Poll: Do you have to be married to have children? WDYT

chrissyellen

How many looks have you gotten towards your ring finger after talking to a stranger about your pregnancy? I feel like 90% of the people (at the clinic, at the store, over the damn phone!) Asks - "was this expected?" and/or "is your husband excited?"

I know we all have our opinions and beliefs on here... But What do you think; should one be married before you have kids?

<<<FUN FACT: 42% of all births in 2008 were to unmarried women.>>>

MrsBeckO

Trying to stir up another contraversial post?

To us it was important to be married, DH is from a religious family and wanted to follow their protocol, if you will. But it wouldn't have been the end of the world if we had conceived out of wed-lock.

I don't think being married makes any difference in the long run - either they'll both be loving, committed parents or they won't - a marriage certificate won't change that. ?

christin3580

I think its more "socially acceptable" in my family and circle of friends... church goers

now modern times , people around our age mid to late 20's I think although htey may want to be married first sometimes its just not in gods plan

HeyyRed

I didn't need marriage to validate my relationship with my now DH. We did however, get married because my mom had requested that we not have children out of wedlock. It was THAT important to her so we obliged. Our wedding didn't make a difference to our relationship whatsoever and the dust on the tv screen was the same the day after we married as it was the day before...

zeesbride

Not necessarily. I do not appreciate people making judgments on the things that I do and I try not to judge other people's decisions / lifestyles.

HazelLOVE

Well I am getting married in April so obviously I may be biased since we got pregnant before the actual wedding but I feel that as long as you are in a healthy, loving, and commited relationship then bringing a baby into the world together is a blessing.

gumiberg

I dont like to make such generalizations.  There are couples that choose not to marry and they make wonderful parents.  Then there are couples that marry too early (perhaps to have kids) and make less than wonderful parents.

I personally chose to marrry first simply because I wanted to experience marriage without kids first.

j9lovey

I forget to wear my ring a lot.  I definately get "the look" when I have my DD in the stroller and my bump haning out!  I just smile.  I haven't gotten any comments....yet! 

I can't speak for other people...but I personally would not be comfortable having a baby if I was not married. I don't look down upon others that choose to...it's just not for me.

I LUBBINS YOU!

I don't think a woman HAS to be married to have a baby, nor do I think a woman should marry just because she is pregnant.  I do not look down upon women who aren't married and are pregnant.  It's their life.

rebus82

I think as long as the parents are committed to raising the child in a healthy environment, I don't really care if they're married or not. Ideally the parents would at least be in a committed, long-term relationship, but it's certainly not required.?

For the longest time DH and I weren't ever planning to get married. We actually only did because I needed the insurance. We were together for 6.5 years before making it legal, and we would have happily had a child out of wedlock. ?

Mrs. Nerychel

I personally wanted to be married and am, but 2 out of 3 of my sisters had babies while unmarried, so it's not like I judge them or anything. It's none of my business what other people do.

chrissyellen

This is a tough question. Personally I would never have children unless I was married. However I know everyone is different and a lot of people don?t need a state issued piece of paper in order to have children with the one they love. If you are in a committed long term relationship and have your ducks in a row (finances, morals, etc) I would never tell someone they shouldn?t have children.

bridgetbeard

God no! To me marriage was just a legal piece of paper, and a tax break lol. Anyone that says that you do is full of crap.

mavilabride

Sperm doesn't know you aren't married so yes you can have a baby without being married

Should you be married? I suppose.  But it isn't the end of the world if you aren't.

It at least hasn't been the end of the world for me

Soon2BMrsN

I LUBBINS YOU!:

I don't think a woman HAS to be married to have a baby, nor do I think a woman should marry just because she is pregnant.  I do not look down upon women who aren't married and are pregnant.  It's their life.

Same.

aniceucchik

I get lots of looks because I look really young...so does DH...he looks about 19...people look at us like we are a teen couple that is expecting...it bothers me...

sunshinegirl75

We're not married. Our relationship is fantastic and I don't feel a rush to the altar. However, we were did have our wedding date set for 9/6. I am due on 9/1 so we have put those plans on hold. We made the decision together to wait. At this point, the wedding is really isn't what it is all about. We are committed to each other and love each other. That won't change with rings or a piece of paper.??

chrissyellen

MrsBeckO:

Trying to stir up another contraversial post?

To us it was important to be married, DH is from a religious family and wanted to follow their protocol, if you will. But it wouldn't have been the end of the world if we had conceived out of wed-lock.

I don't think being married makes any difference in the long run - either they'll both be loving, committed parents or they won't - a marriage certificate won't change that.  

LOL. Not quite. Just thinking about this particular topic, discussing with with some people and thought to ask you ladies too. It's only contraversial if you make it that way

mfransdell

I wont get into this but i will say that i took off my ring last night because I ate too much salt and the swelling was killing me. I'm not sure if anyone has even noticed.

christin3580

chrissyellen:

MrsBeckO:

Trying to stir up another contraversial post?

To us it was important to be married, DH is from a religious family and wanted to follow their protocol, if you will. But it wouldn't have been the end of the world if we had conceived out of wed-lock.

I don't think being married makes any difference in the long run - either they'll both be loving, committed parents or they won't - a marriage certificate won't change that.  

I agree it seems like girlfriends just talking to me.....

LOL. Not quite. Just thinking about this particular topic, discussing with with some people and thought to ask you ladies too. It's only contraversial if you make it that way

chrissyellen

mfransdell:

I wont get into this but i will say that i took off my ring last night because I ate too much salt and the swelling was killing me. I'm not sure if anyone has even noticed.

mfransdell- I just took my ring off about 10 minutes ago! I havnt been able to take it off for about two years ( I know) Leeeet's just say it's become a few sizes too small. But i am thrilled I just got it off. Now I can get those damn thing resized and satered (how do you spell that) together. Just thought I would share that with you too

returnhomegnome

My, you are asking the incindiary questions aren't you!?!? 

Ok, this is just me thinking out loud, but since I feel like in America it used to be the norm to get married first, and then have kids, we've all been a bit "programed" to think like that.  Cultural conditioning, right?  (whether or not we agree with it).

So I guess, I would wonder why parents were not married, only for that reason: because I've been taught that marriage and kids go together.

Now if I knew the parents well enough to chat with them about it, and found out they thought marriage was religous and unnecessary, or some other valid reason, I wouldn't think another thing about it. Heck, I don't care if I think the reason is valid or not, as long as both of them agree on it.  Their relationship, their commitment. Not mine. Different things for different people.

But I confess, if they had discussed marriage, and it was as simple as one person in the couple being "gun shy" for no explainable reason, then I might encourage them to wait to have kids. I feel like having kids together is an even BIGGER commitment than choosing to spend your life with someone (married or not).

It's just my personal opinion, but I would be a bit "enh" if one of my friends significant others' had said "I'll have kids with you, but I won't marry you" (unless it was a mutual dislike of marriage).

margeincharge2

I guess I have different standards for me and others. But for me, I wouldn't want to be unmarried and pregnant. I think in general I still have a conservative stance towards marriage and babies (or at least a committed relationship and babies).

I remember someone asking me if my brother, who is 40 is going to have more kids. And I said something like, "well, first he'd have to get remarried." I didn't think that the person I was talking to had a niece who was born out of wedlock. I didn't mean to imply anything but I did stick my foot in my mouth there.

Obviously, people can do whatever they want. I think the more important issue for me is that the person or persons are in a position where they can care for the child financially and emotionally than just whether or not they are married. I'm also thinking of gay and lesbian couples who can't be legally married. I have no problem with them having kids but I also think they should be able to marry.

heidismith

Nope I do not think that you have to be married to have children. As long as you are good parents who cares!!

chrissyellen

returnhomegnome:

My, you are asking the incindiary questions aren't you!?!? 

Ok, this is just me thinking out loud, but since I feel like in America it used to be the norm to get married first, and then have kids, we've all been a bit "programed" to think like that.  Cultural conditioning, right?  (whether or not we agree with it).

So I guess, I would wonder why parents were not married, only for that reason: because I've been taught that marriage and kids go together.

Now if I knew the parents well enough to chat with them about it, and found out they thought marriage was religous and unnecessary, or some other valid reason, I wouldn't think another thing about it. Heck, I don't care if I think the reason is valid or not, as long as both of them agree on it.  Their relationship, their commitment. Not mine. Different things for different people.

But I confess, if they had discussed marriage, and it was as simple as one person in the couple being "gun shy" for no explainable reason, then I might encourage them to wait to have kids. I feel like having kids together is an even BIGGER commitment than choosing to spend your life with someone (married or not).

It's just my personal opinion, but I would be a bit "enh" if one of my friends significant others' had said "I'll have kids with you, but I won't marry you" (unless it was a mutual dislike of marriage).

Maybe you didnt catch the PP; Nooooo Just chatting it up with some fellow bumpies about a conversation I recently had with some folks. "doesnt have to be flame-starting if you dont make it that way"

ttmccoot

I have always thought that no one should get married solely because of a pregnancy or stay in a miserable situation just because there are children involved. 

Something that hasn't really been addressed here is single motherhood.... that's another thing entirely.

 

FutureHardings

My FI and I got pregnant on accident. I was taking BCP and low and behold, I got a BFP. 

I never wanted to be pregnant without being married first, but I did not want to abort when I found out I was pregnant. So, we are just waiting until after our baby is born to have our wedding...

...look down upon me if you must, but would you have rather me had an abortion?

chrissyellen

ttmccoot:

I have always thought that no one should get married solely because of a pregnancy or stay in a miserable situation just because there are children involved. 

Something that hasn't really been addressed here is single motherhood.... that's another thing entirely.

 

Ooo O. Dr. Phil quote time; "Children would rather be FROM a broken home. Not LIVE in one!"  I agree 100%!

eokorie

I had a son four years ago and his father and I had discussed marriage but had not done it yet. In August we decided to be married in January. I found out in December that I was pregnant. We still got married in January and everything feels the same. My mother kept telling me to hurry up and get married, but I told her that if he was gonna leave or be a deadbeat he'd do it whether we were married or not. 

I also agree that having kids together is harder than being married. It is the ultimate committment.

MattysGirl81

In my opinion, it is important to be married before having children.  I've never understood the people who won't get married because "it's too much of a commitment," or some other reason, yet will have children together.  Don't they think that children are a commitment??  An even bigger one than marriage IMO.  I think it's important to bring a child into a stable environment, which to me is a happy marriage.

festivalhippie

I am not married. ?I don't think that a piece of paper makes anyone more qualified to be a parent than one who doesn't. ?A couple does not have to be married for a child to have a mother and a father. ?My boyfriend and I have lived together for a while and we will continue to live together after Kayden arrives... ?we might get married eventually; probably before Kayden goes to school. ?I'm sure there will be children raised by less understanding parents and I wouldn't want him to have to explain why Mommy and Daddy have different last names. ?

erino&chrish

No-to each his/her own!

GypsyEsq

No.  But often marriage is considered by the public at large as a proxy for financial readiness and emotional maturity, not that that is always true.

chrissyellen

FutureHardings:

My FI and I got pregnant on accident. I was taking BCP and low and behold, I got a BFP. 

I never wanted to be pregnant without being married first, but I did not want to abort when I found out I was pregnant. So, we are just waiting until after our baby is born to have our wedding...

...look down upon me if you must, but would you have rather me had an abortion?

Dont speak of the 'A' word!!  Good for you. I really admire women like you. Good Luck with everything

Mrs.DeliaMarieP

I think that if you are financially stable enough to handle a child, and that is what you want, then I think that is the decision of that parent (single, married, together, not together, heterosexual or homosexual alike).  If you can provide the means necessary to raise a child in a happy and healthy environment, then more power to you/them.

For us, we've been together 10 years.  This has been part of the progression of our relationship over the years.  High School, College, Marriage, Baby.  The very stereotypical "norm."

margeincharge2

I do want to add one thing that may be flame-worthy. I wholeheartedly disagree with the people who are saying marriage is just a piece of paper. If it was just a piece of paper, gays and lesbian couples would not be fighting so hard to have that right. There are a lot of legal rights that come with marriage that make it more than some meaningless piece of paper.

 

Pesky

No.  There are plenty of great single parents out there.  But personally, I had no desire to try and be one and wouldn't consider having kids (at least on purpose) until I was married.

festivalhippie

margeincharge2:

I do want to add one thing that may be flame-worthy. I wholeheartedly disagree with the people who are saying marriage is just a piece of paper. If it was just a piece of paper, gays and lesbian couples?would not be fighting so hard to have that right. There are a lot of legal rights that come with marriage that make it more than some meaningless piece of paper.

?

I completely agree with that statement. ?

My point is: ?Just because you have that piece of paper and legal rights that come along with it doesn't make you more qualified that I am to raise a child. ?Marriage doesn't make you a good parent.?

jason&robin

I get looks. I look pretty young for my age. It has really gotten bad now that I carry around a toddler and have a bump.

NewLerma

broussm:

margeincharge2:

I do want to add one thing that may be flame-worthy. I wholeheartedly disagree with the people who are saying marriage is just a piece of paper. If it was just a piece of paper, gays and lesbian couples would not be fighting so hard to have that right. There are a lot of legal rights that come with marriage that make it more than some meaningless piece of paper.

 

I completely agree with that statement.  

My point is:  Just because you have that piece of paper and legal rights that come along with it doesn't make you more qualified that I am to raise a child.  Marriage doesn't make you a good parent. 

Maybe we're looking at it from a different view point, but that's the exact reason why they should be able to wed legally, because it's just a piece of paper anymore. The main reason I've heard against gay marriage is religious reasons, but to me marriage isn't about god anymore. Otherwise we wouldn't be able to just go to a justice of the peace and get married.  JMO *shrug*

*KC*luvs*RJ*

Personally, it was very important to be married before having children.  DH feels the same way.  However, the world is so different now, and I don't see anything with having a child out of marriage but within a committed relationship.  Just because you're not married doesn't mean the love isn't there.  :-)