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Adoption
HTT - Birthmother assistance
Some comments about open DA here and on other boards got me thinking. So, here's a 2-part question:
1. WDYT about paying living expenses for the birthmother during her pregnancy - her responsibility or that of the PAPs?
2. IHO those (here and elsewhere) who have experiences with birthmothers contacting the a-parents years after the adoption to ask for financial assistance with this or that (expenses way after the birth, and completely unrelated to their BC/your AC) - Have any of you been put in that position? Is it the a-parents' obligation to help her out?
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Re: HTT - Birthmother assistance
The answers to these questions are some of the advantages to having an agency. We are to never under any circumstance to give money to BM before, during or after placement. We are to contact agency/sw and let them know she's made a request to us even it it's 15 years down the road. They have a fund for BM expense and do ask for donations to fund it.
I don't think it's an obligation, if we have built a relationship with BM we may be willing to help her out but we would never do it direct.
1. The agency we're considering has a "pot" that you donate to. If BMs need $ for living expenses, medical expenses, etc., the $ comes from that pot. That way there's no direct solicitation of funds, for lack of a better term. I spoke to an adoptive mom who didn't experience extortion, but had friends whose BMs basically said, "Give me $10K for X, Y, or Z, or you don't get the kid." What a horrible situation.
2. I'm not even close to being there, so I can't comment.
I've heard stories like that too... it was actually a driving factor in our choosing IA over DA. The idea of someone using their biological child as a pawn to gain material benefits really sickens me. Someone who says that does not truly love that baby.
1. I really think it is her responsibility personally. I mean, I don't think her living expenses have really changed all that much. Paying for Drs. appointments and the like I understand, but living expenses seem a bit much (to me.)
2. This is purely hypothetical but no, I don't feel it is their responsibility to help financially later on whatsoever, especially expenses that are not BR.
You;re a better woman than I, I'd be heartbroken and then p*ssed in very short order if we supported an e-mom financially only to have her back out, with us not adopting that child and out that money.
So don't take this the wrong way, but how do you know then that you and your fam won't just fall victim to a string of emom frauds?
The way I see it is that there may be a BM that is living on the streets or has temptations around her. If I can financially support her in a way that keeps her in a safe environment and away from bad influences, I will. I feel like the BM could have easily had an abortion, and then there wouldn't be a baby for us to adopt. So if I can be supportive, I will. (See below on policy though...)
Our agency/lawyer does not allow us to pay the BM directly so all expenses are filtered through their system. It allows us to feel comfortable that all the expenses are legitimate and appropriate. It also allows us to have a good relationship w/the BM. For example, if she says that she needs $50 for new shoes, we could empathize but then remind her that our org deals with all money exchanges...so call them
1. I have absolutely no problem helping with BM living expenses (though I do not want to pay for an excessive dollar amount - our agency guarantees living expenses paid back to us if the BM changes her mind). The reasons I don't have a problem is because it goes to the care of the unborn child. The less stressed the mother is, the more she is taken care of and well cared for in terms of food and medical the better for our potential child.
2. I hope that we do continue contact with our BM and family. We will not provide any financial assistance however. If we were asked, we would firmly say that it was an over-the-line question/request and that we would not be assisting her or her family financially. Any further request is harassment and would be dealth with legally. And of course it isn't like she can take back the child or anything - so we just are not worried about this. And obviously, I feel we have no obligation to help her. We are not adopting her and her family but her child. End of story.
#1 - I'm not really ok with helping the emom directly with living or medical expenses. I think it makes us both vulnerable. I think it open a door for a scam on our part. I also think it could somehow "obligate" her to give us her child. I think we would be more likely to donate to a community "pot" and not directly to the emom we were matched with.
I guess I assumed that most emoms would qualify for some sort of medical assistance (I guess I should stop by the stereotypes post above).
The agencies we've looked at all subscribe to the "pot" theory. The facilitator that we would also consider would only present our profile to emoms who do not need assistance.
#2 - If we were to adopt domestically, I would love to keep up a close relationship with the b-parents, but we would not be helping them financially. I think that is crossing a line.
Before I got pregnant, I worked extra hours to make ends meet. Once I was pregnant, I was so tired, I couldn't do it. I even had to scale back so I could make all my doctor's appointments. I paid for medical through my employer which I probably would have dropped otherwise. Since I placed my daughter in Canada, my US insurance didn't cover the birth.
The adoptive parents paid the hospital for the birth expenses directly. After my daughter was born, the adoptive parents paid me back for the insurance premiums I had paid, maternity clothes, and SOME of my living expenses. It allowed me to pay off debt I'd accumulated during the pregnancy. I moved back home and went back to college.
My daughter really saved me. I was on a bad path, getting pregnant set me on a new direction. The reimbursement allowed me the financial freedom to stop working and go back to school. I now have a BS, teaching credential, and Masters. I don't think I would have gotten here if not for the pregnancy and adoption.
Am I the only idiot this has happened to??? My agency made us pay a $3000.00 BM living expense fee. Since our match failed 1/2 way through the PG we are supposed to get back $1500.00. The BM's medical expenses are covered through medicaid. I was so angry because I feel like she robbed us of money that we really don't have to give away. She lives at home with her mom and two kids and doesn't work. HTF was she supporting herself before? I know it sounds crazy but, I am more upset about losing the $ than not getting the baby in June. The money we are using for the adoption was from my grandmother who passed away. She was the best person I've ever known, and to think that this horrible woman stole her money makes me so angry. (Read my response post on HTT birthmother stereotypes to see what I mean about how horrible she is). I feel reluctant to accept another match simply because if it fails again, we will lose more of my inheritance money from my beloved grandmother. I know that the right BM is out there and I trusted my agency to match us with someone who is not a complete wack job. I could have done that on my own. We went through an agency to avoid this type of fraud. I have serious doubts about my agency's motivations and feel trapped into staying with them since our money is already invested and non-refundable. I guess I was foolish enough to believe that they we looking out for our best interests as well as the BMs, clearly I was mistaken.