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Adoption
need advice.
b mom doesnt like the name we have in mind. she is due in a few weeks and we have been exchanging emails for the past week. in her last email she asked about names and what we have in mind. she suggested a middle name which we are happy to honor but she doesnt like the first name (which will remain a secret for now!)
we have our hearts set and have already been calling him by that name. but we feel guilty. what to do?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: need advice.
Katie,
(Note: I am not adopting, but I occasionally post on this board about adopted family members, and since I read your blog, I thought it would be okay to respond to this...if anyone is not okay with that, let me know)
I can understand your dilemma. Personally, I really feel that YOU should be able to name your child whatever you want, and I think it's very kind of you to take her middle name suggestions. I personally don't think it's her place to have a say in the name though. So I guess I'd ask - how much does she dislike it? Is it just that she would prefer something else, or is she saying "Ulgh, do NOT name the child that"? I think that could make a difference.
The bigger question is, are you comfortable, at all, with the idea of picking another name? If so, is there one that is similar but not exactly the same?
I really feel like you should get to do what YOU are comfortable with, but I also know that you are a great person probably wants to avoid conflict with someone giving you this gift.
I'm not suggestion that you be dishonest, but I do want to tell you that when my dad was adopted, the birth mother put one name on his birth certificate, and a few days later, when his adoptive parents really, really didn't like it, they changed it. So I guess what I'm saying is that it's a pain in the butt, but if you pick a different name and REALLY regret it later, it CAN be changed.
Sorry if this isn't helpful...I just really feel for you. I'm sure it's a great name, because I really love the name "Brenham" and imagine that you picked something equally beautiful for this little one.
Can you ask your caseworker for advice about this at all?
Clomid Cycle #1: 50mg = BFP
=Beautiful baby girl born May 23, 2009
TTC#2: BFP Cycle #1, no fertility meds!
i know its a toughie..it will be open...i'll have to dig a little deeper on whether or not it is a 'dealbreaker' if so with out a doubt, i'd name him whatever she wants!! thanks for your reply.
thanks for your reply..i have no problem with you posting on here, i'm sure no one else will either..its a pretty laid back board.
i really appreciate your thoughts and thanks for the compliment on Brenham, we love that name too, so it was hard to come up with another boy name we love just as much as his. i do want to point out that the middle name is very nice...it has a special meaning for us as well so it was no big deal to honor that but i guess i just have to find out her exact feelings on the name situation.
of course our case worker is on vacation right now! but i will ask her when she gets back.
I'm a birth mom and I don't like the name the adoptive parents chose. It's not that I hate it, but I don't love it. I figured it was one of many, many things that I would disagre with. Such is the way with adoption. As a birth mother, I was giving up all those rights to make those choices for her.
At birth, I had to fill out the birth certificate. I could have put any name on that form that I chose to. When the birth certificate was re-issued, they could have put whatever name on it they chose to. I actually felt like they wanted me to put a name of my choosing on it, but I didn't. I put the full name they chose (2 middle names and all). When the birth certificate was re-issued, all they needed to change was the last name.
Good luck whatever you choose.
Interesting question. I'm in the exact same position. Except we're not set on a name yet, but definitely do not like the name she has chosen. She understands that she may name him, and we may change it. I think what we're going to do is use the name she's chosen as a middle name. I really want to honor her choice, but cannot live with her choice (I'm a teacher, and have had too many naughty little boys with this name!)
Our other option might be to use the birthfather's middle name as the first name. But I need to figure out if she would consider that an honor or not. I'm not completely clear on their relationship yet.
What we're going to do is just wait it out. We'll see if she likes the name choices we've come up with. I would really love it if we could name him together in some fashion!
Good luck and yeah for baby boys!
Ouch, No Advice either...Good luck.
P.S. love the name
Naming is an awkward situation sometimes, isn't it? I remember being really worried about this pre-match!
Here's the thing with adoption... if this expectant mom decides to place her son with you, then you'll both equally be a mother to him. You will get to be Mommy, but she will still be his biological mother. So I think it's important to have a name that you BOTH love.
As some have said, she can put whatever name she wants to on the original birth certificate, and then you can legally change the name to whatever you want upon finalization, after which you'll be issued an amended birth certificate with your last name. This does happen sometimes, and the original name is sometimes referred to as the child's "birth name." Some adoptees have a deep desire to know what their birth name was, and later in life some might feel upset about the name being changed, like their "identity" was taken from them in a way.
I have some personal thoughts about this, but this is already getting kind of long, so I'll send you a PM.
Hoping -- I'm not picking on you in any way, but honestly, I totally disagree with this. Making an adoption plan for your child doesn't make you less of a mother. I think it is just as much her place as any other mother's to be able to choose a name for her son.
I was adopted in a closed adoption. My BM gave me a name when I was born and it was my name for almost three months. When I was adopted my AP weren't told what is was so they picked a name. The found out months later when the adoption was being finalized and the saw some papers that they werent suppossed to see. It has always really bothered me that my name was changed. I've felt like it was another way of trying to erase my original identity. I'd try to find a name that both you and BM agree on instead of changing his name later.
thank you all for your thought and suggestions, i will let you know how it turns out.
when it comes down to it, we are hoping to come to some sort of compromise on a name that we all can agree on. i wouldnt feel right about 'going behind her back' and changing it after finalization.
We are going back to the drawing board tonight and writing down some more names. She is making the ultimate sacrifice the least we can do is sacrifice our name for one we all like.
thanks again ladies.
I think I am going to disagree with the majority. I think that by agreeing to use the middle name of her choosing, you are honoring her wishes. She has given that baby a name that is important and meaningful to her. But I think that you are also going to be the mother and as such have the right to pick a name for your baby that is just as important to you. That is the name that you are going to be calling that baby every day for the rest of his life, it should be something that you are happy about.
As Married said, you should both love it, and to me it sounds like only the BM is the one who is being allowed to love the name. We were absolutely going to change the name of the baby we were going to adopt, but we had almost no relationship with the BM and hated the name she had picked, and felt that we would never be comfortable calling the baby that.
I don't think that it is inappropriate since you will use her middle name selection that you should be "allowed" to pick the first name.
I agree mostly with TTC.
For older children I believe in keeping the name as the BM provided, but for newborns and infants I believe the naming process is a special process for the PARENTS of a child - especially when that name may reflect a family name or a special process that the AF puts forth - especially in religious traditions of name selection. That is not to say that the BM can not chose a name that is special in her heart.
I don't beleive there is a right or wrong answer here, because each of us come to adoption from different paths with different emotional processes and different belief systems in general. We will not hesitate to have our child's name be that of which we have picked, that is not to say that we will forever forget the special name their BM chose for them but it will most likely not be a part of their legal name.
I think you need to follow your heart. It was actually a little while before my parents named me and then ended up changing it ;-) Even though I was not adopted. I think it is acceptable if you tell your BM that you would like for her to select the special name she would like to know your child by and then as you get to know your child's personality you may select a special name in which they will be known by in your family. I don't believe you under obligation either way.
Not at all! The way I took the OP, the e-mom hated or strongly disliked the possible first name, but maybe I misunderstood that. If it's not her "favorite," but she ends up being ok with that name, then great! I think my point was just that both e-mom and potential a-parents should be able to love the name, so maybe they need to consider some others. Or maybe this name will work out in the end after more discussion between them. I think the OP sounds very gracious and respectful of this expectant mom, so I don't think anyone is "wrong" in this situation.
I agree with you to an extent... I think in some situations, naming is VERY important to the bio parents, but in others not as much. As long as both parties involved agree on who chooses what part of the name, then fine. I know some b-moms who named their baby first and middle names and changing the name was a deal breaker. I know some b-moms who didn't choose either name and were fine with that. Everyone is different, but the main thing is to be respectful, KWIM?
I don't think it's "more mom" vs. "less mom," but rather two completely different and complementary roles. There are things that my daughter's biological mother has contributed and will continue to contribute to my daughter's life that I could not possibly provide her. Likewise, there are also other things that I contribute to her life that her bio mom couldn't. It doesn't mean I'm "more" of a mom than she is, just a different "kind" of mom who brings unique qualities to DD's life. (As does she.) I am Mommy, definitely. I am the one who DD will know as Mom, of course. But it doesn't mean her bio mom becomes less of her mother. I'm not sure I'm entirely making sense, but this is already soooo off topic for this thread, so I'll stop there!
You are right; it is not. I think we are all in agreement about that.
Hmm, ok well, lots of thoughts to respond to here.
I'm going to *try* to be brief b/c this really wasn't anything to do w/ what the OP was asking... so Katie, I'm really sorry we've hijacked your post! 
The point of the post was about names, so that is what I was responding to. When it's time to name the child, the a-parents are literally not the parents (yet). Any mom -- whether she is planning to parent or relinquish -- deserves to name her child. It's just part of the right that comes with giving birth, and isn't meant to say that the a-parents are any less important in decision making. Of course it is fine for a-parents to be involved in choosing names! I think the general feel of what most have said is that the most "ideal" situation is when both bio mom and a-parents can name the baby together... but obviously every situation is different and different things work for different people.
AFA the schooling topic that came up elsewhere, I think you might have misunderstood what was being said. I don't at all think the b-mom who posted that "expected" the a-parents to ask her "permission" about homeschooling or anything else for that matter. I think she was saying that she felt honored that they initiated the conversation and asked her opinion, not her permission. If she had said no, the a-parents still might have felt that homeschooling was best and then that's what they would need to do. (In fact, I believe she said elsewhere something about other things that she wanted one thing and the a-parents decided another.) No one is saying a-parents are puppets or that b-parents are the boss. Adoption, by definition, means there are two sets of parents -- always. So while we are in no way co-parenting with DD's firstmom (we named her together, but have made all decisions post-placement ourselves), I wouldn't hesitate to ask her opinion on a topic that I sensed might be of importance to her. At the end of the day though, DH and myself would have to make the decision for DD that we felt was best, because we are her parents and her firstmom supports us completely.
I really don't think there's anything in this post that is negative or that is scaring people away from DA/OA... every domestic adoption is different, every open adoption is different. Our OA looks totally different from someone else's OA. Hopefully, if anything, all our conversation is just helping others think through what is going to be the best for their family.
Could continue typing away, but will stop there... maybe this would be a good HTT for this week?
No offense taken. There seem to be a lot of varying opinions about this. I guess I feel more the same way that the ladies do about this borderlining on "co-parenting", which I don't personally feel adoption should be about. I certainly don't think that giving your child up for adoption makes you less of a mother, but I do think that it makes you less of a "mom" to that child - if that makes any sense. (I do think that birth moms should certainly be able to pick a name for their child, but understand that the name might get changed. However, if the child is old enough to KNOW their name, I feel that it should not be changed. These are just personal opinions)
Now, Katie...I don't know what your relationship is like with the birth mom of your future son, or how open you can be with her. But I'm wondering if it's possible to find out WHAT she doesn't like about the name. Does it remind her of someone she knows and doesn't like, for example? If so, it might be hard to sway her mind. Is it a unique name, and she prefers more common ones? Or, is it just that she doesn't like the sound? In that case, it COULD end up growing on her. I don't want to give false hope or anything, but when my mom suggested to my dad a name she liked for me, he HATED it - and then changed his mind and loved it, and it's the name I have today.
Let's say it's the latter. Maybe you could say that you and your husband are going to keep talking about names, and that you will let her know when you have some ideas, and that maybe she could keep thinking about the name you already told her to see if it "grows" on her - that would be fair.
But again...I bet your caseworker, when she's back, would have some great advice about this, and how to handle it as delicately as possible!
Clomid Cycle #1: 50mg = BFP
=Beautiful baby girl born May 23, 2009
TTC#2: BFP Cycle #1, no fertility meds!
Yes, that's an option (I don't *personally* think it's the best one, but some have no problem w/ that), but this is actually what I said:
Totally understand where you are coming from in regards to mourning. But I do have an honest question and hope you'll understand I'm not being snarky at all, but truly am curious. What if an e-mom chose you and she was set on a particular name? Would it be a deal breaker for you? (Again, NO hurt intended. Totally hypothetical.)
We may have to agree to disagree on this one. I still honestly think you've misunderstood what I was trying to say, but that's fine. I don't feel like I "need" to ask permission in any way. I *want* to be respectful of my DD's other mom, even though I am the one in the position of making decisions. (And this is also a hypothetical thing for me b/c this hasn't been an issue that's come up for us yet, but I'm imagining what I would do.) It's not something I would do out of "duty," but rather out of love and because I respect what she might have to add to a conversation. And in the end, we might have different opinions, and DH and myself would have to make our own choice for our family.
I'm out for the night, but would love to continue discussing OA/coparenting/parental privileges and rights in a new thread, maybe Tuesday?
Hoping, we were posting at the same time.
Glad you understood I wasn't being rude. 
These are some great ideas, especially if you are close enough to be able to discuss things like that with the e-mom.
Again, Katie, I'm really sorry your question has been taken on so many different directions! I apologize!