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Adoption
ZachnLoriahn
member
Loriahn's weekly Point of View
ZachnLoriahn
member
in Adoption
Ok, so I figured I'll start a weekly Point of View post to give you my Point of View.
So I figured I'll introduce myself a little more then if ANY one has ANY adoption related questions I'll be more than happy to anwser. 
Ok my name is Loriahn, I am 29 years old. And currently in the US Army. (although Im finally getting out after 11 years of service and 2 tours to Iraq. ) My DH is also in the Army and we met in 2003 in Iraq, remet in 2008 on our 2nd tour and got married and are expecting OUR first child in September.
I had 2 MC back in 1999,2000 At the age of 20 they put me through , menopause (via lupron) for 6 months then pulled me out. 3 months later I was carring triplets, however before I found out it was triplets I had already choosen the AP's for the baby.
I placed another baby in Spring 2003
And currently parent a 4 year old from my most recent former marriage.
I am VERY passionate about adoption being both a birthparent and an adult adoptee. and having worked with adoptions the past 7 years have become even more passionate.
I do speak my mind, and am a realist, so if I offend any one I truely apologize, although Im told I think I'll offend way more than I actually do.
Well I gotta kinda get back to work, but any ??S you have I'll anwser !! and I'll post here at least once a week!
Please dont worry about offending me I dont hold grudges. and Im very PC when it comes to adoption language and the way things are worded so if I feel you have "portrayed" what you are trying to say in a way that MAY be offensive I might send a PM.
ok I'll quit rambling!! Cant wait to get to know you all!!
-Loriahn
PS Im currently stationed just south of Seattle, WA
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Re: Loriahn's weekly Point of View
Sounds good!
I'm interested in your take on Married3.23.03's perspective on BF'ing.
Thoughts?
(Not singling you out Married03.23.03. Your post just got me thinking and I'm curious as to this birthmother's perspective.)
Ok, well first off I (with the AP's) decided that breastmilk was best for as long as I could provide it, so for 4 weeks for the triplets and for 2 weeks with the 6 year old, I pumped milk.
I have a friend who did ABF. And succeded. As a mother now I KNOW how important BF can be. But some BM's might not see it the same way. So I would say if you are going to be in the hospital with the BM @ delivery I wouldn't suggest ABF in front of the BM as it may be hard for her. If your baby is preterm or spends anytime in the NICU, or if the BM is going to be in the area, you can also dicuss the idea of her pumping to help the baby out the first week or so. Since colostrum is best for the baby, then you can transition the baby to you!! Also, they use tubes over the shoulder to start ABFing until your body starts producing its own milk so you coudl use the BM's breast milk to start out with that way its easier on the baby's stomach than switching between BM and formula.
Im all for breast milk. and I think BF is a beautiful thing!
Just be open with yoru BM and talk to her about it!
Hope this helped if not. I can try to clarify again. (I think I had too much caffine today!) Yeish!! I cheated!! (now Im being punished)
Since you have the point of view of both a birth parent and an adoptee, I was wondering if there are any books that you personally find helpful for an AP to read and understand the feelings of their child and how to relate to them. ?
I am currently reading Twenty Things Adopted Kids Think Their Adoptive Parents Should Know. ?
I understand that our future child (whether they express it or not) will experience grief, and loss throughout the different stages of their life, and I want to convey that that is ok, and we as parents are open to help them through it. ?I just want to make sure I truly can HELP them through it. ?I will never truly understand, as I have not lived their life, but I really just want to do the best job I can in this area. ? I admit that it scares me, that I could unintentionally hurt them instead of help them, because I don't have that personal understanding of being an adopted child. ?I'm not just talking about the BIG discussions, but the little things I can do to acknowledge their life before they joined ours, without them feeling that we are constantly pointing out the differences. ?I'm babbling, I hope you know what I mean. ?
?BTW, while we are open to an OA, the chances of that are slim, through the International process. ??
Hi Loriahn! I'm looking forward to reading your posts and hearing your insight to both the birthparent and adoptee perspectives.
candm, no problem! I don't feel singled out at all.
I totally agree with Loriahn about just being honest w/ an expectant mom that you are planning to attempt ABF. I think if it works for everyone, great! But some b-moms are very hurt by that, so that was my point -- just to be aware that it has the potential for causing a lot of pain and to be honest about your intentions. Like I was saying, a lot of e-moms don't even realize ABF is possible (even as a potential a-parent, I sure didn't!). One b-mom I am thinking of found out the hard way... when her daughter was only a few months old and she was visiting her -- the a-mom started breastfeeding the baby right in front of the b-mom! So it came as a surprise to her, first that it was even possible, and second all the emotions that came with it.
marlee -- I know you weren't asking me in particular, but just wanted to say that "Twenty Things" is a great read! Very heavy, but totally worth it. I went to a seminar a few years ago w/ the author, and she was a fascinating speaker!
In my opionion. and from my experience both BP's and AP's will get their feelings hurt by the other party and some point. But I have found that being open and honest (while being compassionate and trying to understand the other point of view) is WAY better than walking on egg shells.
Ask her if she knows about it, if not educate let her know what it entails, ask her how she feels about it. And try to understand where she might be coming from. Hopefully if you make this a "common practice" she will feel open and free to tell you how she feels, and on the same hand try to understand your feelings and where you are coming from! (while I was pregnant with the triplets the AP's and I went round and round about the boys being circumsized/unciced) I wanted it done and strongly belive in it however, they felt the opposite, in the end they won. However, i got over it.
But the important thing was that we were communicating about it.
Hope this helps.
Loriahn
Couldn't agree with you more.
I've seen women on other boards who will say on the topic of ABF (for example) that the baby is theirs now and the bio mom has no say b/c she gave up her rights, so it doesn't matter if she's hurt by ABF (or whatever the topic is). That is a problem. Of course the a-parents are the ones who have the privilege of daily parenting and making decisions for the child, but if DD's firstmom had a strong conviction about some decision to be made, I can't imagine that my DH and I wouldn't at least hear her out and consider what she had said. In the end we have to make the decision we feel is best for our child and our family, and that may or may not by what her firstmom thinks is best, but as you said -- the point is communication and respect!
I think it's important to talk about these things pre-birth, too. E-mom should have all the "inside information" about things you know you will do as a parent b/c she deserves to be fully "in the know" about the family that her child might be a part of. Obviously you can't possibly know every single thing about the future, but the big things need to be out there.
(Just thought I should also mention that, in our situation, DD's firstmom has always been 100% supportive of us as parents... I didn't want to misrepresent that fact.)
I just watched your Adoption Story, thank you for sharing!
This is more out of curiosity than anything else, but what made you choose different APs for your 2nd adoption?
I'll chime in on my feelings as a Birthmother about BF'ing. I was really afraid to BF. (Actually, I was scared to hardly even hold her) for fear that I would become more attached than I already was and not be able to follow through with the adoption. It was a gift I just could not give. My milk drying up was the most physically painful part of the pregnancy/delivery/recovery. For us, there was also the added difficulty of me returning home (1000 miles away) immediately after birth.
If they had chosen to ABF or purchase banked milk, I would have been all for it.
Thank you for answering my nosy question! I'm so happy to hear that everybody knows each other. It sounds like a very positive situation!
Thanks for adding your thoughts, Mrs.BoomBoom. I think my daughter's mother was similar to you in her feelings about attachment, but obviously a mother's love is already there. I had hoped she would be able to BF her in the hospital, especially for the colostrum, but it just didn't work out. Partially b/c her milk wasn't in yet (DD was born via c-section, and I guess milk takes longer to come in after that than a vag birth), but I also think the emotions behind BFing were part of that for DD's firstmom, too.