Do you feel closer to one of your children?

MarchMom06

I have lots of guilt - the kind only a mother can have. Background: Sam barely got an opportunity to be our "baby", because I got pregnant with Nick when Sam was 4.5 months old. So I was tired & pregnant for most of his first year. Then I had a newborn at home. I have a ton of guilt that Sam got deprived of his infancy & that special time of being our only baby.

To make things more complicated, Nick is a totally different child than Sam. Nick's EXTREMELY social, wants attention every second of the day & constantly clamors to have DH & I near him. Sam, on the other hand, is very independent & plays well on his own. He always has, although I'm sure age is playing a part at this point.

The complete picture is that I spend a ton more time on Nick than Sam. And I'm haunted with guilt. I feel closer to Nick, and it breaks my heart. Don't get me wrong, I love, love, love Sam & would give up my life for him in a heart beat, but I feel sad that he doesn't seem to want/need as much attention. And then I worry that he is independent because he HAD to be due to Nick's surprise arrival.

I'm trying to come up with solutions to give Sam & me alone time, but it's really difficult with both of us working & DH traveling a lot. I'm going to, though. It's super important to me. For those of you with more than one child, has this happened to you? Does it go in stages as the kids grow & change? Does the guilt subside?

I know this feeling makes me a shittastic mother, & I want to fix it. Suggestions?

j-w

I honestly think that because you can recognize it, you are not a bad person at all.  I also honestly believe that some children and parents are closer to others.  I have one sister and she and my mom are closer, while my dad and I are closer.  My mom was thinking about it the other day and realized that my sister (younger) was a colicky baby and my mom had to devote a TON of time/attention to her.  And, I was a super easy 3 year old who my dad could easily help/attend to.  I don't think you need to feel bad and I am sure the guilt will subside when you realize that you did nothing wrong.

 I have guilt both ways....DS is just a super smily cuddly baby who doesn't sass, etc. like my 3 year old.  Yet, DD is this fun kid who I want to play with.  And, DS will just be by himself, contently, for stretches throughout the day while DD and I interact.  So, it goes both ways....I feel bad that I just want to squeeze on DS all day.  Then, I feel bad that he just sits so contently without a ton of interaction while DD and I have fun.  Life's a balance for sure!

kittycarr

You're being too hard on yourself.  I feel the same way.  I'm not as close to my boys as I am with my DD.  My oldest is a daddy's boy and when he was in 2nd grade, I moved out of state - not far, but far enough.  He wanted to stay at the same school so he stayed with his dad.  I had him on wknds and through the summer.  So the bond that had been established broke off some the longer he was with his dad full time.

I had Ethan but my husband kind of took him over becaus that was his boy.  I was pregnant with Brooke when E was 6 months old and was like you - too tired to do anything plus Patrick had already established the daddy's boy bond.  I had Brooke and she is my little girl and my little shadow.  I feel like I could have been more involved with Ethan and my husband both had I not been pregnant with her and at one point, Ethan wanted nothing to do with me.  He's almost four now and for quite some time has been mommy's little boy in many ways.  So with that, don't worry, he'll grow out of it.

amw80

Awww...you are not a bad mother at all. Mine are also very close together so I hear what you are saying. My first is also super independent and the second is more of a mama's boy. I think the fact that you recognize it is a good step. I think that you should defintely make an effort to really spend one on one time with your oldest. Do something he likes to do just the two of you, make the time.

 

I wouldn't worry about him feeling like he had to be independent or whatever. Honestly, they are so young they aren't even going to remember. He will just be super close to his brother, and what a great gift that is. Don't be too hard on yourself girl...as they get older, it will get better

shopgirl78

There for a while  I felt closer to Nathan.  We bonded instantly in the hospital while DD was in special care for a few days and her being my first child, I was sort of consumed with how much my life change.  The bond came but it was not instant.  It took time. 

Nathan was a champ BFer.  Hailey never caught on.   (Not saying that one bond is greater than the other) but Nathan def needed me more (that other people) for his first year.   Although anyone could feed Hailey, she often did not let them esp during her evening bottle. 

Now, N is becoming a little man, he is more welcoming to MH where before he wouldn't go to him.   He's become a bit more independent.  DD is going through a total girly stage.  I can to the finger nails, princess dress up, etc...much more willingly than MH.  So, now I think our bond is a bit on the upside.

I think maybe these things just change throughout life??

ppants

What about a mommy/Sam date night (or day)?  Just the two of you for a few hours and he can pick something to do.

soxfan

You shouldn't feel guilt.

You have two children - and you should feel blessed that your first was so low maintenance.  It's like a child that slept through the night early in their life-- they are just natural self soothers.  Should a mom feel guily because she didn't have to be up countless hours soothing a child to sleep - no.  The child was just a content self soother.  Your little one is comfortable with doing his own thing and wants to be independent.  Look at this as something to develop rather than try to make him more dependent.  You may have a born leader.  Try to think of positives rather than negatives.

Find other ways to bond and grow. Always say I love you before you leave for the night.  Always do hugs.  Emotionally bonding goes deeper than just quantity of time together -- quality is the key.  Make sure you show interest in whatever he's interested in. Even if you have to talk from the kitchen where you are feeding your second.

As a Day care mom -- my children know I'm their mom -- it doesn't matter that they are in school 8 hours a day.  They know who loves them and will always be there for them.

Focus on positives.  Get out of this guilt complex.  You are a mom -- it's a tough job.  Enjoy and love your children -- you obviously do.

 

 

MarchMom06

This is all great input. Thanks so much for your thoughts. I've decided to pick Sam up early from daycare on Fridays & adjust my work schedule so he & I can have a "date". DH can pick up Nick at the normal time. I'm going to come up with a list of fun activites for us!