HTT- naming a child

silliestbunny

What are your thoughts about naming your child? While we are all coming from different places, this topic applies to most of us.

If you are IA'ing it, will you preserve some of the culture and keep your child's given name?  Will you build on it?  Replace it?

If you are DA'ing, will the BM have any say in the naming of your child?  I've seen circumstances where the BM gives the baby a middle name.  Are you comfortable with such a practice?

 If you are Fost/Adopting, would you consider changing your child's name at the adoption?   Some may think it's odd, but I had a family member who was preparing to do just that to an 18-month old because they didn't like her given name.

Dr.Loretta

We're planning to do DIA. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, and if the BM wants any input at all.

Sally J

We are technically foster/adopt.  Although not yet official, we have changed my DD's name from her legal birth name.  Obviously on all legal documents/doctor records the name we have chosen isn't her name yet, but we do call her by the name we chose for her.  Our reasoning:

-She is our daughter and we wanted to choose a name for her that had meaning to us just like we did/will for our other children.  We also wanted a name that worked with our 13 letter, 4 syllable very German last name and her birth name did not.

-Her BM is my sister so we wanted to signal to family that she was now our DD and that the family dynamic has changed.  We have seen that renaming her has done just that.

-She was 7.5 months old when she came home and although probably knew her birth name a little, it wouldn't be traumatic to start calling her something else.  If she was older, we may have made a different decision.

BeachJenn

We are doing DA. We have names picked out but are flexible to the wish of BM and may even incorporate a form of her name to honor her. When the time comes it may be a totally different story.

jewele803

We did DA. BM had named DD she was 2 months old at time of placement.  She asked us to keep her middle name and we were fine w/ that.  DH was upset about the prospect at first, but it seemed like a reasonable request to me.  We had a bunch of names selected, so we just opted for one that worked well w/ the middle and our last name. 

Amy720

We did domestic adoption.  The BM named the child and put it on the birth certificate.  She didn't indicate wanting us to keep the name.  We changed all names and we would've been uncomfortable to keep a name from the BM because we wanted to pick the name ourselves.

jacksjerseygirl

DA:

There is part of me that feels the BM having a role in the naming process would be special for our child and for us. I also don't want to explain to our child (or adult child) later why we changed their name from their first birth certificate. Why we ignored their birth mother's wishes. And so forth. I've read many anti-adoption web sites and I can understand where these adoptees are coming from with regard to having a "first" and "second" birth certificates with different names. I think it would be surreal to always be known as 'Brandy' but to find out that my 'first name' was Angela. KWIM?

There is another part of me that feels like I would like to have 'just one thing' that is all mine (I know that sounds selfish, and "after all" I will the child will be 'all mine' because I get to be their forever-mom) - we have so very little control of things in adoption process, and by our choice our child will always know they were adopted and they will always know as much information (as is age appropriate) about their birth family as we do - there is this little devil on my shoulder that says .. let me just have this, let me name my child.

It's a struggle. We have names picked out (the middle names are family names). I suspect that some of this will come down to the birth mother. If she has any desire or expresses desire. If she asks. I've heard that some birth mothers ask the adoptive parents to provide the name so that it can be the same name on their original BC as well as the amended BC. Some of it just may come down to our relationship with her and the bond we build or don't build.

Jas*sGirl

We picked DD's name. In the beginning of the adoption discussion with our birth family they asked us if we had any names picked out.  We said we had names picked out for future children, but if they had any input we would be open to it.  They loved both of our names, so they named our DD her name in the hospital.

candm

We are doing international, older child adoption and felt it would be improper to change our children's name. I know other parents who have done it with older children and I suppose it's their right, but to me it seems to almost rob that child of a portion of their previous life (which they very likely will remember pieces of). Our children's transition from Haiti to our house is going to be shocking enough. We also happen to think our children's names are beautiful and we want them to be proud of their Haitian heritage. They did not have middle names (at least that we were told of so we chose middle names for them).

TTCgradstud

We're doing DA.  The failed match that we had, we did name her a completely new name, but if the BM had requested we use a name of her choice or if we really liked a name she had picked we would probably be willing to do so.  Since we don't have a definite name picked (or have even decided if we can reuse the name we had already given to the baby in the failed adoption), we are pretty flexible with the name as long as it fits the baby. 

Honeydew1894

Hmmm, that's a tough one. I think I would be open to hearing the birth mom's wishes, but not definitely agreeing. With a girl, I would be happy to be very flexible with her middle name, but for a boy, I'd want him to have DH's name as his middle name. TTCGrad brings up a good point about failed placements. I worry that if we use our "best names" and it doesn't work out, I will no longer feel OK about using them again.

come*on*baby

We're doing foster to adopt, and if the time comes, and we don't like the name, we will change it.

lilmufish

We have discussed this a little, we are foster to adopt -- we are leaning towards the side of either keeping the name, or if the child is old enough giving them the option to keep their name or change it.  I think it would have to be on a case by case basis... but, good question! I'll have to talk to DH about this to see his thoughts.

 

Ranita

We are doing IA and we will be changing the name...well...wait a minute, not necesarilly.  My DH is from Colombia and that is where we are adopting from.  The first names that we have chosen are very latino and it is possible that the child could in fact have one of our chosen names already in which case we would leave it.  Middle names for both boy and girl are family names so we will be changing those.  But then I like the idea of multiple middle names if they have significance.  A friend's little boy has his dad and grandpa's names as middle names and in cases like that I think it's cool.  You rarely ever use them all but it's a neat part of identity.  All of that to say, we are open to using our child's given name as a second middle name.  To us the meaning of names is HUGELY important and because we are adopting an infant who will likely be young enough to not be traumatised by a change, we want to chose the name that will be most used.  We also love the heritage and since they will be growing up in a very anglo environment, out house and family life will do a lot to maintain their (and DH's) cultural heritage....sorry for the rambling...love this question

crystalpopcorn

At this point, I am assuming we will IA an infant. ?We will likely change the first name, but we plan to incorporate the given name somehow. ?

Something like "American first name - given first name (as middle) - our last name"?

CaptainSerious

candm:

We are doing international, older child adoption and felt it would be improper to change our children's name. I know other parents who have done it with older children and I suppose it's their right, but to me it seems to almost rob that child of a portion of their previous life (which they very likely will remember pieces of). Our children's transition from Haiti to our house is going to be shocking enough. We also happen to think our children's names are beautiful and we want them to be proud of their Haitian heritage. They did not have middle names (at least that we were told of so we chose middle names for them).

Ditto this, unless our child's first name (or commonly used nickname) is somehow inappropriate in our culture.  In that case, we'll probable keep the name as a middle name and add a more "acceptable" first name.  [I'm not going off the deep end here with cultural judgment, but I've heard of children being called "Gordito" (which means "little fatty") as a term of endearment, and I just think that keeping that as a real name/nickname in the US would be begging for the kid to be beat up!]

Also, as Fred said, I've heard of children wanting to change their names.  If we determine that this isn't just a passing phase requested out of anger or loss, we would most likely allow our child to help us pick a new name.

And just a note of multiple middle names:  when I got married, I chose to add my maiden name as a second middle name, so my legal name is now first, original middle, maiden as part of middle, last.  I thought this was in ingenious solution to not wanting to loose any of my names and also wanting to share the same last name as my husband.  I never thought it would be a problem until I traveled.  Foreign countries just don't seem to understand I have two middle names as opposed to two last names (this is probably also compounded by the fact that I only have an amended passport rather than a newly issued one that indicates the distinction more clearly).  I've also found it cumbersome in certain legal paperwork...like the adoption.  No one seems to grasp the concept.  Even my homestudy doesn't accurately reflect my name throughout.  Luckily, Peru requires us to include an "affidavit of names," and as long as all the names we've used legally and/or for the adoption are represented on that affidavit, they'll accept the paperwork as accurate.  This is all my long winded way of saying that while having multiple middle names may sound like a good solution (and we may consider this option if we change our child's names as described above), you may want to be aware that it is likely to cause some unexpected confusion and hassle throughout your child's life.

LadyRed7

We are doing DA. Our hope is to adopt an infant, so we will name our DC. We honestly haven't given any thought to renaming if we get a toddler. (golly, so much to think about). We do have our favorite names picked out and have since TTC, but we'll see when we meet our DC if they "fit"!