SS BM grrrrrr long.
nlvaden
member
I don't post here a bunch, but I really need some opinions. My SS has some behavioral problems that have been given the label of ADHD. He hits has wild temper tantrums, (he is 9 years old almost 10), backtalks, tries to tell us what to do, ect...ect... He wont cool down for at least half an hour when he starts in. This happens all the time.
So, being that he is making me misserable, I started looking into alternate medications and diagnosis for him. I learned that bipolar in children manifests itself into looking almost identical to adhd. Along with the other symptoms, he fits the description to the tee. Including the adverse reation he has to ritalin. note: the drug tripleptal, a bipolar med, helped him significantly.
I told DH this, he agreed with me completley. I copy/pasted some of the web sites I have found about child bipolar and emailed them to BM and DH. BM went apeshit on me saying that i have no business whatsoever trying to diagnose her son and I should not be conserned with him at all and I should stay out of his life and let her deal with things.
I had no idea what to say! I just said he is in MY house half the time and something needs to be done. We are not in high school anymore and we have to work as a unit. The end.
What would you have said?
Re: SS BM grrrrrr long.
I'm sorry, but I have to agree with BM. I would also go apeshit if my DD's SM did something like that. What research is your DH doing? Why is he letting you take the lead on this?
I think it's great that you're trying to help SS, but maybe you can be a little more gentle about it. Let your DH send information to BM - they are really the ones that need to be working as a team.
Being a step mom of 2, my opinion is that your husband has to be the one to talk to his ex about the situation. They have to sit down together as the mom and dad and figure out a plan of action. Your job is to support your husband in whatever decision they decide. You can give your opinion to him and make sure the two of you are on the same page (which it sounds like you are), but he has to be the one to communicate to the ex. Unfortunately as step moms, we have no power when it comes to medical situations.
Nothing can be done about the damage done already and I wouldn't suggest going back to apologize but just let DH take over from here, but make sure he is communicating to you 100% about what is going on and the decisions that they are making as his parents. (just my opinion-smile)
However, pp were right, that your H needs to be the one who passes that along to BM and he needs to say it as if he is the one who found all this out.
Good luck, sounds very familiar!
I am not being snarky but I have years of experience here; as someone diagnosed bi-polar (wrongly I might add), someone who has 3 close family members who ARE Bi-Polar, and someone who just went through the same thing with her SS.
Yes, you have a right to participate in your SS's health care. Yes, you have a right to do as much research as you can to help your SS and DH. But you did screw up by impersonally sending internet information to the BM.
First, you are diagnosing a disease that has LIFELONG LABEL. No mother wants to hear that, let alone by someone who is not a professional and especially by your exhusband's new wife.
Second, you are arm chair diagnosing off of the internet. In all of your research you SHOULD ALSO have found that it is extremely difficult to accurately diagnose childhood bi-polar disorder, especially under the age of 10.
Third, other than medicating the boy, what ELSE have you done? Any therapy? Children with ADHD require taylored, consistent behavioral modifications along with their meds.
In our case, BM went from one shrink to another (she went to 4 before she hit "gold") to find someone who would diagnose SS with anything, so she could dismiss his issues as a mental issue and not of her own doing.
Even with MY extensive, personal experience with Bi-Polar disorder, I could not difinitivley say that SS was not bi-polar, even though I did not think he was. WHY, because those symptoms can be caused by:
1) a variety of "nature" diagnosis (to include BPD and learning disabilities),
2) "nurture" issues (poor parenting) and
3) a combination of both. Hell, puberty can cause "bi-polar" symptoms.
Just the nature of the issue, were I to get a bunch of links from anyone other than the father of my child or a professional (teacher or school counselor) I would be pissed off too.
This is the time where you should have used tact, compassion and some common sense. If you wanted to work as a unit - then why didn't you do that by having a group discussion? HMMM?
I would suggest having your DH take your SS to a Neuropsychiatrist for an indepth work-up. I would look for someone who specializes in children. And I would do it as a family! That way you are a unit.
So sorry your SS is having problems. I hope ya'll find an answer for what his problem is and how to fix it soon.
I am sure you're not a bystander in his life! I often do the research when it comes to my SS too. But I just share the info with DH. While SS's mom and I don't have any problems and are polite/friendly when we meet, we rarely have direct contact either... and that's worked out really well for us for almost 6 years now. I definetly have influence in my SS's life, both directly on him when he's with us and indirectly by sharing my opinions with DH and by giving DH extra information/research/options/ideas when something comes up. But it's just easier for SS's mom to hear when it's not coming directly from me.
That's not what people meant. You've done a wonderful thing, putting so much effort into finding out what might be wrong with him. I think that's awesome! However, you know she would have taken it better if it came from him. Maybe not that much better but at least you wouldn't have had to deal with her going off on you, hopefully.
Personally, I would have sent her an email saying something to the effect that you're worried about him as you're sure she is too and that you came across some interesting information that might relate to him, if she's interested. And I would have left it at that.
Your H should suggest an evaluation for him.
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I agree with Hindsight (as I often do) on this one.
But rather than sending the email yourself, I usually let DH take the lead on this. I give him the information and let him pass it along as his own. BM is pissed off enough that I'm in DH & SS's life and have an influence on him. I try not to give her additional reasons.
On a side note... SS was recently put on medication (THIS WEEK) for ADHD. It's a LONG process, and he was evaluated by 3 doctors who all agreed before they finally decided to go ahead with medication.. It is not something that we allowed to be diagnosed lightly. And I will say, the medication made a difference THE SAME DAY! Someone on here once said that it was like a door was opened or a light turned on-- he's able to concentrate and follow instructions without it being repeated over and over again. It's amazing. In school, he's been on green (excellent) every day since he started it.
DH and I did an experiment this weekend, as it was the first weekend since he was home- we taught him how to play UNO.... We played in the evening after medication had worn off. Then we played it again in the morning an hour after it was given to him- we couldn't believe the difference. It didn't make him a zombie or anything-- it just made it so he was able to understand things better.
All of this was brought on because *I* looked up information regarding ADHA, because I recognized the signs based on my social work/psych background. But I let DH take the lead on bringing up the discussion and told him what to say so she wouldn't get PO'd at me and completely shutdown to the idea. I've never been allowed to attend appointments with dr's, psychologists, etc by her, because she's told DH it's none of my business. But you'd better believe as soon as DH walks out that door, he's on the horn to me asking me to interprete for him. And he tells her all the time that he wishes I was there so I could interpret (which I'm sure pisses her off more). The cake was when the doctor had all of us do evaluations on Kaleb, and he said that ALL adults who have interaction and influence (parents, step parents, teachers) must fill out the form. You'd better believe I made my opinion known!
If anything, before diagnosing BPD, maybe your DH and BM should look at a change in medication FIRST, before going for the gusto with the BIG diagnosis.
Good luck, hope this helps!
-anniya
Click me, click me!
I would have been angry if I were her too. You are the Step Mom. Your place isn't to dx her son.
Also, just so you know any Dr. who is half way decent would NEVER make a dx that a 10 yo is Bi Polar. That is a mental illness that doesn't usually manifest until late teenage/early adulthood.
A 10 yo with these behavior problems sounds ADHD to me, with some anger thrown in.