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Adoption
Birth Mother Photo?
Our agency has asked us if we want to require a photo of the birth mother. I had not realized it was an option for the birth mother to not provide a photo. I had kind of wanted a photo, just so I could have a mental picture of her; a face with a name, you know. I'm a visual person and it would just help me, I think. But she said it's about 50/50 as to whether they will or won't have a picture, so if we require one, we might miss matches. I don't care so much to see her, as far as seeing what she looks like to judge or size her up; just so I can have her in my head when I pray and can carry her picture around with me and stuff. I know it sounds weird, but that's how I am.
Any thoughts on this, one way or the other? Positive/negative experiences?
Thanks!
Erica
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Birth Mother Photo?
I didn't even know it was a possibility to ask for a picture. I mean we hoped that she might want to give us a picture (and maybe some family pictures) so that we can share with them our child.
I guess I don't feel one way or another about seeing a picture or demanding one before placement or meeting. But if it was possible I would talk to her about having one or more from her and her family as well as the birth father (if possible) and his family for our child.
I would leave it open. That way you can be considered for all. Perhaps you could have your Social Worker explain why you would like to have one, but if she chooses not to give you one, you would respect her privacy.
Our agency gave us pics if they had them-- I guess some people really care if they are going to have pretty babies.
Can you ask for a photo after you're matched? I can understand a BM not wanting the AP's to choose/reject her based on looks but I can see providing one once I was matched. When I dated online, I didn't like to be judged initially on looks but would give a picture once I'd started talking to someone that I clicked with.
I'm overweight and my daughter's adoptive mom has expressed how she really hopes my daughter doesn't end up overweight like I am. I wouldn't have wanted her to not even consider me because of that one thing.
Ouch. I'm really sorry she said that to you. :-(
Yea, hubby and I have sent our SW an email asking if we can leave open and then just request one after our match. I don't want BM to think it matters, as far as looks. It's really just I can see her in my head and heart. I don't know how else to explain it. But we definitely don't want her to think it matters, as far as the match. But we are going to see if we can leave it open or if we have to choose one way or the other before hand. I would hate to miss matches because we wanted one, but then again, I would love to have one for myself and more importantly, for our child, in years to come. It'll be a tough call if we can't leave it open to request after the match. {Sigh} I'd like an easy decision please
Erica
wow. I don't like that either. I'm so sorry.
so we are just starting out, but like pp mentioned, i wouldn't want it to hinder the match.
I am religious, so i understand where you are coming from. But i would leave it open as well and up to her if she chooses to show one.
Wow, Mrs.BoomBoom... I'm so sorry. That seems very inconsiderate of your daughter's mother, but hopefully she didn't mean it the way it sounded.
Erica, do you mean a picture pre- or post-placement? I had only thought of it in terms of post-placement (or at least post-match), but Mrs.BoomBoom brings up a good point. It shouldn't be about "looks" at all.
I can understand wanting a picture afterwards though. I've taken my camera to every visit we've ever had with my daughter's mom, and we've taken pictures every time. I was super nervous to ask her for pics together at our first meeting, but she was fine with it, and the SW got a few great pics that I still really treasure and know my daughter will someday, too.
That said, I would probably leave it open if you are flexible on the level of openness that you want. If you're ok with a closed or semi-open adoption w/o much contact, then you might need to be ok with no picture. If you're not ok with that, then I think that (the level of openness desired) is an important enough issue to say something about. If you only want an open adoption or a semi-open with a fair amount of contact, then maybe indicate that so they can be aware of which moms to show you to or not, based on what their desires for openness are.