Confessional Thursday

kirstenw05

I was thinking of proposing a CONFESSIONAL day in the shower this am and see it has already begun. It seems HTT isnt as "HOT" this week, and I think we (at least me) sometimes need to vent a bit of things that I feel guilty about feeling in this process.

I need to confess that while cruising around the 6-12 mo or 12-24 mo boards here (since DD will be a year old next month!), I get irritated by the women who get pg with their second or third baby so freakin easily. I know I got DD quickly and without even knowing what we wanted to do with IF before she was in our home, but I still get jealous. DH and I only have 9 mo. now before bio baby is out of the question. I have had to jump thru hoops just to get into a dr (Kaiser makes you start at GP, have basic tests, wait for results, have discussions, etc. before they will send you to a fertility specialist).

I know many of you ladies are still waiting and have had placements fall through - I do not pretend to know what that's like. I just feel the need to admit my frustration and jealousy about all those women out there that TAKE FOR GRANTED the gift of fertility...like its no big deal. All those young wombs and fresh eggs and...oy veh. Age is a ***.

CaptainSerious

I would like to confess that I, too, was on the 12-24 mo. board today (to see if anyone replied to my post asking adoptive parents to answer our poll), and came across a post that made me see red.

I really would love to send us all over there or link to it, but as I said yesterday, the last thing I want to do is invite drama to this board.  The post already has 90 replies, and I didn't read through them all because it turned my stomach.

noonecarewhoiam

When I was waiting for my referral for my older son, I used to get SO frustrated by the moms of 3+ kids who were whining about waiting for their referrals. I didn't even have 1 baby after YEARS of waiting, and they were being greedy with 4 and 5 kids!

kirstenw05

noone - that's why sometimes I feel bad complaining here at all - I know I already have a baby...most of it for me is that I really haven't walked through the IF diagnosis, never mind the mourning. I am trying really hard not to be selfish but have to do everything backwards.

 Captain - so much on the boards discussed I chalk up to youth. There are soooo many young 20s moms that just need a bit of aging, like wine. They just really don't know any better. But yes, when I get angry from stuff I see out there, I just breathe deep and step away from the computer

CaptainSerious

I don't think it's selfish to have as many children as you want and can provide for.  I also don't think having one child already invalidates the hardships of the process and wait.  The frustration comes from being depending on others for every aspect of building your family including timing, and I believe it's as difficult with the fifth child around as it is the first.

silliestbunny

My gripe of the day is women, especially single women without children, making comments about fertility.

Recently, I was at a brunch with a group of women whom I met in college.  One woman, who happens to be w/o children and single, said two things that made my skin crawl.

She first was telling me how her sister-in-law is pregnant again...and she just can't believe it.  Three kids.  She makes a comment about how her brother just leaves his clothes on the bed, and SIL gets pregnant.  I said, "wow, they should consider themselves lucky to be so fertile".  She replied saying they were happy but she couldn't stand the idea of another child. 
WOW...that's all I could say.

 Next, when we were sitting on a group, she proceeded to tell us how the mother of the octuplets must have used a turkey baster to get pregnant.  Aside from being crude, we all knew that two of the women in our group had used IVF to get pregnant with their twins, and one of our friends is pregnant after years of trying.

So my gripe-  being insensitive to fertility issues, being crude, not be aware of the company you keep.  Argh!

noonecarewhoiam

I fully acknowledge the difference between knowing something intellectually and feeling something. But this is a confessions post, and that is mine. It's very, very hard to watch friends get pregnant--not once, but twice!--when you're still waiting. It's hard to watch your path to parenthood change. And it's hard to empathize with people building huge families--in some cases second families after grown children leave home--when you haven't had a chance to start building your first.

so1966

noonecarewhoiam:

I fully acknowledge the difference between knowing something intellectually and feeling something. But this is a confessions post, and that is mine. It's very, very hard to watch friends get pregnant--not once, but twice!--when you're still waiting. It's hard to watch your path to parenthood change. And it's hard to empathize with people building huge families--in some cases second families after grown children leave home--when you haven't had a chance to start building your first.

 

i totally feel the same way!....well said.

CaptainSerious

noonecarewhoiam:

I fully acknowledge the difference between knowing something intellectually and feeling something. But this is a confessions post, and that is mine. It's very, very hard to watch friends get pregnant--not once, but twice!--when you're still waiting. It's hard to watch your path to parenthood change. And it's hard to empathize with people building huge families--in some cases second families after grown children leave home--when you haven't had a chance to start building your first.

Oh, noone, I completely agree with you that we can't help how we feel!  I'm sorry if my post came off as invalidating your feelings.  That was not my intent!  Just last night I said the same thing to someone else here:  never feel guilty for how you feel; we can't controll our emotions, only how we react to them.

My post was realy just a train of thought.  I responded the way I would to a friend in real life...off the cuff and by pointing out another view for the sake of coversation.  I never intended to attack you, and certainly not for a confession.  It was just my train of thought.

LadyRed7

so1966:

noonecarewhoiam:

I fully acknowledge the difference between knowing something intellectually and feeling something. But this is a confessions post, and that is mine. It's very, very hard to watch friends get pregnant--not once, but twice!--when you're still waiting. It's hard to watch your path to parenthood change. And it's hard to empathize with people building huge families--in some cases second families after grown children leave home--when you haven't had a chance to start building your first.

 

i totally feel the same way!....well said.

You took the words out of my mouth.. very well said. 

noonecarewhoiam

No worries, Captain S! I just wanted to re-inforce that I was well aware that my feelings were irrational.

I still don't understand people who adopt these huge families. I mean, good on them, ya know, but I look forward to raising my children, watching them spread their wings and eventually leaving the nest! Maybe it's because I wasn't a woman who dreamed of motherhood from infancy, but I admit that I just don't get it.

Sometimes I think it's more about the mom than about the kids (and I say mom because research shows that most adoptions are driven by the woman). A need to be needed. It usually ends up being good for the kids, but I don't understand that pull.