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Adoption
How do you respond to this??
So.. last weekend I had "girl's night" with a few close girlfriends. They are all married or engaged, but none have kids yet. They know my situation ( i can't have bio kids, so we plan to adopt). and we got talking about kids, etc.
one of the girls ( the one i'm least close to, she has a big mouth/very opinionated sometimes) says " I know you guys plan to adopt and everything, and i think thats great. but i could never do it. I COULDN"T RAISE SOMEBODY ELSE"S CHILD, AND IF I CAN'T HAVE NO OWN KIDS, I FEEL THAT I'M NOT MEANT TO HAVE KIDS AT ALL"
That last part is what hit me the hardest- how do you respond to somebody who basically says " if you can't have your own kids, you shouldn't be a mom?" I'm sure this is just the first of many, many comments i'll hear like this once we actually start the process... but it just threw me off, and i wanted to know if anybody had any good responses, feelings about it :-) thanks!
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Re: How do you respond to this??
I would have said - and did say to my brother in law who said basically the same thing:
"Well, that's valid for you. But not being a mom is not an option for me. I feel that not being able to have my own biologically means that I'm meant to bring a child into my family who needs a loving home."
(Sidebar - I didn't say that last sentence. We don't know if we can or can't have kids, but there are enough other health issues to make me trepidacious about getting knocked up.)
I honestly don't think she was trying to tell you that it was wrong for you. She probably didn't realize how hurtful she sounded.
First off her comment is illogical and heartless.
I would simply say, "You're right, YOU should definitely not adopt". To myself, under my breath, I'd add: "or conceive."
Then you might add, "when I adopt, I won't be raising somebody else's child, I'll be raising my own child."
I hate to be over simplified...but has this woman ever loved something other than herself? Does she have pets? Anything? Her approach to life is ridiculous...and she shouldn't have kids. ugh!
I was just wondering this the other day. It is very hard to see people bring children into the world, but not take raising them seriously.
I'm pretty sure my response to your friend would have been, "that's a great decision, so many issues with children and families could be reduced or eliminated if more ignorant people would make the choice to not have children"
I don't know why this would be the first of many comments unless, no offense, you don't have great people around you?
Honestly, I have never heard this and we are very open with everyone about our adoption plans. It amazes me some of the things people on here say that their 'friends' and 'family' say to them - but personally, have not experienced.
You don't have to respond to such ignorance. You know why you are adopting. You are good with the fact that you are meant to be a mom.
Our nanny made a similar comment to me about not being able to raise "someone else's child". ?She is from Brazil, so I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. I said the baby WILL be our child. ?She also asked why we would adopt a baby that doesn't look like us. ?I tried to educate her as much as I could.
However, I would be furious if a friend made a comment like that. ?I don't know what I would say. ?I would probably just be shocked and shut down at the moment. ?I would need to digest it and then either talk to her about the comment later, or stop talking to her for a while.?
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I absolutely agree! I just encountered a 'friend' more of a friend of a friend, just this week who asked how our process is going and then proceeded to tell me all the awful things that could happen, i.e. the BM takes the child after 10 years, BF is discovered 3 year later, blah blah blah. Basically she made herself look like a total A$$! She is completely un-educated about the process and is one of those people who can't let anyone have peace, she has to always make them feel bad. I didn't respond but instead told all my supportive, intelligent, loving friends about her comments...guess who won't be invited to any GNO's anymore?
"once they are placed in my arms - they are MY kids"
Biology does not make a parent. I just hate when people are so stupid about hurting other's feelings.
My Blog
I say one or more of the following statements:
"I can see how you might think that you couldn't love someone who wasn't related to you...but I love my husband and he's not related to me."
Blood may be thicker than water, but love is thicker than blood"
"Biology doesn't make a family...love makes a family."
"I don't think I could love a biological child more than I love my daughter...I doubt it would be possible to reach a higher level of human emotion than what I feel for her."
"There are certain kinds of people who can't comprehend adoption...those people shouldn't adopt. I guess I'm lucky enough to get it."
It is UNBELIEVABLE sometimes how thoughtless people can be. I'm really sorry you had that experience, but you're right that in this process you kind of have to grow a thicker skin. *sigh*
The thing that sticks out to me is the part about not being able to raise someone else's child. I know what she was getting at, but honestly as an adoptive mom, I have NEVER once thought of DD as "someone else's kid." She is of course just as much her birthmom's daughter as she is mine and DH's... but it has never felt like she's just some stranger's child. I love that little girl like crazy with my whole heart! She means everything to me, and I would do ANYTHING for her! You know the (cheesy) saying about how being a mom is like having your heart walking around outside your body? It's totally like that. Some people may never be able to understand that, but those are the kinds of people that aren't worth it anyway. (I mean that respectfully.)
If she, before having gone through IF (I'm assuming), can say that she would be more happy to live without children than with "someone else's" child, then fine. That's her own choice, and good for her for not being the kind of adoptive mom that really doesn't love their child as their own. But I wouldn't hesitate to explain how hurtful that kind of statement is to you.
Ask her if she feels a 12 year old would make a better and more qualified mother than you and see what she says. I mean, if she's going to stand behind the 'biologically capable' argument, then it's a two-way street...if a 12 year old is biologically capable and you are not, then according to her theory, the 12 year old should raise the child.
If she still doesn't see the error in her thinking, ask her if she thinks same-sex couples shouldn't have children. I mean, they are biologically not capable of reproducing, so why should they be parents?
Or if a drug addict has a child and has no plans of seeking professional rehabilitation....would they make a better parent...I mean they were biologically cable of having their own child, right?
A sperm donor would make a better father (according to her argument) than the couple that uses the sperm to create the life.
I could go on for days. That was the dumbest statement I've ever heard. Being a parent is about infinitely more than biology and DNA. Adoption is one of the OLDEST and most NATURAL things on the planet. Moses was adopted. Jesus was adopted by Joseph. Even in the wild, just about every species has recorded cases of natural adoption where one parent stepped up in the absence of another...so even animals are smart enough to 'get' that you don't have to give birth to raise a child as your own.
Oh how I *wish* I could have been there to respond to that statement.
ditto this...I agree that some people definitely should NOT be parents, unfortunately many of them are!!! I think many of these opinions are made in ignorance and in some sad way are actually these people's attempts at being honest and vulnerable and just sharing what 'they' could or could not do. I know it's hard, but try not to take it as any sort of indication as to what you should do. I'm sorry this was thrown at you.
Not knowing her, i obviously can't know, but my guess is that she didn't mean you wouldn't be a fit mother, but that not being able to reproduce is a sign that it isn't your destiny to have kids. That's how i would have interpreted it, anyway.
In either case ('the universe doesn't want you to parent' or 'your destiny doesn't involve parenting), i think a suitable reply would be "That might be, but i'm willing to take that risk and be a loving, stable parent to a child who wouldn't otherwise have a supportive family."