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Adoption
Do agencies request medical records?
per my previous post... sorry...
It says "parents must have no hx of mental illness, including use of anti-depressants."
How would they find out DH has taken one ?
We figure he could go see a new GP, not mention the meds, and give those records if asked. It's a couple of happy pills, for gosh sakes. Hate to think this could stand in the way of giving this agency thousands of dollars for a kid.
thoughts? experience?
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Re: Do agencies request medical records?
I understand where you are coming from, and I understand how arbitrary and down right dumb some rules seem.
I personally feel that one should not lie or manipulate the system that is in place. Certainly you could lie to the agency or the country's govt you are adopting from ... but what happens if it comes out during your home study to the social worker? What happens if it comes out some how during your post placement visits?
I kind of feel like lies have a way of catching up with us, and it could have dramatic consequences.
I don't mean to sound rude or insensitive, but some times some things are not meant to be. Perhaps you were meant to adopt from a different country or even the US?
And, I don't really appreciate the blahsey statement: "hate to think this could stand in the way of giving this agency thousands of dollars for a kid". Sorry.
I was going to collect my thoughts and respond to you tomorrow, but this post made me feel that a response tonight was appropriate.
To answer your question honestly, no. A foreign government has no way that I know of of checking your past medical history. BUT--and it is a big but--you MUST consider some of the possible bigger consequences of deceit. These consequences could be far bigger than affecting you adoption alone.
I know you are just in the early stages of research, and I'm hoping that is part of the reason you haven't already reached this conclusion already, but if you are planning to pursue an international adoption, the first thing you should know is that ALL international adoptions are very tenuous. In just the short time I have been involved in the adoption community, I have seen entire programs (adoptions from a particular county) shut down on the mere suspicion of improper or unethical processes/procedures. I have seen countries stop adoptions to the US because of reports of baby/child trafficking from one country?only to reopen their programs when the US became a signatory to the Hague Adoption Convention, which was designed to ensure that all adoptions are performed ethically. My post below about ?adoptions? from Egypt highlights how critical it is to the continuance of all adoptions that each adoption is conducted with the utmost in ethical practices. The mere suggestion that shady practices are afoot is enough to have entire programs discontinued?and rightfully so. A country should have assurances that their children are not being sold to foreigners and that their citizens are not being coerced to giving up their children. If we want to adopt from other nations, we must respect this paradigm, and do everything within our power to ensure our adoptions are transparent, legal, ethical, honorable, and completely and unquestionably within the guidelines of the ?sending? country.
Please do not try to conceal your husband?s antidepressant use. It can lead to no good. Even if your adoption goes off without a hitch, the ramifications could be so much greater than you can imagine if the truth ever comes out. The subtle effects such cases could eventually lead to the slow erosion of other countries? faith in the US as home to strong candidates for adoptive parents.
During my relatively short time in the adoption world, I have become a firm believer that there really is a program for every person who pursues adoption with a pure heart. If you do not match Thailand?s requirements, it is most likely for the best. My guess is, that is an indication that there are some aspects of the nation?s culture that do not sit well with you, and that you will not be able to completely honor that culture in your children?s presence. Parents who adopt internationally face the task of teaching their children about the culture in which they were born, and incorporating that culture into the family?s home life, as that culture is as integral a part of the child?s life as the culture in which they are raised.
May I ask why you are leaning towards Thailand? Perhaps those characteristics can be found in other nations and their adoption programs. I?m sure there is a program that fits you and your family perfectly?it?s just a matter of finding it!
Wow. I'm kind of surprised how PP have kid-gloved this. I'm gonna be a little more honest.
DO NOT LIE TO YOUR AGENCY. Don't switch doctors to get the paperwork you think they want.
It's pretty obvious you are very early in this process. As you go further you will realize that agencies and governments have requirements for adoptive parents for a reason. If you don't like them, don't fit the criteria, or don't morally/ethically agree with them, then don't work with that group. But don't try to weasel your way through the process - it's disrepectful to the birthparents, the children, and the adoptive parents who HAVE met the criteria.
Secondly, please don't refer to adoption as "giving this agency thousands of dollars for a kid." You are not buying a child! You are paying the agency for services they render in the interest of finding a permanent placement for a child. There should be no expectation on the part of an adoptive parent that because you can write a big check and you want a child that you are entitiled to have one placed with you. If it were that easy (or even appropriate), we wouldn't be on this board working through the difficulties and trials that come with the adoption process.
I know this response sounds harsh - but better that you hear it from an anonymous stranger than to embarass yourself in front of hardworking adoption professionals who are making a judgment call about your fitness as a potential adoptive parent.
Seconding, CS's eloquent words.
Don't be discouraged....there is a program for you. It may seem daunting and it may seem like all the odds are stacked against you but be patient and research. Thailand may not be your answer but there are so many children waiting for willing parents....it's just part of your journey to find your child.
Good luck.
Thanks for the tips.
I know, what a waste of "breath."
I would definitely not lie to the agency about anti-depressants as if it comes out it can cause massive consequences including your application being terminated. I'm on anti-depressants for fibromyalgia so while I'm not clinically depressed I still have to state that I am using the medication on my adoption forms. But if I apply for IA and the country has a policy concerning anti-depressants, I know that most agencies allow your doctor to submit a recommendation on behalf of you or your husband explaining the use of medication and whether or not he/she feels that it would hinder your parenting. So there are ways to address the issue without lying.
I also have a problem with the statement "giving this agency thousands of dollars for a kid." You should probably find a better perspective on what it actually means to adopt. You are not buying a kid at a place like Walmart.
me too:
I try very hard not to invite controversy to this board, so I avoided commenting on the "Hate to think this could stand in the way of giving this agency thousands of dollars for a kid."
But now, since it seems that the OP is intent on doing whatever she thinks she can get away with anyway, I have to say that this whole post, and that quote in particular, really makes me hope this is MUD. Unfortunately, there are people like this out there, so I tried to answer the best way I could to help her gain a better understanding of some of the issues involved. Now I am just upset that so many of us bothered.
?
Me too. ?Unfortunately the smileys don't work on safari, so I'll just say "ditto".
You are more gracious than I.
This whole thread makes me sad. The OP hit all the same nerves with me and I was about to respond but decided to read first. Very well said, all of you who replied. I am glad that you did because I think sometimes having what we want to do challenged, we all tend to draw back into our shells like young children, but I hope that the words will still take root
OK, I'll play..
I didn't respond with more than a "thanks" b/c I felt the majority of you talked in a very condesending manner I didn't like. Rather than start chit, I just thanked you for your time and moved on. Sure, I am in the VERY early stages of this process, but that does not make me stupid.
2nd, the reason why I made the reference of giving the agency money, was purely out of sticker shock. I had NO idea that considering a special-needs child would be such an initial investment with the agency(s). (sure, I know they have higher costs to their care, again, not stupid, nor a "young child" which again, proves my point some of you are talking in a downward manner. ) Seeing the up front costs of adoption made me sad, thinking that money could stand in the way of adding to our family.
Perhaps this is a board that loves drama (hoping it's MUD, come on!) but you're not going to get it from me. I asked my questions, got some answers, and now I know there are better places to get more questions answered.
So, um...again... thanks.
OMG, seriously. You are the most clueless person I have ever encountered. I can't decide if you are deliberate in your attempts to irritate people or if it is just natural with you.
This is a difficult process. It (and the women posting here) deserves your respect at a bare minimum.
Wow. I think that everyone who originally responded was actually respectful and thorogh, as one poster put it kid gloves, with responding to you.
The only reason I am on this board is because it is drama free, even though we all have varying beliefs and varying paths with adoption.
I'm sorry that you felt that people were rude or talked down to you, but the way you phrased things and your general attitude may have contributed to that because it seemed very adoption-ignorant, so perhaps people thought you needed more educating.
Lying isn't in my nature, so the idea of lying and manipulating to get what you want followed up by your treating adoption like 'buying a child' (even if you had uh 'sticker shock') really made me question your character.
But uh, I wish you luck in becoming educated and well researched before you continue forth with your journey for the sake of the child you may adopt.
It's really odd that someone who is a bronze poster doesn't know enough to read (lurk?) posts before posting and get a feel for the tone and "voice" of the board--and if you HAD read some posts you wouldn't have posted that dribble about this being a place filled with drama. Not a strong argument.
?
It's too bad because besides your original post being...crass in tone, your topic was a valid point. ?Many people DO have a medical past and it probably is a worry for them as they venture down this long road.
Nest lesson #1--Read before posting to get a feel for the board--then you don't come off looking like a total jackass! ?
Adoption ignorant? Um, yes. I said that. we are JUST starting the process. I asked if they asked for medical records, and got read the riot act for even thinking of leaving that part out. I didn't ask for your narcassistic opinions, I asked for facts.
And you can say "but we were really nice" all you want, but if I took your "words" in a condesending way, then that's how I took them.
The mere fact that someone had to ask "are we rude?" should maybe point out that you could be. Just sayin.
*edit to say... I'm a douche, jackarse, child, ignorant, crass... what a welcoming group. What nice people you must be. I didn't come here to be BFF's, I asked a question. And you guys don't like to stir the turd... nooooooooo........
Davez,
I really had no problem with your initial question. Country requirements can be shocking. It may even be natural to try to find a way to make the country's policies work for you. I think you got the message that lying or concealing information could lead to a whole heap of trouble. It's unethical, and could cause further problems down the road. Just keep reading, educating yourself, and go to agency information sessions . . . you'll find the program right for you.
My only suggestion is to be aware of positive adoption language. In the future, you'd be wise to avoid comments like "giving this agency thousands of dollars for a kid." I get what you're saying (and yeah, the sticker shock hurts) but that comment and the underlying tone could be seen as insensitive.
For the record, this board is sooo not into the drama. I don't think any of us have the patience for that.
Good luck
This whole thread has me slightly sick to the stomach. DaveZ has been crass and rude to other posters on T-TTC, I remember her sarcastic and often snide comments on that board where I posted under another name.( And before you slam me for that, I would like to ask you to walk in my shoes where I have had SERIOUS privacy issues with an evil individual who tried to destroy my marriage and I wish to remain anonymous in a forum where I get much needed support and information in my 6 year quest to become a mother.) DaveZ has been blessed with a beautiful child through IVF ( I believe, I may be incorrect...and I believe she is also a medical professional...Nurse? I forget..) I have been annoyed at her in the past, although I do not believe she has ever targeted me specifically. Crass seems to be her style.
The journey we have all been on to even BEGIN to THINK about posting on an adoption board is hard enough and to come here and read a flippant comment about handing over thousands of dollars to some agency to :hand over a kid: does not sit well with me at all.
Davez, please know that questions here are welcome and we are all newcomers to adoption at some time and I certainly am no expert yet myself, but please do not come here and be flip and rude to women who are still struggling to have something you already have and expect to be served up an answer on a silver plate, irregardless of your insensitivity.
I myself am not using an agency and I do not believe you could EVER endure what my DH and I are going thru trying to find our own match. You seem to be of the "just adopt" mindset...and I know you were a T-TTCer. Shame on you.Our advertising alone has taken me almost 4 months to prepare not to mention the 2 months I spent constructing my profile, and the thousands of dollars I am spending to produce my own print media and advertising. I am so stressed over this whole process I have had migraines and real chest pain this past week.
Your "take the easy way out" "can I lie to my agency" and "we''ll just adopt our next child" attitude frankly makes me quesy. Please wake up. This is not a drama seeking crowd. We are seeking our dreams to become parents. Please do not become our nightmare.
No one was condescending to you. I am sure since your two posts were long you realize how much time the ladies on here put into giving you good advice and anecdotal information. You didn't even thank those people who responded to you in your original post.
This is a drama free board and is full of information. If you had lurked for even one day you would have figured this out. NO one here drove you out of town on a rail. You did that all on your own. Good luck on your adoption.