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Parenting
I need your advice...badly.
this is my AE and I just don't want this crap searchable under my regular screen name...
(sorry if this is super long- I really need some advice.)
so...I don't even know how to make this story short...but my husband has a drinking problem.
He has gotten increasingly better over the years and I need your help to know if I am blowing this out of proportion or not.
He is a really good husband and dad-he has not been a minute late for work in the almost 9 years we've been together, he is kind and considerate and helpful and funny and smart, great with money, and overall a super guy.
but not when he's drinking. He used to drink A LOT. all the time, to excesses that would make a normal person barf. I DID know this going into the marriage- you might suggest I should have known better-but I also used to be a big drinker and I assume that most people do that when they're young, then they grow out of it and drink like an adult as they start to live an adult life-perhaps I am mistaken in that thinking, hindsight, and what have you...
We have fought about it for years- it is pretty much the only thing we ever fight about. I can't even think of a fight that wasn't about his alcohol consumption, in fact..
When he drinks he is not abusive or mean, he doesn't drive drunk, but he has to get drunk. There is no having a beer or two- it has to be drinking to get drunk (binge drinking, like a college kid.)
He inherited this lovely trait from his father-they are exactly alike in this sense- they are entitled to get drunk after a long week of work (he only drinks on weekends) and pass out on the couch then wake up at 2-3 am and come to bed loudly, get up loudly a couple of hours later, and loudly take some advil and drink water, and then sleep late the next day, and lay around and complain about feeling like crap ( NOT because of drinking! Because of working so hard/ so much!...right.)
I don't want him teaching our children that this is ok. I want them to grow up with a healthy relationship with alcohol( which I think is possible- I drink socially or have a drink at home once in awhile. I don't get drunk or anything- I think that is fine.)
He used to get drunk all the time- any time he didn't have to get up early, in fact. He has cut it back to always on Friday and usually Saturday too.
Does this sound like a problem? Am I just too sensitive to it? I hate him when he's drinking- he gets loud, obnoxious and hoots and hollers at the tv, clapping his hands like a moron...irritating, but not mean or abusive...I can't stand to be around him, and as soon as he opens that first bottle- I know I start throwing additude-in anticipation of his ass-fest.
We had a big blowout about it last night, I decided to try bringing it up when he hadn't been drinking-this topic is off limits for the most part-Im not allowed to bring it up unless I want a huge fight... he claims that I am just trying to control him and he is a grown man he'll do what he wants, he needs to relax on weekends...he isn't hurting anyone...but I am not into it. I think it is time to learn to have a couple of drinks and then STOP.
I feel like he is hurting our marriage- I am grossed out by his immature behavior, I think that there are ways to cope with life that don't include drinking to the point of drunkeness...but when he isn't drinking or moping off a hang over, he is awesome-it's just those 2 days a week that I don't like him at all..and the hangover that he claims he doesn't have makes him sleep most of the day on weekends and act really snippy and crabby for the most part. but he always says he's just exhausted form working so much- it has nothing to do with the fact that he drank until he passed out on the couch the night before...eyeroll...
At this point I can't even tell if I am just used to having the same damn fight or if I am right in my thinking...
He slept in the guest room last night, and when I woke up he was writing me a note that bascally said "you win, Ill never touch alcohol again"
he has said this before...he has even admitted to having a problem before, but this time ( and his drinking is WAY more under control than it used to be) he is pretty much acting like I am just trying to control him, and he'll stop for me-not because he has a problem, but because I do. I told him, fine. I'll go to counselling for my problem and try to deal with it. He thinks that is ridiculous.
He called me a couple of minutes ago and said he was sorry, and he was just not ever going to drink again( I just want him to stop getting binge wasted every weekend- I don't care if he drinks or goes out and has a couple of drinks- like a normal person-) but he says he just will never touch it again..( I feel like this is a set up for failure, he will touch it again, things will slip back to how they are now.slowly..I know it will happen) but am I over reacting about how they are now?? I need outside perspective, because this is a 9 year arguement.
I don't want to dictate rules- I don't want him to resent me- but I don't want to resent him, either.
He said that when he gets home tonight, he wants everything to be like normal, as though we never had this conversation, except he won't have a case of beer when he gets home, because he is "never drinking again" He can't just limit his drinking, because he doesn't want limitations and qualifiers on his life....He'd rather just not drink at all than have his drinking monitored..
I don't even know what I think about this?
please help?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I need your advice...badly.
I could have written this same post about someone in my life. Yes, it is a problem. No, you are not overreacting. The fact that he's saying he'd rather not drink then limit his drinks shows that he can't control himself. ((((hugs)))) I know how hard it is.
I would suggest some other type of treatment besides AA. AA is fantastic, but I think a lot of the people there fit into a more traditional definition of alcoholism and he might just find himself saying, "that's not me, that's not me" One on one might be better for him.
good luck!!
I agree with pp and at least it sounds like he is willing to "try" to change....try being the keyword. I would insist on counseling of some sort....for both of you even..just so he knows he isnt' in it alone. You may have to hit rock bottom before you do something "drastic"...like leave....but if you ever do, he may realize he HAS to stop or he will lose you. If you put up with it, he may continue knowing that you will "take it".
Keep us posted. I am really sorry you are going through this.
I am so sorry that you're having to deal with this.. and that you've had to deal with it for the past 9 years.?
?
I think there is never going to be a time with him where he can have just 1-2 drinks. ?It sounds like much more of a problem than that.
I agree with the PP, I think he needs to seek help. ?Especially since it seems to have stemmed from his father. ?
Even if it is only 2 days a week, you shouldn't have to put up with that kind of behavior. ?He needs to learn other ways to relax. ?
Sorry that I didn't have more advice. [[hugs]]?
you are so right about that- he does claim that he doesn't fit the definition of the traditional alcoholic, and therefore doesn't REALLY have a problem...but I found this website: https://alcoholism.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ/Ya&sdn=alcoholism&zu=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.bma-wellness.com%2Fpapers%2FExcuses_Alcoholics.html
and it pretty much has word for word things that he has said to me during our confrontations- he fits the binge drinking definition to a t- but I don't think he really accepts that as someone with a problem...you know?
All of his friends are much worse- his brother, his dad...this is all ingrained so deeply into his psyche that I really think he thinks I am the weirdo..
( and thanks! I appreciate the advice.)
i have no advice but big ((((hugs))))))))
"
Ethan {1.11.10} & Malia {12.28.06}
I don't have too much advice, but I wanted to say that this definitely sounds like a problem, and I don't think you are overreacting. ?Is he saying he'll stop just so you won't "nag" him about it or because he actually recognizes that it's a problem?
It sounds to me like he's a functioning alcoholic, and I think it's difficult in that situation for some people to recognize there's an issue. ?My mom is like this. ?She'll claim she's fine because she gets to work on time, etc. ?In her words, "It's not like I'm some drunk on the street." ?That's great, but her drinking definitely impacts the family. ?
I wonder if he'd be willing to see a marriage counselor who specializes in addictions? (if those even exist) ?It sounds like he might need an independent party to help convince him that it's a real problem and that what he is doing does hurt other people.
Good luck.?
Sorry, my computer was acting all wonky.
I agree with the other poster about just having 1-2 drinks. I don't think you're overreacting at all. You are your husband are setting an example for your children. You said yourself his father did the same thing. I hope he gets into a program and gets the help he needs. Good luck!
Yeah, he's got a big problem and you might need to put it to him like this....quit or I'm outta here.
It's not that cut and dry, I know, I'm just not going to go into the sensitivity of the subject, communicate your feelings, trial separation, counseling, yada yada yada, you can read in between all those lines. I just don't have a ton of patience for alcoholics. My first marriage was this very situation.
My mom wass a "functioning" alcoholic very similar to this for YEARS. Eventually, she stopped being functional - she and my dad divorced, my sister and I are both basically estranged from her now, she is a mess and it is really sad and f-ed up, and it really, really, really caused problems for my sister and I growing up.
So, I say yes - he needs help. Yes, it will affect your children. Counseling is a great idea - he needs to figure out that he is an alcoholic. even though he doesn't fit the "I slept under a dumpster last night and blacked out for 3 days" definition.
I highly suggest al-anon meetings for you - they do a very good job of teaching you how to "deal" with the alcoholics in your life, regardless of what "type" of alcoholic they are.
Obviously he needs alcohol dependancy treatment. Whether he chooses to get it or not is out of your control.
What is in your control is yourself and how you deal with it. You can choose to take positive steps like getting counseling for YOURSELF and going to Al-Anon, which is for family and friends of alcoholics.
My family also had many alcoholics. It pretty much sucks, but it is not normal and it isn't ok.
I am really sorry you are going through this and I don't think you are overreacting.
my dh was very similar. 5 years ago we went out bowling and he was drunk. He threw the ball out into the crowd instead of down a lane. He was lucky it didn't hit anyone. For him it was a wake up call and he decided to go dry. I did not ask him to do so but I was very, very glad.
He lost a ton of friends -- I guess they weren't friends. His brothers made funo f him. It was all so hard on him, but he did it. He did go to AA for a while, but not much.
Fast forward 5 years and this summer we decided that while on vacation, he'd have a beer. Right now he drinks VERY casually -- a couple of beers sporadically and if we go out with friends he'll get tipsy a bit. I was nervous, but he's doing ok.
So this isn't advice, just my story (or DH's story). GL.