- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
2nd Trimester
mel1987
member
Dumped?!(vent)
mel1987
member
UGH!!! Long story short, Yesterday my fiance decided that he feels like we're moving too fast and he wants to slow things down and just be boyfriend and girlfriend. 
I WANT TO PUNCH HIM IN THE THROAT!
Moving too fast? MOVING TOO FAST? I'm pregnant, it's a little late to be 'slowing things down'!! Yet he tells me that he still loves me. I guess I've been acting too 'needy'. If he think's I'm needy, I can't wait to see how he handles being a father!
I've never been one for ultimatums, but he can't do this. It's we're engaged, or we're not together. If he loves me, and we're having a child... naturally that leads to getting married? I haven't even planned anything for the wedding! we were waiting until NEXT summer to get married!
I'm FREAKING out! WWYD?
Oh and only 99 more days for my LO! Yay for good news!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Dumped?!(vent)
Chalk that one up to men and their insecurities about committment. It's not your relationship that's moving too fast... it's his life. I'm actually learning about this in one of my Graduate school classes for counseling. It happens to women too, but not as often. He's losing his youth, and you're the one taking him "down," (Not really, but that's how he sees it). Tell him to grow up and take it like a man... haha.
I hope it all works out for you, honestly. I think it will... but I also know what you're going through... men confuse us sometimes and it's up to us to stay strong and power through it.
First, I'm sorry you're dealing with this kind of situation.
Second, had you talked about getting married or were you engaged BEFORE you got PG?
IMO, getting pregnant does not mean you need to get married. If you weren't planning on getting married before your BFP, I think it would be best to wait until after baby comes to let things progress (if they would). I am never one to advocate getting married JUST BECAUSE you are having a baby.
Also, I do not think giving him an ultimatum is the best thing to do here. I see one of two things that can happen - he decides to move forward with the wedding and potentially becomes bitter towards you for forcing it on him, or it will just piss him off and he'll be less likely to be supportive of the other changes going on in your life (ie, your baby). ?
The O'Baby Blog
I'm at 99 days too!
I'm not much for ultimatums but its almost like you have no choice. I'm sure everyone is going to tell you to sit him down and talk to him about everything but I would almost say you need to make sure you get a decision. You're either together or not. As hard as it might be- just make sure to take care of you and baby, that is the most important thing right now.
Do you think that maybe he's just freaking out about the responsibility of being a father?
You two might really benefit from some counseling. JMO. Hopefully you can work things out!
Annelise 3.22.2007 Norah 10.24.2009 Amelia 8.7.2011
I'm not a fan of getting married just because you are having a baby. I can certainly understand why you would want to be married or at least engaged, but you can't rush into marriage after the BFP. Marriage isn't something that you should do just because there is a baby in the picture.
My parents got married after they had me and they never should have. They probably would have stayed together if they hadn't rushed into marriage.
He is probably scared and doesn't want to get married for the wrong reasons.
I'm not saying that you don't have the right to be upset, but he isn't ending the relationship. Maybe he can only handle one big change at a time.
If he loves you and are having a child doesnt NATURALLY mean it leads to getting married... I guess thats just me though and I may be flamed for being the realist...
I guess just because you are engaged doesnt mean you will get married in todays society thats not uncommon to get engaged and then unengaged; and slowing things down.. I guess im a little different in the fact that my husband and I decided not to sleep together before our wedding vows so we wouldnt end up in unforseen prediciments. Such as possibly an unplanned child.
WWID? I would talk to him. Obviously something is going on more then you are seeing.
TO CLEAR THINGS UP: We talked about getting married before BFP. He was really excited about it. We didn't get engaged until after BFP. I really didn't want to rush into the marriage tho, but I did/do know that he's the one. I don't want to 'force him' to marry me, just make him realize that until yesterday all I would daydream about was a family with him. Now I have to look at everything differently, The baby will have MY last name, basically, I'll be looking at this from the stand point of a single mother. Because he can't even commit to being engaged.
Most men (not all) don't really grow up until they hold the baby for the first time. Chances are he feels like this is a permanent move (which it is) for you two and it's more the pregnancy than the idea of marriage. He probably feels tied down by the pregnancy and is just blaming being engaged and moving to fast but no matter what the baby is coming. So be proactive and try to be supportive. I know it's hard but if he really loves you things will work themselves out. GL to you
I would! Oh and about the new attitude from FI I would not give an ultimatum they only work as a parent and usually the person giving them gets the opposite of the desired effect. My DH used to say we were moving too fast but it was because the wedding was getting closer and he was nervous. Maybe FI is nervous about being a good father try to sit down and ask him how he is feeling about LO.
completely agree.
I'd tell him to think about his decision for a few days or a week or so to make sure he means it and then revisit the issue. Sometimes people say things impulsively when they get freaked out and need to take a step back and reflect on it.
You also need to think about the changes in your relationship if he decides to stick with this decision. When you discuss it again make sure both of you are able to get out all of your feelings and be completely honest- hopefully it will help things.
I'm sorry he wants to delay the engagement, I can't evne imagine how you feel
Dump him. Move on. You can't undo a relationship. If someone doesn't want to get married then they have insecurities and concerns.
You have to focus on the baby. The fiance/boyfriend is dead weight.
It sucks but you have bigger and more important things to concern yourself with while he grows up.?
?
Well, from his perspective a LOT is changing in his life now and in the next few months and he's probably freaking out about it. I'm not saying you should be calm and cool about it - but ask him how he thinks being boyfriend/girlfriend will change anything for him...things are still going to change regardless.
I wouldn't give him any ultimatums at this point, babies don't = marriage necessarily.
First: Thank you for your advice!
Second: It's not the fact that we'd push the wedding back, honestly we could get married in 10 years and I would be fine. It's the fact that he pushed our relationship back, I feel like he's giving up/ letting go.
That's the thing I don't understand! He didn't actually break up with me. I asked him if he was just afraid to break up, but he insists that he wants to be with me and that he loves me!
i'm coming from another view point - my bf and i were not planning on a baby. we were actually broken up for a couple of days when i found out - but i called him to tell him because regardless of what he had to say, i was keeping the little one. since that conversation, he has been nothing but here for me 100%....
that being said, the word marriage and wedding have not come out of either of our mouths. we do discuss a future together, but have never discussed rings or JOP wedding or anything. and i'm perfectly ok with that. there is always that little, nagging voice in the back of my head wondering if this is the only reason we are together, or regardless once we cooled off from our disagreement, if we would have gotten back together regardless.
what i'm saying is this: he did not break up with you.....he called off the engagement. he's probably freaking out over the new, major life changing things that are going on in his life: engagement, wedding, baby....i would be too. he obviously still wants you and wants to be with you.
talk to him. and give him time.
I'm sorry that you are going thru this, I can't imagien how difficult it would be at this stage in pregnancy.
I must say I agree with MrsBeckO and others that esp since you did not get engaged until after BFP, a baby does not mean you should get engaged/married. I knwo you said you talked about getting married before butlots of couples talk about that for al ong time before getting engaged. I have several friends who had a baby & did not get engaged/married until they felt the erlationship was ready, with no connection to the baby. Perhaps after the BFP he too felt this was naturall the next or right thing to do, and now he is realizing that although he loves you & wants to be with you he is not sure if he is ready to be engaged or married.
You need to look at the baby & your relationship seperatley. Where would you be without BFP? Engaged? Maybe, but maybe not. Counselling is probably a good idea. Did you date for very long before BFP? Do you have a solid foundation you are building on? Relationships are a lot of work. Having a baby is a huge change, guys freak about these things.
Giving an ultimatum in not a good idea. You need to discuss where each of you are int he relatioonship. Do you really want ot be engaged & marry someone just because they feel like they "should" be doing that? I know I wouldn't, I want to marry someone who wants to marry me, for the right reasons. Calm down a bit and then discuss things with him. Regardless of what the two of you decide you have a baby coming, that can't change, that needs to be the cnetre of your attention right now.
If he isn't ready to step up to the plate, and be the man he should be then the best thing to do is to let him go. When it's the right man, at the right time in your life, he will slay dragons to keep you. Nothing will keep him from you. If he's so easy to let it go, it just means the relationship isn't right.
I have to disagree. If you go in there with guns blazing you have a 100% chance of pushing him away. If you go in there trying to understand where he is coming from and what he is feeling you could still work this out.
Maybe he needs to know that it's not all about the wedding and that you love him and want to be with him, too... whether that means that you get married this summer or 8 summers from now.
Putting a ring on your finger isn't what it takes to "be a man". Does he come to the doctors appointments? Does he care for you when you aren't feeling well? Does he give you the the support in other areas that you need? If he isn't doing anything for you then yes, dump him. But if the only thing wrong in your relationship is that there isn't a date set for the wedding then I think that you need to give this guy a chance.
this