literally).
she's such a strong person, but with this miracle pregnancy i just don't know how to help her. We don't live super close and i'm a SAHM so I have to take my DD with me wherever I go...
her mom is on her way to stay with her right now and help her collect her thoughts (she lives a couple hours away).
i'm just not sure where to post this (which board) but i know adoption is hard on families (they have only been married for about 4 years)
any help or advice i can give her?
TIA
Re: what can i do for a friend?
Ugh! If you live somewhat close could you volunteer to babysit so your friend can have a few quiet minutes? Or take her kids out so she could have the house to herself for a bit? I would think with two kids and a third on the way that she might be grateful for some time to think alone. Or even go spend evenings at her house so after the kids go to sleep she has someone to lean-on and talk to. Or if you are a little farther away could your DH watch DD for the weekend and you could go help her out/ spend time with her?
I think your support and a friend to talk to is the best thing that you can do for her.
luckily she's only about 30 minutes from me (driving) and her kids are at "school" most of the day (like Montessori).
i offered to get in the car asap when she first called, but it sounds like he's home (in and out) today, and her mother is on her way right now... so i've dropped all my plans for today to be available via phone or drive if she needs me.
i'm just in shock, and obviously she is too... ug... i hate this... i hate even more than i don't have any way to sympathise with her, DH and I just don't have any of these problems... we rarely fight, are very open (for better or worse sometimes) about our feelings and we always try to cooperate or split up things fairly. ug...
i just feel like she's looking to me for answers, and i don't know what to say.
I may ask MIL to take DD for a couple days next week so i can go and spend the day with her. I think she has an OB apt to find out the sex of the baby next week, and needs someone to be there, but her mom might go, or her DH might want to be there... *heavy sigh*
First of all you are an awesome friend!!! I would find a day next week he will be out of the house and go spend it with her. Really until things progress toward a divorce or he moves out or something she just needs someone to lean on more than anything.
Second, I would kick his @ss I could not imagine this. Is he cheating? I am so angry for her that she is pregnant and having to deal with this. That has to be the worst thing to emotionally deal with. Hopefully he will come around when they find out what they are having and they can get into some counseling.
Good Luck
Amie
thats the super kicker, he's NOT cheating... and they are in counseling, marriage/family and individual.
but yea, i'm going to try really hard to just "be here" for her... i think i'm still in shock from all of this. i feel so lost for her.
I feel terrible for her. Ugh. They are already in counseling and he does this? I am sorry but it sounds like she is better off without him. She deserves much better than this!
Good Luck
Amie
My heart goes out to your friend and her family. You are a good friend for trying to find a way to help her.
In addition to all that has been said above, I wonder if the husband is clinically depressed? If he is saying he hasn't been happy for 10 years, and they have only been married for 4, it seems to me that it is not the marriage, the relationship, or the family that is causing his frustrations. You mentioned they are in counseling, but I assume that's relationship/marriage counseling. Could you suggest that he see a doctor for testing--both general medical (health problems can lead to depression) and for clinical depression or a similar disorder?