How to support a friend

VCHeditor

A good friend had a miscarriage today at about 9 weeks. Her best friend called and told me that she didn't want me to call or email her about it but she wanted me to know. I am sure it is more difficult to deal with me bc I have a 5 month old. What is the best thing I can do to be a good friend when she is ready? I won't be able to reach out to her since she does not want to talk about it, and may never want to. My heart is broken for her. She lives 3 hours away. Any advice would be appreciated.

BoSoxbride

I understand how your friend feels but I suppose that makes it hard to show that you're supporting her. I actually emailed all the people that knew I was pregnant and told them exactly what happened and then told them that this is the last I want to speak about it. However, I want to talk about it with people that have been through it. But I suppose I don't like people feeling sorry for me and no one ever can say anything truly appropriate anyways. Before I miscarried I never understood the pain that it brought and now I know that unless you've been dealt this same pain you can't either. It's not that I don't appreciate that my friends and family love me and support me but it's just too raw and I know they can't truly understand this. One of the things that helps me get through this is that I hadn't told most people that I was expecting and therefore I don't have to tell  them about my loss. The only thing you can do is respect her wishes. If this is how she opts to deal with this private loss then that is her choice. I know as a friend it feels strange not to show your support but she clearly wants closure and wants to look to her future. I think you have to just respect her wishes and let her contact you when she's ready.

VCHeditor

Thanks for responding. I will respect her wishes, but I so want to reach out. Its just hard to sit on my hands and do nothing. It was a fear of hers when she told me she was pregnant last week -- she said because has not felt sick. She was not going to tell hardly anyone because she was scared it would happen. I can't stand thinking about her being in pain.

BoSoxbride

She told you her concerns because she considers you a close friend and trusts you. As a good friend, I know this is hard for you. But you're doing the right thing by respecting her wishes whether you agree with them or not. If you two are really close I would bet that when she's ready, in her own time, she'll open up to you. But I know for myself that I cannot talk about this without breaking down and everytime I do that it feels like a step backwords from my healing. She's just trying to deal with her loss and move forward.

julisa2982

I would have to agree, respect her wishes. If she wants to talk about it, she will bring it up. She may never "be ready". The only people I wanted to talk to about it were my husband, best friend, and my mother.I know now that you cannot understand a loss unless you have had one, and can tell you that it is extremely difficult to see or hear about new babies after you have been through this. I can also tell you that everytime someone brings it up, you relive the pain all over again, especially if it was recent. My advice would be just to keep her in your thoughts and prayers, and when she does talk to you again, be very sensitive, but do not bring it up unless she does first. Good luck!

Mskharis

I am a lurker, but felt compelled to respond, being as though I've been through this. I think you should give her some time. After about a week, I would send her a friendly email, letting her know she doesn't have to respond, but that is she needs anything you will be there. Last thing she wants to hear is "I'm so sorry". You hear that so much, it becomes numb.

I know for me, I didn't want to talk to no one, go to baby showers, anything having to do with a baby I avoided. But eventually, I came around. She will too.

jenifer123

I was so completely devastated when we got the news that we lost our baby, that I could not have a conversation at all with anyone.  My DH called everyone on both sides, including my parents, family and friends, and shared the news, which was so sweet, and let them know not to call or anything for a while.  My way of dealing with things is to be alone and not deal with people until I'm ready.  But everyone is different, and some people like to have their friends and family around for support.

As for me, even though my DH was clear that I did not want to be bothered, a lot of my friends still sent little text messages expressing their sympathy and letting me know that they were there when I was ready.  I appreciated it, because although I wasn't ready to talk, reading a text let me know they cared.  As long as its quick and not repetitive, it was appreciated.  Also, one of my good friends left a little basket full of comforting things (a book, candles, tea, socks, etc) and then texted me to tell me to look on my front porch.  She just put it there and left, which I really appreciated.  It was perfect.  But if she would have rang the doorbell and given it to me in person, it would NOT have been a good thing, because that would have been too much for me right now.

Maybe just sending a little note or something to let her know you are so sorry for her, and let her know you don't expect a response but are ready when she is, is the best way to handle it I think.  But definitely don't force yourself on her.