- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Adoption
pepomntpat
member
Opinions on Transracial Adoption?
pepomntpat
member
in Adoption
DH and I had the transracial adoption portion of our adoption class last week. The presenter left me (and the majority of the class) very discouraged about making a transracial adoption work.
He said such things as we would now be a family of color, we would have to immerse ourselves in a community of color-meaning potentially going so far as moving, changing churches, etc. He also showed a video of African Americans who were adopted into white families as children and were very bitter about it.
I was prepared for people looking at us funny and asking questions. I wasn't prepared for my child to potentially resent me as an adult for adopting him/her. I was prepared to research hair care and to make sure my child had access to people of the same race, but not to move into a whole new community. I can handle my child having access to people, books, music, but not changing who I am.
We are adopting a waiting child who will likely already have plenty of abuse/neglect and attachment problems to deal with. Do I dare add race into that already painful mix? Or is a loving, stable home enough to work through all of those issues in time?
Opinions?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Opinions on Transracial Adoption?
I see what you are saying. We had been told in our other classes that we would likely be resented-especially at first-because of all the trauma. We aren't to expect our child to be grateful. I guess I didn't get that race would add a whole new dimension to it. I will say that no one we have worked with has ever sugar coated anything.
I was brought up in a predominantly white environment. I have lived and worked in muli-ethnic environments, but don't currently. I just never really thought about race before (guess that is part of my white privelege). I will have to do some more research. I do welcome other opinions.
Hi there, I'm a man of "mixed parentage." ?I choose not to say bi-racial because we are all of the human race with slight colour variations... ?Be warned, I'm a rambler, so this may be a really really long post!
My late father was a red-haired scotsman (in other words super white), and my late mother was a brown haired Jamaican woman( in other words super black)... ?My coloration is somewhere in the middle. ?My husband (a white French-Canadian guy) and I just adopted our first child (YAY!), and so, we too have a child with mixed parentage.?
?My two cents as far as Transcoloured (Transracia implies your adopting a dog or a cat, and that almost always works out just fine) adoption is concerned are the following:
First cent...?
It doesn't matter what your parents look like. ?Blue, pink, purple, black, white, or red; WHO CARES? ?Colour has nothing to do with quality/quantity of Love. ?Will you love your differently coloured child?
?That's a tough question to ask yourself, but ultimately you have to ask it. ?If the answer is no (and my goodness, that's a completely valid answer), you know not to adopt a child of a different colour than you. ?Your child (like me for example) will always be black. ?You can teach him or her anything you like, but the world, school principal, playmates, cops, human resources department, border crossing guards, you name it, will always see a black person when they look at your child (and if they have prejudices as to what a black person is, you bet your bottom dollar that they will be prejudiced against your child). ?So maybe take some of those thoughts into consideration when you ask yourself that question.?
When my husband and I were waiting to be matched with a child, these were questions that I had to ask myself about a white child! ?Could I be ?good father to a white baby? ?Would the Jamaican side of my family accept a white child as one of their own? ?(they would have, and I would have been). ?Those were really hard questions to ask though...
?If the answer is yes, then adopt whoever you like, and make it your mission to prove that panelist wrong! ?Have your differently coloured child and love that child like crazy - be a family! ?
The truth of the matter (according to me)is that family is as family does. ?If I choose to say to you "Pepomntpat, we are family." ?And, if you respond " Yes we are." ?Then by golly aren't we family? ?I'm over 6'2 tall, and I could care less if my son (MY SON!!!!) grows up to be only 5'8. ?Does it matter to anyone in the world that we may look a little bit different? ?And if it does, do I want any of those people to whom it matters in my life?
Simple.?
My second cent...?
I'm a professional dancer and a Colledge professor and much to my surprise, this year I have ?three (3) white young women in one of my classes who were born and raised in Jamaica. ?These women are culturally the same as me (Jamaican) yet we are definitely not the same colour. ?My point here is that CULTURE is not necessarily attached to COLOUR. ?I think that children who are adopted by parents of a different hue become frustrated and angry when there are no attempts made by the parents to educate them culturally. ?(Eg: I'd be really cheesed if my dad hadn't of tried to teach me some Gaelic; and just as cheesed if my mum had never taught me to make a wicked curry chicken). ?I think we can all understand that relocating to Chinatown because of our new Chinese daughter is A: extreme, and B: kind of silly. Seeing a Chinese grocer, banker or bus driver will not give your child a cultural education. ?Books, trips to countries of origin, lessons (Chinese writing, Afro-Caribbean dance classes, French cooking class), everyday meals at home (our son has curry at least once a week, same goes for French-Canadian foods), culture specific folk songs, you get the picture right? Prepare to make and implement a plan of education for you, and your child.
And, how exciting is that? ?You, the parent, get to learn something new! ?You get to become ?a more informed person! ?More culturally aware, more hip, and maybe even a member of a black church (not really the biggest sacrifice you'll make for your child... remember sex? ?you can forget about that good time as soon as your bundle of joy arrives...)
?So HURRAH for your future child! ?S/he will have access to ?who knows how much cultural education!!!! ?Chinese, African, Irish, Lebanese, Jamaican, Canadian, British, French, German, Japanese... And who knows (or cares) what colour s/he will be!
?ahem...so... that's what I (a child of mixed parentage, a father to a child with mixed parents) think...?
?
Please don't be mean to me... this is my first post, and really a slice of my (so far) wonderful life...?
Wow! Congrats on your adoption and thanks much for your opinion!
I think the opinion of the panelist is that you have to care about the color of your child because race is a real issue. As you said, people will be prejudiced against my child. That would not make me love my child any less, but will I be as prepared as another person of color to help my child deal with those prejudices? I think that was where the idea of immersion came in. If you immerse yourself in your child's culture there will be more people who can help him/her through those times that I won't be able to relate to simply because of my upbrining.
I can relate to the abuse/neglect. I did not come from the worst parents in the world, but I was physically and emotionally abused periodically throughout my life. So, I know how that feels. I also know how the healing feels. I don't know what it is like to have someone hate me because of my skin color. So, how prepared will I be to deal with that very real issue?
Does transracia really mean adoption of a pet? That's funny, since I used the word the panelist did and what is all over my adoption paperwork. LOL!
Gerald4Ray - you rock my socks!
That post was extremely well-said and I'm so thrilled for your adoption. Welcome to the board!!!
Ahahahaha....?Call it a personal mission... ?My Grandfather is a big time stickler for meaning what you say and saying precisely what you mean (and my Grandma is a retired typing teacher... she hates me... only becuse I type like an animal). ?So technically, if you consider as all to be of the human race, the only way to adopt transracially (trans meaning beyond) would be for us to look outside of the human race... ?so aliens, mutants, or other races of animals (dogs, cats, donkeys, horses, goats, sheep... *grin* ). ?It's insensitive to us all as humans!
ok more ramblings... bear with me...?
You know, I think we can actually relate to ANYTHING!!! ?I'm not a white woman, yet here I am relating to YOU (oh no, I'm turning into Oprah as we speak...)! ? Empathy, and compassion go a long way. ?So does patience! ?All of that silver lining, positive thinking stuff really works! ?
Picture this (true story btw), you and your new black baby are out for a walk, the sun is shining and you're glowing! ?You're at the park, and you see to black mommies, you approach, hoping the kids will play... children being children, they ll get along... ?Adults being adults... One mommy tears into you about the state of your baby's hair... really hurting you feelings... you could storm off and have a good cry, write a post on the bump about how hard it all is, OR ask them for advice, and a lecture demo... ?This happened to my friend Louisa and her gorgeous South African baby... she got a braiding lesson, made two friends, and found a hairdresser that was willing to help out with the baby's hair.
As for skin colour (what I think you mean by race) being an "real issue," kindness almost always wins. ?Now, I have never visited the deep south, and I have always been a black man, but I have NEVER been prejudiced against! ?I'm nice, I care about people's feelings, I'm empahic, and I use my brain... ?All because of my parents!
Oh! ?Speaking of my parents, my dad was a white guy, and had no preparation for the "challenges" that would come my way ?in life. ?He was just my dad. ?He was also a life-long learner, which I think helped him to be such a great dad. ?
This may be overly simplistic, but black people go through puberty too, put their pants on one leg at a time, and fall down and scrape their knees just like anybody of any other colour. ?Those really are the kinds of things you'll be dealing with (remember when I said over simplistic?) as a parent. And, I would say that as co-survivors of puberty, we're both equipped to handle that in our own children!?
It's funny, the Children's Aid ?Society (the public government agency through which we adopted)'s official position is that cultural matching is a positive thing. ?I agree, but not to the extent that a couple be overlooked based on culture or skin colour.?
?
uh-oh... I've lost my train of thought... I had a point I swear! ?I also warned you about my tendency to ramble right?
?One last point/reminder/mantra for us ALL (self included)
RACE (Skin Colour) does not equal CULTURE
Eminem is culturally a hip-hopper. I am culturally a musical theatre performer. ?The colour of my skin does not dictate my culture (nor Eminem's).
Yeah I guess trans-species would be adopting an animal... I was y'know, being to clever for my britches...
Ok? I would have you know that there are tons of us who don't live in the "ghetto" let alone have set foot in one...
OP, in my humble opinion you will be fine. There is definately a lifestyle change that comes with adopting/marrying/hanging out across racial boundaries. Behavior will have to change, and you will need to adopt for example as a previous poster said with hair. Something as simple as that is a big deal not only for little girls but for little boys as well. That's just touching the surface. But no, you don't need to move, change churches or anything like that. You have to commit to educating yourself and your child about their culture though. With education comes knowledge, and the ability to soften bullets when they come your way. Best of luck on everything!
You have found the right board... and I think it is great that we have a male perspective! Great post. Thank you for sharing. I hope we'll see more of you around here. : )
I don't think there's anything I can add to the fabulousness above, except for maybe suggestions about the white privilege thing. If you're someone who learns from reading, there are a few interesting (problematic in spots, but interesting) memoirs written about the color line--authors who've found out midway through life that they're "not" the race they were raised, and consciously had to enter another culture and create themselves as being a race they didn't look.
Obviously they wouldn't give you everything, but I've found them really useful teaching tools for myself and in classes. Let me know if you'd like titles, and sorry I can't offer more!
Mother's Day, 2011
I've visited other adoption boards and read the threads about this very subject. ?This specific thread is the most honest, touching, and thought provoking one I've ever read. ?
Welcome to the board, Gerald4Ray! ?I think everything you said is beautiful. ?You need to join the OP's panel!?
You can see back through on other posts about transracial adoption my long winded views.
First, I would never sign with an agency with such a negative attitude about transracial adoptions.
Are there children who are black, chinese, korean, african, hispanic and so forth that were adopted into homes of a different race that end up being resentful and jaded adults about adoption? SURE! You can find positves and negatives in anything.
Second, I HATE those resentful, negative videos SOME agencies choose to show because the adults portrayed in them were adopted 20-40 years ago. We ALL know that adopt philosophy, psychology and sociology changes even over the course of a FEW years. Those children, who are now jaded adults, were mostly adopted into families that were not trained or educated in how to be sensitive to racial, social and cultural matters. It is NO wonder they are resentful and jaded.
Third, I believe that you can't adopt ANY child without educating yourself about THEIR prospective from 0 to adult. If that child is of a difficult ethnic background (whether that is hispanic, black, white, asian, etc) then you really do have to immerse yourself into their culture even if that means going out of your way to find summer camps, play groups, support groups, extra-activities that will provide THEM with more diversity. So if you adopt a child of a different race than you - then you do become a transracial family (a family of color) and you have to start looking and thinking about the world a bit differently. There are many great books that can help open your eyes, as a white person, to things that you would have never thought about because we do take a lot for granted.
Fourth, having children in general tends to 'change who you are'. Gone are the just pick and go attitudes. Or the impromptu evening out at a fancy restaurant. I don't think that you necessarily have to change where you live or what church you go to but I believe that if you live in neighborhood, have a church, or schools that are primary of a different race than your child - I think you should change what you would normally do by finding play groups, and activities (even if that means driving a bit).
Fifth, make some adult friends of the race of your child. I don't mean just go stand on the street and wave down the first hispanic/black/white/asian person you see. But find transracial support groups or activities that will give you more adult exposure to that race. We actually have some great friends, who also happen to be black, we have asked them some of these questions because THEY live in our area which is mostly white. I asked them if they change schools, churches, and so forth to give their children a social environment that is more black than white. They said ABSOLUTELY NOT ... the US is made of 12% african american. And she said she especially would not do it if it meant sending her children to poorer schools, living in more impoverished neighborhoods. She said that of course she does look for activities and play groups that are more diverse.
Okay rant over!
First, I asked for opinons on transracial adoptions, not on my parenting skills.
Second, I said I wasn't prepared for my child to resent me for adopting him/her regarding the matter of race and AS AN ADULT. I had not considered the racial aspects or that my child would continue to be resentful AS AN ADULT. I know kids have all kinds of different attitudes. I am as prepared as any parent. If you read what I wrote you'd get that.
What great HTT thread!
Welcome, Gerald.
Back to Pat's original question- above all else, I believe parents to be need be be honest with their own comfort level. It's easy to discuss in theory, but each parent needs to be respectful of what he or she is comfortable with in adoption. You need to listen to your gut. I don't think it's the time to push one's comfort level. IMO.
?Whether it's because they're a different race than you or not, if you can't deal with the possibility of your child resenting you when they grow up maybe you should reevaluate whether this is the right time to pursue parenthood for you. Parenting is tough. The purpose is not to have your child love and appreciate you and you have to be willing to accept that for whatever reason, you may not have a great relationship with your adult child. They may choose not to have a relationship with you at all when they grow up, and that may or may not be any reflection on you or your parenting skills.
Just another perspective. I know a black woman (her nomenclature) who was adopted by a white family and grew up in a white neighbourhood, not insulated but not very diverse. She is really pleased (I won't say grateful, she thinks all kids deserve this and I see her point). She says that she grew up without thinking of her race as a burden, or a thing that would cause her discrimination. If you like she grew up expecting to be treated exactly like her white sister (they conceived when she was 5, 2 years after the adoption). It made her fight back more when she encountered barriers because she says "I grew up like a white person, I didn't grow up in a ghetto. I expected to be treated just like a white person."
?Not that they didn't teach both girls about the discrimination faced by african americans, but the aa daughter just didn't think it applied to her. Which in a way, is great isn't it?
That is a great perspective.I agree children all deserve a loving, stable home where they are treated with respect. It should be taken for granted.
I don't expect anyone to be grateful. I was worried that I'd be setting my child up for a life of bitterness like those that were portrayed in the video. I am really thankful for all those of you who were able to offer a less bitter perspective.
Obviously it can work out either way as every person is individual and will react to events in their lives differently. I just feel that we are being fed a lot of the negative in this agency. In a way that is good, so we can be prepared for the worst. But, it also feels hopeless at times and I am so thankful for the ray of hope you were all able to provide in this post.
Thank you.