Help me let my mother down (again) gently.

CaptainSerious

This is long, but I sure would appreciate some opinions.  Several months ago, I was explaining our adoption process to my mother, including the time I will be spending in Peru alone with our child.  This is time after our adoption is finalized by the Peruvian government, and while we are awaiting approval and a Visa from the US Embassy.  Since it won't be necessary for both of us to remain in Peru, my husband will return to the US so he can work (and take time off once our child arrives home), and ready the house/insurance/etc.

I made the off-hand comment that I was terrified of being a new parent alone in a country in which I barely speak the language.  This is at the same time true and an exaggeration.  I am very traveled, have been to Peru, and have spent several vacations in South America.  I feel comfortable getting by with day to day living, but am sure it will be overwhelming as a never-ever parent to a toddler who doesn't share a language with me in a "foreign land"--especially factoring in Embassy visits, doctor's appointments, and the like!

A few days after that conversation, my mother called and offered to stay with me while I'm in-country.  It truly was very kind of her and I know she meant well, but I immediately turned her down.  I explained, daintily, that there were several reasons it wouldn?t be a good idea, including:

 - My mother and I are close, but bicker often.  After a day or two together, we need a break from one another, or we will start to get on each other?s nerves.  This is especially true if we are in close quarters;

 - I think this is critical bonding time with my child, and think that that may be impeded by her being there.  (I didn't get into specifics with her about this, but in addition to the typical impediments to bonding that might occur from having another person/distraction around, my mother is, self-admittedly, a ?it?s my way or it?s wrong? person.  Her mother, who had the same attitude, lived with us while I was growing up and watched my brother and me while my parents worked.  The living arrangement was a constant source of tension, since my grandmother always interfered with my parents? parenting.  My mother has confided in me that she was always worried her mother would criticize how she raised us, and so she never felt at ease with us.  I do not want to recreate that dynamic within my own new family);

 - My mother is a diabetic and cannot eat garlic or food with a lot of spices.  This makes it difficult to travel with her, especially to a country in which potatoes are a staple and served along with rice at most meals; and

 - My mother is not very street-smart, and although she used to be very adventurous, she has become quite timid as she has aged.  I?m afraid that I will be left having to look after both her and my child, and that she will bring more distractions rather than make my time in-country easier or more comfortable/relaxed.

I thought we had put the situation to bed.  Over the weekend, my mother mentioned that she had told several people that I refused her offer to travel with me, and they all had said, ?Well, it?s early yet.  She may still change her mind.?  (I?d love to know who these people were, but I didn?t ask.)

I again explained that I don?t think it?s a good idea as it would just add tension to my trip and she doesn?t travel well to ?harsh? (not all the comforts of home) areas.  She tried to rebut my arguments (Yes, she?s gone to Egypt a few times, but she stays in top hotels or with family (where food can be especially prepared), only goes to the markets as a diversion (not a necessity), and has my native-Egyptian father with her--it?s not remotely the same.) and I realized that all ability to rationalize with her was lost when I explained that this time was critical time for me and the child to bond and she responded, ?I don?t want time with the child.  I?d be going for you.  I wouldn?t take time with the child away from you!?

She also started to say something about, "But, if you were giving birth..." and said she saw no difference in this situation when I tried to explain that our child might be dealing with many losses and have difficulty bonding (despite all the literature I've given her and times we've tried to explain issues associated with adoption to her).

Aside from everything else, I see this trip as an adventure?one that will prepare me for all the parenting challenges to come, and one that will bond me with my child as we get through it together.  I?m as excited about it as can be?even if the thought is scary.  Although I have traveled quite extensively, I?ve never been to another country alone, but I?m entirely confident in my ability to thrive.  I also feel that if I?m alone with the child, we will be more likely to interact with others, whereas if I have another adult with me, we will stick more to ourselves and not integrate as much or absorb as much of the local culture.  I want to live as much like Peruvians do as possible while I am there.

I feel so bad.  I know she wants to help me and be there for me, but I just see this as a no-go.  I?m not comfortable with the idea, and never will be.  It?s not the kind of thing I could even go along with to just appease her, because I think I will resent her being there and hurt feelings will ensue.

So?what, if anything, do you think I could tell her to help her understand why it?s important for me to do this alone?

P.S.:  I just want to clarify that I never told my mother that during these conversations I never told her that I don't want her interfering with how I raise my children or that I think she's too critical.  I just included some of that as back-story, so you might understand why I feel the way I do.

Dr.Loretta

I think you're handling it fine, and I think you just need to keep repeating what you've already told her, as often as you need to.

I also think it's natural for parents, especially mothers, to react in this way. Especially with the comment you made, she felt like she wanted to do something to help out, and coming to Peru sounded like a great opportunity.

When we first started TTC, my mother would every so often say she wanted to be in the delivery room with me when I gave birth. This from a woman who lives on the other side of the country. When I would jokingly bring up the logistical nightmare that would ensue, she would either say, "I'll find a way", or she would make some elaborate plan to live with us for the last month of my hypothetical pregnancy. It is only now 3+ years later that she has realized it would be much better if she just came to visit us a few weeks after we have a child, whether biological or adopted.

The only other thing I could think of is to suggest that she come stay with you for a while when you are back home and settled. You may want an opportunity to have some alone time, as well as to give your mother and your new child time to bond.

Just a thought.

BurkeJax

I agree with Dr.

Personally I would not bring up the topic with her. She knows your decision and it sounds like she is going to keep trying to convince you. You have given her logical reasons of not wanting her too but she is choosing not to listen. I think she really means well and wants to be there for you but is forgetting what it is like to be a new mom. 

 

Amie 

jacksjerseygirl

Agrees.

It sounds like she may not be able to understand fully even if you lather it with lots of detailed reasons. I would just stick with the simple, straight-forward reasons why. Perhaps the greatest reason is that you want this adventure and journey of getting to know your child by yourself. Bonding is very important to you, and that you will not be able to bond well with another person there. When you come home she will get her grandma time.

It is greatly different than if you were giving birth. This is a toddler, who already has an understanding of those around him and his culture/environment.

Good luck. Stay sane!

BB&J

There's probably not going to be a way to do this without hurt feelings, but she should respect your opinion and wishes - and....it sort of sounds like she's doing that but also trying to see if there's any room for you to change your mind.

I can totally relate to the part about being a new parent in a foreign country. I had alot of trepidation about it and am experiencing the same thing regarding our return trip this summer, but I have also traveled alot and view this as an adventure.

You're right that the time that you'll have between adoption and Consulate appointments will be such an important bonding time. I know you'll treasure it as I did (the good and the bad). 

If she doesn't already understand with all that you've told her about bonding, etc. you can only reinforce your opinion while letting her know how much you'll need her once you're home.

Good Luck!

BB&J

BeachJenn

I agree with PP's. To take the focus off of her going with you or being there for you I would try to make a definite plan for when you return so she can focus on that. I would mention as little about your 'adventure' for the time being.

ZachnLoriahn

I think you are handling it fine.  Maybe you could tell her something like "I feel you would be more helpful when I get home helping around the house, how about you visit then"??  or something to that nature. 

GroomzMcFinehiney

I agree with pps.  It sounds like she knows where you stand on this, and the best recourse is probably just to stand your ground.  When she continues to "offer to help" let her know that this is the only time you'll be going to Peru to meet your first child, and you want it to be something that you experience on your terms.  If you think it would help, perhaps you could ask her to think of what it would be like if she was taking this trip and HER mother wanted to tag along.

Maybe if you came up with a project for her to do at home while you're gone?  Setting up the child's room or planning a welcome home party for your child or something?

TTCgradstud

I agree with all the PPs as well.  But I have an alternate suggestion if she keeps bringing it up, LIE!  Not a blatant lie, but a little one.  That you have talked to other parents who have been in similar situations and they were telling you that it was nice to have the private time to learn to be a family and learn more about the culture.  But that those who had brought extended family members mentioned that they felt badly that their families were bored because it wasn't a vacation, or real travel.  And mostly they were living a normal life, just in a new location... 

I don't know if that would work with her, but I thought I would suggest it! 

CaptainSerious

Thanks, everyone.

As I said, I just feel bad about Mom's hurt feelings, but I just don't know any way around it.  I do fully intend to have her come stay with us for a time when we return (my parents live several hours away, so anytime they visit, they stay with us).  I think I will take up your suggestions and emphasize that time instead.

I thank you for all the time thought you've put into reading and answering this mammoth post.  Sometimes you just need another person/group to help you find a way to say something just right.  I will truly do my best to try to work your suggestions into our conversations when she brings it up again.

Dr.Loretta

CS, i love your mammoth posts. Obviously you are putting a lot of thought into every step of this, and if it takes a lot of words to articulate, so be it.

It sounds like you and your mom have a good enough relationship that you'll be able to work this out to everyone's satisfaction.

It might also be worth it to explain that you understand her wanting to do something or fix it--it's human nature. But that sometimes you just want to vent to her, and it just means you want her to listen and offer emotional support, not necessarily be on the next plane to help.