Curbing inappropriate grandparent gifts?

joelsgirl2

A little background.  My husbands parents have two grandchildren 12 and 9, other than our little girl who will be 2 in March and 1 on the way.  Our whole realationship I have had a severe disagreement about how they spoil their other grandchildren.  They buy them absolutely everything.  They pay for 1000 per month private schooling, school clothes, toys, trips to Disneyland, food at every occasion, the list goes on and on and their parents never object.  They are on welfare and manage their finances horribly.  The mother has a degree but refuses to work to help out their financial situation because she wants to be "home with the kids."  In short, I get that the grandparents want to give their GKs a good life, but I feel it enables their parents to sit back and do nothing to provide for the children that they brought into the world.  My inlaws are not wealthy.  My MIL took a job at the kids private school and her entire salary goes to covering their tuition.

So now it's our turn.  They want to buy our daughter a $500 big girl bed that I mentioned I loved.  It's such a nice gesture, but as a mom, I would like to provide this for her after we've saved and can justify it.  So I told my FIL that presents like this are too expensive and he should not be considering giving something this large to her for a b-day present.  He's continued to look and shop around anyway.  I'm trying to decide if my issue is with the overspending on the other kids and that's why it frustrates me SO much. 

Do I completely tackle the subject with them, or let them buy this bed and deal with subject in the future? Do I talk to them about how I've felt about their treatment of the other kids?  Urgh, I hate stuff like this!  Thanks for the help.

DandelionMom

This is just my opinion but I think it is a grandparent's?prerogative?to spoil their grandkids. ?If you want to buy your DD her big girl bed, of course you should be the one to buy it. ?But I don't think you should tell them what they can and can't give to the kids (unless it is in some way harmful to the kids). ?And it really is NOT your place to talk to them about how they treat their other grandchildren unless they're mistreating them. ?

springmom

DandelionMom:

This is just my opinion but I think it is a grandparent's?prerogative?to spoil their grandkids. ?If you want to buy your DD her big girl bed, of course you should be the one to buy it. ?But I don't think you should tell them what they can and can't give to the kids (unless it is in some way harmful to the kids). ?And it really is NOT your place to talk to them about how they treat their other grandchildren unless they're mistreating them.

?Ditto this. ?I would NOT bring up anything about the other gk's.?

Andrewsgal

Let them spoil your kids what harm is it doing? It is a Grandparents job to spoil their Grandkids, and your job to keep them grounded. Why does it hurt to let them buy her a bed? Is she really going to know at this age anyway? It is really not your job to dictate how they spend their money. You should just realize you are lucky to have someone to help you out.

mags2041

DandelionMom:

This is just my opinion but I think it is a grandparent's prerogative to spoil their grandkids.  If you want to buy your DD her big girl bed, of course you should be the one to buy it.  But I don't think you should tell them what they can and can't give to the kids (unless it is in some way harmful to the kids).  And it really is NOT your place to talk to them about how they treat their other grandchildren unless they're mistreating them.

Ditto.

lsufan

Although I'd be careful about telling them what they can and can't buy for your daughter on a regular basis, I don't think there's anything wrong with letting them know how you feel about really extravagant items. ?Just be honest with them about your reasons-- that you don't want her to expect such expensive gifts all the time, that you want her to appreciate the sense of earning nice things, or whatever your reasons are. ?I think it's absolutely inappropriate for you to mention your disapproval of their treatment of the other grandchildren. ?That's between your inlaws and BIL & SIL-- none of your business at all.

joelsgirl2

I know you guys are right about not saying anything about the other kids and that's why I've held my tongue for 7 years.  I'm just worried that if we got into this discussion, I would use this as an example or reason of why I don't want them giving extravagant gifts.  Because the other children don't appreciate it and have come to expect all this special treatment. 

I'll have to think about this serioudly before I approach the subject, I don't want to make them feel like bad grandparents.  They are wonderful.  I just don't want them to feel like they owe our kids because of all they've done for the other 2.

Angela814

lsufan:

Although I'd be careful about telling them what they can and can't buy for your daughter on a regular basis, I don't think there's anything wrong with letting them know how you feel about really extravagant items.  Just be honest with them about your reasons-- that you don't want her to expect such expensive gifts all the time, that you want her to appreciate the sense of earning nice things, or whatever your reasons are.  I think it's absolutely inappropriate for you to mention your disapproval of their treatment of the other grandchildren.  That's between your inlaws and BIL & SIL-- none of your business at all.

I agree.  If the grandparents can afford it, then I guess I don't see the harm in them choosing to buy a more expensive gift for a birthday or Christmas.  I understand not wanting your kids to have too much or to feel entitled, so I'd talk with the grandparents about that.

zigby

I would let them buy it if they really want (as long as it's the one you want) or maybe talk them into putting the money they could have spent on it away for your daughter. 

I think that you should stay out of the business between them and your BIL & SIL but I think it's wonderful what they're doing for those kids.  The kids may not appreciate it now but when they're older they will.  What kind of a life would those kids have if the grandparents didn't help out?  I guess over the past couple of years I've mat a number of grandparents who have had to step up and take custody of the grandkids and I think it's remarkable...

Good luck!!

DandelionMom

joelsgirl2:

I'm just worried that if we got into this discussion, I would use this as an example or reason of?why I don't want them giving extravagant gifts.? Because the other children don't appreciate it and have come to expect all this special treatment.

Don't use it as an example. ?Really. ?It will not end up going the way you mean it. ?

And remember, you'll teach your children to work for things, they'll see you saving for things, you'll expect them to be grateful and appreciative so they won't end up like the other grandkids. ?Those kids are the way they are because of their parents' attitude, not because of their grandparents' generosity. ?

susan1017

Sorry, but the only thing I agree with from the other posters is to NOT involve what they do for the other GKs.

It looks like they are trying to give equal treatment which is great, but as the parent, you CAN limit what others spend on your kids.  I do not agree that it is a GP job to spoil the GKs. IT is PARENTS job to set the boundries and if you dont want them spending that kind of money that is more than OK ( I actually agree with you that it is too much) but dont be put off if/when the gestures or the giving stops.

If you can politely tell them thanks but no thanks and not get envious when you see what the other GKsare getting then I say follow your gut.  It sounds like your real issue is with the BIL/SIL and how they choose to live and not you MIL/FIL spending too much. 

Your inlaws sound like wonderful, generous people. If she works to provide these things for her GKs then that is as good a reason as any to work. I say bravo to them but if you have a problem with it, it is your problem, not theirs.

jorie

I can relate to your situation 100%. My ILs are essentially raising their other GK b/c of some deadbeat parents.  They go way overboard with EVERYTHING (vacations, clothes, toys, etc) with the other GK...in an attempt to compensate for the lack of parents.  It's great they do it, but it's to the point where it makes me ill.  The other GK are spoiled, unappreciative, etc. as a result.  Their attitude is not a result of the bad parenting; it's a result of the grandparents' spoiling. No question about it (at least in this case it is b/c the grandparents are the sole caregivers). 

I've been in your same situation and struggled with the same things you're struggling with.  I haven't said anything, but it defintely causes tension and has caused us to kind of keep our distance from them at times.  At Christmas and birthdays, I usually just pack away excess presents and bring them our randomly throughout the year.  My kids never know they go missing and the grandparents do their thing and feel good about it.

In the end, you can really only deal with your kid and your situation.  Try to take the other GKs out of the equation.  If the situation were "normal," you'd probably let them buy the bed, right? 

JOEBunny

What they spend on the other children is not your problem and you should not make it your problem.  It could be your DH's problem, if he lets it be, but that is his choice, not yours. 

The only issue here is what you want them to spend on your child.  Personally, it would not be a big issue for me for my parents to buy my DD a $500 bed.  They bought the double stroller for our new baby that was close to that amount.  It does not bother me.  My parents have plenty saved for retirement (my dad retired at 46 years old and has been retired for 20 years, but they still have plenty, so I am not taking away from their welfare.).  If they wanted to buy DD a pony or some other ridiculous toy she was not ready for, I would probably feel differently.  

rebs

"In the end, you can really only deal with your kid and your situation.  Try to take the other GKs out of the equation.  If the situation were "normal," you'd probably let them buy the bed, right?  "

I think this is good advice.

swanstdl

How fortunate your children are to have grandparents who want to be involved and indulge them!  My parents were always wonderfully generous with our children as they were growing up. It brought my parents such joy to be able to indulge them, since when we were young, times were difficult financially . Our kids grew up appreciating their grandparents thoughtfulness and never, for a second, took their generosity for granted. They have a close, loving and beautiful relationship.

I am continuing that tradition with our grandchild, hopefully some day, grandchildren!