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Why do you get so upset if you cant deliver naturally?
Hello,
Im not flaming anyone, Im just naturally curious why it is so devastating to not deliver naturally if you and baby end up being fine.
I delivered my first vaginally. It was an awful experience with him being 10lbs 3oz and ruined me compltely so that I had to have reconstructive surgery. I had a C-section with my second and despite the wound it was a piece of cake compared to what i went through the first time (couldnt walk, no bladder control for two months, etc)
I am happily awaiting my third and second c-section. I probably should have had a c-section with the first.
I guess Im just wondering why so many moms are so devastated when they cant vaginally deliver, especially if all turns out in the end
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Why do you get so upset if you cant deliver naturally?
First, let me say that I am sorry that you had such a hard time with your first delivery. Having reconstructive surgery of that nature after a vaginal birth is pretty rare and it is unfortunate that you had to experience that.
Secondly, I think it all depends on what your mindset and expectations are. I am having my first baby in July and I'm planning a home water birth. My mom is a midwife and delivered myself and my 4 brothers (who weighed 10lbs, 11lbs, 9lbs and 10lbs, respectively) all at home naturally. I've witnesses my mother's births as well as vaginal births of other women, which is more than a lot of first time moms have experience with. I can tell you if I end up having to transport and god forbid, have a c-section, I will be pretty devestated. Yes, the health and safety of my baby come first, absolutely. But birth is an amazing physiological experience and I don't personally believe that the medicalization of birth in this country is the right way to be delivering babies. And waking up everyday to that surgical scar would be a constant reminder of that. So, for a lot of moms, it isn't just about the end game, it's the journey of how you got there. And when that path leads somewhere other than where you envisioned, I think it is only natural to feel disappointment.
Thanks for your response. I guess I just dont understand the view. I enjoy my children with every ounce of my being and looked so forward to having them, I cherish every moment I have with them and love being a mom, I just dont care how they got here.
I dont mind medicalization of the birthing process and am for it rather than against it. I hope everything goes smoothly for you. The birthing process for me and a lot of other women I know, even if they have normal births, has never been an amazing psychological experience until you actually see the baby.
You know, it's just one of those things that hits everyone in a different way. I actually didn't think I'd care whether I had a vaginal birth or a c-section, but I ended up being pretty upset about the c-section for awhile after DS was born, and I'm hoping for a VBAC with #2.
In my case I just really want that experience, to be able to say I went through what so many other women have gone through throughout all of history. I will say that while I'm not quite "for" the medicalization of birth, I do lean a little more your way in that department, especially considering that both DS and I would have been in serious trouble without a whole lot of medicine. I totally understand those that are looking for a more natural experience though.
While I can see how you don't quite "get it" because it's a totally different opinion than the one you hold, I will say that this post strikes me as a little bit insensitive (even if you didn't mean it that way). We all have certain areas where we feel strongly about an issue, even if it isn't necessarily the most logical or rational emotion. I'm sure if you thought about it you could come up with some opinion you hold that might seem a little strange to others
I don't understand devastation, either. I understand disappointment, but I think we all need to remember that sometimes life doesn't go as planned and to work with the hand you're dealt.
I wanted an all-natural birth. I laboured with my son completely naturally, and even turned down offers of inductions because I believed in my body's natural ability to birth my son when he was ready to be born (and, I feel I was right to do so because even though he was almost two weeks overdue, he was only 7 pounds. He needed the extra time in there, I think). However, I pushed for three long and agonizing hours and it became clear to me and to everyone else that he just wasn't finding his way out. I tried a few different pushing positions, they tried to turn him into a better position (he was posterior with brow presentation), but it didn't work and he wouldn't budge so much as an inch so they recommended a c-section. I agreed, and with no regrets. That's just life sometimes. I hope to deliver naturally next time but if that doesn't happen, I'll be okay with that.
This sums it up. Pregnancy is a journey not the means to an end. Each woman is different in how they want to experience this journey.
Thanks. I dont see how my post was insensitive. Never once did I utter a criticism. Im just curious to see what people have to say so that I can try to understand it. Where is the insensitivity?
There was no judgement here. I just wanted to see how people feel about this. I hear often that people are very upset over not delivering naturally, but i didnt hear very often the major reason why
Hi:
I dont think you were being insensitive but I am one of those people you are talking about and I also think a lot of people just dont "get" it. I wanted a natural birth I guess. I didnt do a lot of planning but I assumed that my body could get it done. In the end I had a breech baby at 41 weeks, external version and then an induction which went nowhere ending in a C section. I think the pervious poster is totally right. I had no contractions, no pushing no labor really. It felt like a complete non event. One minute i was pregnant the next i wasnt and oh here is this random baby to hold. I felt like she wasnt mine and our whole bonding process was really disrupted. Also this was a process to me not just a means to an end. I feel like i was cheated out of a major part of that process. Right now i have more in common with my husband who had hernia sugery then i do with you who delivered a child vaginally and that bothers me... a lot. I wanted to be able to birth my daughter and hold her and clean her off etc.. None of that happened. I consider myself a pretty even headed person but this experience messed me up badly and ended up sending me to therapy, medications etc. to the point where i now never want to have anymore children b/c it seems to be the only way to avoid this ever happenning again. If i do ever have another one it will be at home with a midwife. Sorry this is so long but as much as you cant understand why someone would be so devastated I have a hard time understanding your feelings. But i have never lived your experiences so i dont know. Thanks for asking this question though!
Wow. Im really sorry you had such a hard time dealing with your experience, and I think what you said is right. Since we all have different experiences they shape our perception. I had a natural birth with my first, which went pretty ok, but it was afterwards that I had so many problems. THAT interfered with my experience more than the birth itself. He had to stay in the hospital for a week while my idiot doctor at the time sent me home to suffer (He didnt realize how bad I was until my husband tore him a new one and he sent a visiting nurse out to see me)
Once my son came home and I was better the real joy set in about parenting. Because I had such an experience, my c-section with my second was cake and I felt sooo much better.
Because I have enjoued being a parent twice and now am expecting a third, I have come to cherish mothering and parenting more than the process of getting them there. I know there is so much to look forward to and that the process (for me) is only a small part of the journey.
No, I would never consider someone who wanted natural childbirth to be "Whacky nuts" at all, nor do I think any decision to VBAC or whatever is selfish or anything like that. I dont like when anyone gets superior or critical towards anyone for any thing without knowing their circumstances. I have never been criticized for having C-sections or preferring them and I hope I never do because my situation has put me in that position. Its not like Im sitting around saying "i dont feel like pushing this kid out, cut me open" I am forced to have c-sections and I am fine with it because I know that is what will work for me. And I know how much I will enjoy my baby.
I hear what you are saying. Nobody should be criticized (same goes for breastfeeding vs formula, working moms vs stay at home moms) because everyone has a different situation . But unfortunately, there are a lot of self riteous people out there who will judge. I experienced it with my first. Because of all of the medical issues with me I couldnt breastfeed. My friends mother made some judgemental statements. I also did not have much luck with my second. THAT really upset me and I did feel like a failure for that. I am determined to make it work this time and am praying that that goes ok, so I guess I can relate childbrith to this and understand after all
Cool.
I'm so sorry you had that experience with BF, mine didnt work out too well either so I hear you. Good luck with your third. I hope your birth goes smoothly and good luck with the BF! You can do it!
Kristin
See, I disagree with that. My birth was the worst possible outcome for me (or, more accurately, the worst possible outcome with everyone still alive and well. Obviously the death or injury of one or both of us would have been worse).
When I was pregnant, a friend gave my husband and I all the gory details of her emergency c-section. I shuddered to think that that could be me- to go through the whole labour for nothing seemed horrible. I remember telling my husband that I would be okay if I had to have a c-section- but I wanted to know in advance. I didn't want to go through all that for nothing and end up on the surgery table after all that failed effort.
I wanted a natural birth because I believed it was best for myself and for my son. I avoided pain relief drugs not because I wanted to experience pain- I did so because I thought it was healthiest. To go through all that and then end up forced to take an epidural anyway as I was prepping for surgery was disheartening. If I had known I'd end up there I would have opted for the drugs earlier. I wouldn't have had to go through hours of excrutiating pain with my son stuck in my pelvis. I wouldn't have had to lie on the bed shrieking while they tried to turn my son into a better position, by shoving their arms in me what felt like up to their elbows. To do that for nothing felt like such a waste to me- it was everything I was hoping to avoid. If I had known I was going to get a c-section I could have scheduled one in advance, slept in that day, showed up to the hospital sipping a caffeine-free latte and calmly waited to meet my son. Instead I was exhausted and worn out and could not even stay awake long enough to properly meet him (I was literally falling asleep both during and immediately after the surgery). I much would have preferred to know in advance.
But I guess everyone is different, with different expectations of what they hope to get out of the birth. For me, labour and birth wasn't the main event, it was what I was doing to get the baby.
I was/am upset because I didn't feel that my c/s recovery was particularly easy and I felt a real disconnect from the entire birthing experience.
Child birth, to me, isn't just a way to get your baby into the world. It involves much more than that for me, personally. I didn't feel like I had given birth to my daughter at all. I felt like I drove up to the hospital and someone handed me a random baby. DD was breech and out of fluid so I never had a chance to labor, feel a contraction, etc. I hear these beautiful birth stories and then mine goes something like, "Well, I checked into the OR, got a spinal, and they yanked DD out." It was hard on me physically, yes, but harder on me emotionally. Of course I am thankful every day for the fact that DD was born relatively healthy but I also continually feel as if I've missed out on something. Its hard for me to put into words. Its hard to deal with.
I totally understand and respect that this isn't the way many women feel re: c/s's or their individual birth experience, but that's the way it is for me.
Personally, I am a go witht he flow kind of person. The end result (healthy mama, healthy baby) is what matters to me in this instance. And getting that result the fastest and most painless way possible
I can totally understand how you can be upset/disappointed by things not going the way you had hoped. But childbirth is just SO unpredictable. I couldn't imagine going in expecting things to turn out a certain way. Thats just setting yourself up for disappointment. IMHO.
But again, to each their own. I certainly admire the women that try and do it naturally.
I haven't given birth yet but am planning it with a midwife at a birth center. If I had to get medical intervention such as medication or c-section I would be extremely disappointed. I understand the need for these things but I really hope to avoid them.
To me I don't just care about the end result, I want to experience every moment, every breath, every pain (yes, even that) on the "journey" to becoming a mother. I know that sounds cheesy, lol, but I do. Yes, I want a healthy baby and I want to be healthy too and that is part of why I have such strong beliefs regarding a natural birth because I really believe unless there are serious complications, it is much better for mom and baby. But that is my opinion and everyone will differ. If the need arises for a c-section I will be devestated but am preparing myself just in case. I know things don't always work out how you plan, especially with birth.
I just hope to have a beautiful, natural birth experience and to feel empowered and exhilerated afterward, (no matter how many blood vessels in my face are broken lol). I am not saying that can't happen with a medical birth but for me personally, I doubt I will feel that way in that situation.
Loss #6 2014 Loss #7 (chemical) 2014
~DS Born! 2009~
~DD Born! 2013~
It totally depends on your mindset/expectations.
After several losses, I would have done anything for a crying baby. I got that, and so to me, that was success.
This time, I can't schedule an elective C/S, because I just can't do it for no reason. But if there is a reason, no big deal.
There are things I missed, like bfing immediately and holding my baby immediately, but the nurses were sensitive to that and I Bfed as soon as I was out of recovery. and dh got some great time with Ds.
I am 32 weeks and just found out that I still have low lying placenta (placenta previa) and I won't be able to give birth vaginally. I was talking about this with my husband and he was asking the same question.
It sounds odd, but it is upsetting to know that you will not be able to go through the experience of giving birth to your child (awful as it may be). Yes, a c-section can be easier and less demanding on your body, but when you carry your child for 9 months, again I know this sounds odd, I want to be able to bring her into the world. The other thing that is upsetting to me is that this is my first pregnancy, and having a c-section now can change the game for any future pregnancies. I may NEVER be able to experience childbirth because of having this c-section.
In the end, I think everyone is happy to have a healthy baby by whatever means necessary. But it is a hope for some of us to go through the birthing process, and a let down when we can't. I guess it is different for every woman.
Ok, really this is a little dramatic. Comparing to a completely ruined wedding??? Be happy you had a baby on your own, there are tons of women that would kill to be in your shoes and you're going on and on about things not going your way?!!! Unbelieveable
Wow. I had a c section. It was scheduled so I had time to prepare...DS was breech and I had very low fluid.
In a perfect world would I have liked to have a regular vaginal birth? Yes
Is life perfect? No
I don't feel any disappointment. If that was the way my DS had to come out, that's the way he had to come out.
It is all about how you look at it. I can understand that someone might feel disappointment, but I personally didn't feel that way. Eh. To each their own.
Also, I wake up every morning, look at my c sec scar and think about how awesome I am for making my DS! : )
Actually, I would have far rather had a ruined wedding than a c/s. A ruined wedding doesn't involve surgery and related potential risks. Until you've been in that situation you can't really say how it would be for you both physically and emotionally. Every situation is different for everyone.
I think it's kind of hilarious that you're insinuating a ruined wedding would be worse than a major surgery, possibly totally unexpected, that can have serious complications - not to mention ramifications for every subsequent pregnancy.
Did I say hilarious? I meant sad.
Someone tries to explain some complicated emotions about one of the most emotional events in their life, and you're going on and on about how you think they should be reacting? Unbelievable.
If you read my birth story below, you may see why. I didn't want to be induced unless I was overdue but wound up getting misdiagnosed with low fluid a few days before my EDD and induced anyway. DD must have been clinging to the inside of my uterus for dear life, as she descended and I dilated/effaced slowly, until finally, after 15 1/2 hours of pitocin, she went into distress and I had a C/S.
The fact that I was misdiagnosed and never should have been induced makes me think I wasn't even give a fair shot at a vaginal delivery, if that makes sense. I feel very cheated, as it stands now.
Sarah - 12/23/2008
Alex - 9/30/2011
"I say embrace the total geek in yourself and just enjoy it. Life is too short to be cool." - Shirley Manson, Garbage