I guess this is goodbye and good luck

Turns out H's security clearance officer pretty much gave out an ultimatum - if we apply for adoption loans and start dealing with a foreign government anytime soon, he loses his clearance and his job.

Me?  I'm sick of getting kicked in the face everytime I try to grow our family - got forced out of a job for being PG (the one I lost), then all the BS with nobody wanting to write us a HS, then the second we find someone who is willing, this *** happens.  I cannot effing deal with this anymore - A childless stepmom (far worse than just plain childless) career woman is NOT who I am and not who I want to be, but I feel like it's what circumstances are railroading my life into being.  I don't know what to do, I am seriously just spent.  Spent the last hour cruing in the bathroom, and now I just feel... nothing.  My children are going to be put at risk for never being adopted and then turned out onto the street at the tender age of 16 because of this crap.

Going to have a talk with H tonight... if he can't agree to try and reason with this jerk or won't agree to pursue fertility treatments, he's quite honestly, no longer going to be my H - the idea of which is gutting me.

I wish you all the best of luck with your adoptions.  I just don't know what to do for our situation anymore.

Re: I guess this is goodbye and good luck

  • I'm so sorry. I hope it works out one way or another.
  • Oh Sweetie!  I can't even imagine how this must be tearing you up!  I'll pray that this all comes to a resolution and that you and your DH are able to get through this together and find the absolute best way to grow your family.
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  • I am so sorry. I hope you can find a reasonable solution.  

    We are here to hear you as needed.  Take care.

    image Best friends and sisters... 24 months and 16 months
  • I'm not a deeply religious person so much as  spiritual. You have hit more road blocks than anyone I have ever met on your journey to adopt. It's kind of like ... when a match fails the upside to it is that 'that' child was not meant for you but yours is still out there or will be out there when the time is right to find you.

    Maybe it is the same with your situation now. The multitude of road blocks and difficulties you have had may be a sign that 'right now' is not the time but that with patience you will find your child and visa versa.  

    I have never heard of a company, corporation or govermental entity denying an employee the right to adoption or confusing it with security issues as the countries in which we as US citizens are allowed to adopt from have been established through govermental entities and relations. But nevertheless, this employment issue may not be something that you and DH can control (unless he loses his job which wont help you to adopt either) and I certainly hope it does not cause the dissolution your marriage. I wish you all the support you can get at home and through support groups.

    Good luck with your journey

  • Thanks ladies.

    JJG - I guess the only possible upside is, if we were going to re-open the fertility doors, now would be the time; there is no biological clock on adoption.  The problem is that DH has a really high security clearance up for review - they look through your finances, and right now bc our house, 401ks, investments, etc have lost so much value, or debt to equity ratio looks pretty horrendous. 

    Umm, like, oh 99.999% of the rest of the world, but according to the dumbf*cks at NSA, our current debt to equity ratio plus adding another loan to the mix makes H look open for financial blackmail.  It's not that they forbade him to adopt per se, it's just that they forbade us to borrow the money to do so.

    I don't know.  I'm just so spent sanity-wise...  I have known since I was in freaking kindergarten that I was meant to adopt a child, and have made a lot of career and life decisions that I likely wouldn't have made otherwise based on what is apparently the delusion that we'd adopt.

  • OMG...your story is identical to mine.  wow.  I'm so sorry for what you are going through.  I've been a stepmom for a long time and it's hard to watch a dysfunctional mother raise those kids and I really don't feel I have much authority to make change happen.  I love those kids like they are my own, but was never able to treat them as if they are my own, because they already have a mom.  Hubby and I are up there in age too.  I also have dreamt of adoption since I was a kid.  Hubby and I couldn't afford it.  We started the fost-adopt route a few years ago.  I hope it has a happy ending.  We received a 2 year old quickly and was thinking we'd adopt her and she ended up being reunited at 4 years old.  We were heartbroken.  In December we got the call for a newborn that we picked up at the hospital.  They said we'd be able to adopt her.  Now there's a potential relative that may get custody but we won't really know until June.  So we could end up back at square one like you or we could potentially adopt our baby and live happily ever after.

    Don't give up on your dreams.  Can you pursue other options?  Have you looked into foster-adopt?  I feel for you and I wish you the best.  I pray you don't give up your dreams.  Maybe you just need a break to clear your head.

  • I'm so sorry you are hurting and feel so crushed.  I hope you find resolution and comfort with your husband and a path to your dreams soon.
  • OMG! I'm so sorry to hear your story. I can kind of relate right now though. Everytime we get within days of turning in our application something comes up financially to where we fill we need to wait just a little longer. This has been going on since December. You just have to stay as positive as you possibly can. This is something you and your DH want, it will happen someday. Right now may not be the best time.

    Good luck! Keep us posted on any changes.

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  • i'm heartbroken reading your post.  i can only wish you a brighter future in your pursuit of your dreams.  sending you lots of (((HUGS)))
    After 7 years of marriage and 5 unsuccessful IVFs, we have been granted the gift of adopting a baby boy, born 4/21/11.
  • I am so sorry for what you are going though.  I can understand why your husband's job might feel that way, but it doesn't make it any easier on the two of you. I'll bet that your DH isn't happy about it either!  I will pray that your family grows in time - and that you arrive at your happy ending - because you totally deserve it!  Hugs to you - and I will say "see you later" - not goodbye.
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