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Teenage future step daughter?
My future step-daughter just turned 16. Her father and i will be married in June. Some history here, her mother is NOT a nice person, that however is NOT my issue, we have dated a little over a year and I have known the future step daughter for 8 monthes (she totally refused to meet me for 5 monthes I think). Her mom through her dad out and then when she decided to reconcile he was dating me. I instantly became the bad guy. Which is fine, they had been seperated for about 4 monthes I think (none of that is my bussiness). So here is my dilema I really like this girl when I get straight up *C* when I get her mother's version of her I want to scream. She is in the wedding said she wants to be, and she can be the sweetest kid on the planet, and then she can be the most hurtful, spiteful, rude person on the planet. HOw do I win her over so I can have *nice* or at least *nicer* *C* all the time. Surely someone here has been in her shoes so from HER perspective tell me waht I need to do and need NOT to do. NO flames please
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Re: Teenage future step daughter?
I remember when I told my dad that I never wanted to meet my now SM. He looked at me and replied 'well thats not a problem DD because she hasn't said she wants to meet you'. That put me in my place.
I can tell you one thing for sure - my father would not have accepted my being rude to her or anyone for that matter. Had I had a bad word to say I would have been called out on it immediately.
My father made it very clear to my brother and I that it was HIS choice to leave my mother and that it was HE who instigated the relationship. He let us know that it was what he wanted and what made him happy. Who can argue with that.
BTW - he also let her know what was acceptable in terms of his kids.
My advice - just be yourself and let your Fi deal with her. Also if he is so fresh out of a marriage why are you rushing into one with him?
I agree with the above posting that your husband should not allow your SD to be disrespectful. You will have to have some ground rules when she is at your house, and while you are a part of the discipline process, it should mostly be done by your husband. All you can do is keep reaching out and try to do stuff with her, take her to lunch, that sort of thing, basically show an interest in really getting to know her.
Keep in mind, she is a teenager, so even if you were her birth mother, there are still going to be times when she is as nice as can be and other times when not so much. Good luck!
You can't. I've been the SD to a fantastic SM and a psycho BM. Luckily for my dad and SM I knew it. However, your F-SD may not understand everything that is going on. And I can't expect that she'd be very happy about her dad remarrying to soon either. So you also need to be respectful of her space and her 'grieving' process over her parent's marriage.
Your FI also needs to be the one to lay the ground rules and expectations for both of you. He should not allow any disrespectful actions from his daughter towards he or you, just as I'd expect he wouldn't allow it towards any adult.
You just follow these type of guidelines and give it lots of time. Just as in 'regular' families blended families will likely never be 100% peachy keen. It is what it is and everyone works towards improving constantly.
I have a stepmom whom I tolerate at best. She is civil to me but I have little more than 0 respect for her. I was 18 when my dad got remarried and he handled the entire situation horribly. At the time my parents divorced (I was 17) they had been separated for 6 years and it was a long and nasty divorce. I do have to say my relationship with my father was strained to begin with but the events over the following year made the situation go from bad to worse.
A week before my HS graduation my parents divorce was final. My father had never talked about dating anyone but after overhearing an answering machine message (at his home- the call was being left, I didn't listen to it already recorded) from a woman, I figured he was seeing someone (after all I wasn't stupid). Still my father chose not to tell me about his relationship with this woman and I didn't let him know that I knew any differently. In feb (my freshman year of college) they got married...I of course wasn't there because not only did I not know about the wedding, I didn't know about the relationship. It wasn't until Oct that he invited me to lunch in a VERY public restaurant and told me he got married. I laughed at first thinking he was joking but found out quickly he wasn't. I walked out of the restaurant got in my car and drove back to school without speaking to him (I was REAL pissed!). My grandmother and aunt proceeded to call me and try to calm me down but the damage was already done.
I lost a TON of respect for him because apparently I wasn't important enough in his life to tell me something that would have a huge impact on me or include me. And I had virtually no respect off the bat for my now SM for allowing him to act so cowardly and go on with their happy little family like I didn't exist.
My advice is to be as honest as you can - transparent if you will with her. Whatever her relationship is with her mother there are a lot of emotions. Include her, try having girls day out and get to know her. You aren't "raising" her, she is basically already raised but you can be a friend. Maybe once a month you invite her out for a mani/pedi and talk to her about what is going on in her life (aside from with her mom/dad). You have a great opportunity to build a good relationship but if she chooses not to participate all you can really do is keep trying. Remember this is a tough age. GL
I may or may not be the best person to give advice, but I met my SD when she was 16. Her mom is not so nice either. Nice to me, but I don't trust her because she's been horrible to DH in the past - put him thru the ringer with SD and is the reason why SD is who she is today - which is basically a really messed up young adult.
But on the subject of your FSD. Although I agree that your fi has to set the stage and let it be known that he will not tolerate disrespect, I also believe that you don't necessarily need him to do that. Just don't tolerate it.
Speaking from experience and looking back on the last three years and what worked and what doesn't...I suggest you learn to keep your cool with this child. Always be the adult. When she pitches a fit, calls you a name, speaks rudely or does something disrespectful - be very calm and say, "Your behavior is unacceptable. The consequences for this are..." and you let her know that you will not tolerate it and what you are doing or not doing as a result of her actions. You have to be consistent. You have to be firm and clear, and you have to keep it together. I lost it a few times with SD. And I mean completely lost it. I regret it to this day because it's exactly what she wanted. To get to me.
Be kind to her. Respect her regardless of her behavior. Never sink to her level. Be an adult. Teach her how to act and be the person you want her to be. In the long run she will respect you for it.
One more thing. She doesn't have to like you. Don't try to be a close buddy unless it's something that is genuine and comes natural. Don't let it get to you if you two just aren't meant to be super close. Just figure out how to just allow the other to be who they are and accept the relationship for what it is. And if that's being simply cordial or it develops into a close bond...then so be it.
Good luck. I wish you the best.