How do you deal with feelings of failure?

lovemy2boys

I'm having a hard day today.  I feel like I have failed in all things baby(ies).

I couldn't get pregnant on my own (we did IVF).

I had an incompetent cervix, which led to a cercalge, which led to bed rest.

I didn't carry our boys to term.

I have MAJOR supply issues, and now it looks like both boys will be FF.

Even if I had a supply, my babies don't "get" BF'ing.  At all.

I just feel like a complete failure.  Like what mom can't BF their own children?!?!?  I know many women struggle with this, and I'm not trying to put anyone else down...I'm just having a really hard time coming to terms with the way all of this has turned out.

Any ideas on how to deal with these feelings?

lemen99

I feel the same way sometimes!

I had problems getting preg, incompetent cervix, delivered at 26w, and Andrew doesn't seem to "get" BF either. But we can't control any of these things.

 I guess I remind myself that God chose us for a reason.  Maybe because we can handle it and because we're doing everything we can (within our control) to help our son.  We give him a good home and love him no matter what.

 

TriciaJoy

Stop and tell yourself 3 good things. Honestly, the negative thoughts tend to spiral..
We had to use IUI to get pregnant, the pre-e made him come early, Robbie won't eat AT ALL. (what mom can't BOTTLE feed?) I am still pumping, but I take handfuls of domperidone to keep my supply up..

But you know what? I love my kid. I sat by his side at the hospital for 96 days. I learned everything I could. I keep on top of his development and don't let embarrassment keep me from asking questions, learning new things or asking for help.

I barely slept for months becuase he didn't. I managed not to lose my mind through all of it.

Do I feel like it's never enough? Yes. But it's all I've got and it's more than a lot of people do.

You're a good mom and that's all anyone can ask of you. You didn't do drugs act recklessly. You didn't cause any of this.. you're just doing your best to make the most of a difficult situation.

LisaandBryan

I've been feeling low too. I just watn them out. The longer they are in for me  the harder it gets.  I'm so burnt out on gooing to the nicu.  I went to a baby shower the other day and the girl got pregnant on her first try and she was31 weeks.  I didnt even maek it that far.  That made me feel like a major failure so I know what you mean.  Like can't I catch a fricking break on one thing?

If it makes you feel any better, I didn't have a choice to even BF. I had a breast reduction when I was 17 so I know it could be an issue.  I didn't have any milk come in sothe boys have been FF since day one.

The things that help me when I'm feeling negative are that I know it could be worse.  I have seen 2 babies die in my NICU since I've been there and it was very traumatizing for me. 

I can see the light at teh end of the tunnel. I know they are coming home and soon. That's what keeps me going.   

 

lstaylor73

I know how your feeling.  And I too was only able to pump for 18 weeks.  It was sooooo difficult and finally I had to realize that it just wasn't working for us, for me, as part of my lifestyle and well being with everything else going on.  A good friend of mine gave me this link about grieving as a preemie parent and I'll be honest, I have not been able to get past the first two paragraphs without bursting into tears.  My goal is to use this to get through my own feelings.  I hope it helps you start to work on your feelings.

https://www.preemie-l.org/ALEXIs21.html

fothwk1

I feel the same things. The BF is what gets me... Every one says its "natural and instinct" so why couldn't we do it? Things would be so much easier if I did not have to fortify and DS could latch. I also feel angry when I see big prego bellies. I wanted one of those! I try not to dwel on these things but I do feel as though I am missing out on a lot. And it is not fair. I hope I can not be so resentful and angry.

mhop

I can completely empathize, especially about the IF guilt.  After I had C I kept thinking about how it took 3 IUI's to get pregnant.  Maybe my body isn't supposed to be pregnant, maybe my body knew this would happen and that's why I had IF, maybe I went against God's will with the fertility treatments and this is what happens...  These are all thoughts that I had.  I still struggle with them from time to time.  I know it's hard to hear, but time really does help.  Also, talking about these things here with other preemie moms because even DH doesn't understand...

So, no real words of wisdom, just wanted to offer my support ((hugs))

mek10976

I wasn't able to BF either and was constantly feeling like a failure.  Especially when I saw other NICU moms coming in with buckets of breast milk, which they joyfully explained was just from the morning.  It didn't help that every book on preemies I read said that breast fed preemies are smarter, better behaved, better adjusted, better sleeper, etc.  I didn't fully feel ok with my failure feelings until DS came home.  I eventually came to the conclusion that I had given it my best and FF isn't as bad as people make you to believe.  My mom also kept reminding me that most babies of my generation (1970's) were formula fed, including me, and I turned out fine.  Hope you feel better.

ijack

When I figure it out I'll let you know.

I am SO sorry you are dealing with this, it's the worst feeling in the world. I still deal with this on a daily basis and E is a year old, it sucks!

1. You didn't get PG on your own because you were meant to have these 2 babies and if hadn't done IVF they wouldn't be here

2. Someone wanted you to take a load off and chill for a little bit and have someone else do the work for a while.

3. I'm going to be selfish here and say that someone wanted me to feel useful and get over my horrible NICU anxiety. In a non-selfish answer you got a couple more months with them than you could have. You got to become a mom that much sooner.

4. It's really common in preemie moms, especially twin preemie moms. If they are formula fed you can be drunk that much more often.

5. Emma didn't get BFing until she was 4 months old and she's never been a stellar eater. There is nothing wrong with not breastfeeding and choosing to pump or FF instead.

 I know you weren't actually looking for answers but I decided to give them to you anyway Hugs buddy, they're almost home!

Soon2bMcDaniel

I am really sorry you are feeling this way.  I am new to this whole preemie thing also.  I am not sure if I can tell you anything different than the others.  I have not been able to carry to term with both of my children.  The second had a cerclage and is in NICU.  You have a beautiful family. 

::HUGS::

JenniferHolly

Oh Kerry,

I seriously could have written this post myself. We will get through this and our boys will be just fine.  We will be better mothers and people because our journey has been long.

XO

pmkmp

I deal with this daily.  My body completely failed my twins.  Our son died at 8 days old and our daughter has several repercussions from being born so premature. 

I won't lie.  For the most part, I don't deal with the feelings.  I keep busy and do my best to focus on the good things Aubrey is doing and how happy she makes me.  When I start to have a "moment," I shed a tear or two then quickly try to move onto something else.  I have just accepted that these feelings are now part of my life, for the rest of my life.  I don't want to focus on them.  I need to be there for my daughter so I have no choice but to put one foot in front of the other and continue on.

I doubt I was much help in the advice catagory, but I just wanted you to know you aren't alone.  Hang in there hon.

*KatieH*

I have to be honest I don't deal with the feelings. I am on a pretty high dosage of a anxiety/depression medicine, back in school and always try to fill my day with stuff for us to do so I cannot think. ?Whenever something goes wrong I always cry and blame myself ?it's just the way it is going to be for me for now.?

Kalki

Everything you wrote, is how I feel too. We had IVF, an incompetent cervix, cerclage, bedrest, born at 29w4d, major supply issues where I take Dom to increase my supply and I STILL only make 50% of their feeds for breastmilk, and we aren't able to breastfeed (they never got it despite lots of trying).

I feel like a failure often. I deal with writing about it and then telling myself I am a good mother and I'm doing the best for my babies now. 

If you ever want to talk, let me know. *hugs*