HTT - Open Adoption
I haven't seen a lot of discussion on these boards about open adoption, but I'm curious about how everyone feels about this topic. I've been doing a lot of reading and a lot of thinking about this lately, and although it honestly scares me right now, our hope is to have an open adoption with several visits per year with the birthfamily as I think this is in the best interest of the child. I think I have the "normal" adoptive mother fears; that I will never be "enough", that my role as a mother will be undermined, etc., but I think that these fears will eventually be overcome. I know that openness isn't easy, and it can still be painful for all members of the triad, but given the other options, I feel like it is the best way to proceed for us.
Anyone want to share your thoughts or experiences with openness in adoption?
Re: HTT - Open Adoption
I didn't want an open adoption so when we did our home study and applied with agencies we requested no more than letters and pictures through the agency. I can't really give you a reason that this is the case. It just wasn't something I felt comfortable with. I don't believe that if adopted children are not allowed to visit with birth parents that it will somehow damage the child in the long run. My brother's adoption was completely closed and he never wanted to meet his birth parents, and he is the most loving well adjusted person you will ever meet.
I'm not against open adoption. I'm just saying it wasn't the right choice for us. Thankfully, Ben's mom only wanted letters and pictures, and we were willing to meet her at the hospital, but she didn't want to meet us. Everything worked out for the best.
Good Luck to you all!
I'm not really sure about this, I would have to do more research. First, we are foster-adopt so I'm not sure if the courts would allow for open adoptions. If they did allow it, I think it would depend on the case.
If my childrens bio-parents rights were terminated b/c of abuse I would not permit them nor the family to see the children. If their rights were terminated b/c they are mentally unstable to care for a child then I would probably allow for relatives to see the child but I'm unsure about the bio-parents.
I kind of addressed this last Tuesday, so I put this answer together from much of what I wrote then.
One of the reasons we?re adopting internationally is that we have concerns of our child?s family requesting financial assistance long after the adoption is final. I know of cases where this has happened, and it was not something that we felt comfortable with.
My husband?s ex-wife was left by her mother when she was very young, to be raised by her grandparents. She almost never heard from her (a few times over the course of her life), until after they were married. Suddenly, the mother wanted a relationship, and suggested that she could use financial help. My husband had a difficult time refusing her, and did not want to open the door to a similar possibility in our future. He asked me, ?how do you tell your child that his/her mother is not welcome??
However, while we harbor some fears of US open adoptions, we would still prefer to have as open an adoption as possible internationally. We would like to gather as much information about the family while in country as possible, and would love to meet with them. We are completely open to sharing information with them as our child grows, and we have every intention of repeatedly traveling back to Peru with our child. Our main concern stems from their ability to request continuing support from us, and we felt that physical distance would help prevent such an occurrence.
One of the reasons we would favor International Adoption is because there is virtually no risk of birth parent involvement.
I was adopted in a closed adoption and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have parents and to me, biology really doesn't mean a whole lot. My parents always told me they would support me if I decided I wanted to try to get more information but I never have. I don't really expect that to change.
I am not against open adoption but it just isn't something I would want to persue.
We are in an open adoption and love it. However, our whole adoption situation is a little different, we have known the family for 6 years and were asked to adopt. The one thing that opened me up more to the idea of open adoption was reading birth mom's blogs. Just to read and feel that pain they feel/felt really tore at me. It Also squashed all the stereo types I had about how all BMs were drug addicts and did not deserve to mother a child. (This is still a flameless posts right?
It showed me that most BMs were normal everyday women who walk in quite a few of the same shoes I do. Most of them really struggled with the idea of placing their child, but in the end did one of the most self less act a woman can do....all for the better of that child.
Another reason we liked the idea of the open adoptions is that when the hard questions came, from our little boo, we can all sit down and answer them as a unit....not us trying to explain to her that her first mother really did love her. She now can feel and see that love due to the open adoption. I really think open vs close is a very personal decision that should be thoroughly thought out. I for sure am an advocate for open adoptions, but agree to each their own and everyone has to do what is right for themselves and their families.
What Serious said, to the letter. I've also heard stories of birth mothers thinking they should have a say in how the child is raised, or use the open adoption to segway into trying to recliam custody down the line.
We also plan to travel back to Russia with our children, though, and want as much info as possible about their biofam for medical reasons, as well as for our kids' emotional benefit.
We are also in a very open adoption, but if I had the opportunity to chose, I would favor a more closed adoption. Especially in the case of my 10 year old (my niece), I see her struggle daily with the pain her BM causes - and it breaks my heart. Sometimes I wish BM would just go away permanently and let the wound heal - its like the band aid analogy. I think every time Kaitlin starts to adjust to BM being gone, she calls and rips the band aid off and the healing has to start from ground zero. It disrupts Kaitlin deeply, and effects school work, mood, everything.
Of course, if she wasnt 10 and was a baby or small child, it would be different. I think it is harder to have an open relationship for children that are adopted older (like from foster care, etc.). From infancy, boundries are easier to establish. After our call from BM last night, DH and I need to talk about exactly how we refer to BM as DD grows and begins to understand things. Hard topic...
While I was completely scared of the idea at first, I've warmed up to it...mostly out of necessity since most DA of infants are open on some level. We aren't setting specific limits until we are matched. If we are matched with a a BM that we feel we can have visits with, then terrific. If we are matched with someone that we don't want in our lives on in such an intimate way, we will propose letters and pics knowing that the BM might prefer something different...making it a deal breaker. Ultimately, we need to be true to what our gut says and then allow whatever happens to happen.
Open adoption isn't really an option with Korea--in fact, many times the women go on to get married and have families without ever telling them about the child(ren) they placed.
When we received the sibling call for our 2nd son, we were so grateful that our older son would have the gift of knowing SOMEONE with whom he is biologically related.
When we were in Korea in December, we met a young man who was going to meet his birthmother, but he was in a special situation. He was adopted at age 8 after his bio dad died and his mom became unable to support them. He was very excited about the reunion (although nervous) even though he had a very loving and supportive family in the US.
We do plan to keep updates and pictures in our sons' files, and to let her know that we would love to have contact with her should she ever make that decision. My sons' birthmom is a very important part of who they are, and I cannot deny them access to that part of themselves. Medical issues aside.
It's unlikely they will ever learn anything more about their birthfathers, which is sad, too. There's a lot of talk about the mothers; very little about the fathers.
We are also in a very open adoption, but if I had the opportunity to chose, I would favor a more closed adoption. Especially in the case of my 10 year old (my niece), I see her struggle daily with the pain her BM causes - and it breaks my heart. Sometimes I wish BM would just go away permanently and let the wound heal - its like the band aid analogy. I think every time Kaitlin starts to adjust to BM being gone, she calls and rips the band aid off and the healing has to start from ground zero. It disrupts Kaitlin deeply, and effects school work, mood, everything.
This is why I think depending how the BM and bio-family is how we will treat the "open adoption" since we will be fostering to adopt.
Here are my random thoughts ...
- I fear open adoption but realize that it is in the best interest of MY child,
- I'm in the psychology/sociology department of my university and when I began to tackle this topic (because initially I was in the frame of mind of closed) I read all of the latest research documents, long term and short term field research, and of course many of the books that are on the market today about long term following of children who were raised in a closed adoption era. Open adoptions are fairly new so there is not as much long term data but the data there is indicates children as a whole (which doesn't attest to personal anectodal stories) fair better psychologically and socially with some level of openness (even if that openness is just with the parents talking openly about the child's birth family from day one)
- I have heard great, heartwarming, tear-to-your eye stories about open adoption, and I have also heard heart-in-the-pit-of-your stomach, fearful stories about experiences with open adoption
- We are going into this with the idea of semi-open which would mean for us at the very least pictures (frequently - I hate this idea that pictures should only be sent twice a year), letters/emails.
- I HOPE that our relationship with our birth mother allows us to go beyond semi-open in which we would like to be able to be open with her about meeting with her and being able to have her share a role in our family.
- We realize that not all situations are going to be the same with birth mothers and families. Some birth mothers/families do not want any contact, nor do they even want pictures. So we are going in being open to semi and with the hope that the relationship/connection is right with our birth family to be more open
- I have probably the same fears as a lot of adoptive parents do: will I measure up, will the child think their birth mother is better than me, will the birth family try to snatch the child, and so forth. All of the research indicates this does not happen, and actually studies indicate that children who are raised without the open approach (even if in communication) tend to have these feelings and fantasize about their birth parents more than children who have contact or at least an air of openness with the birth family.
Everyone has to go with what makes them comfortable. Some people read the research and have a different take on it. Some people believe that there is not enough long term research to validate open adoptions yet. Some people will never believe in research because they have anecdotal stories that confirm an opposite opinion or because their own fears are too great to over-come them. Some people believe that it is in the interest of their child to shelter them from their birth family. What ever the reason - we are all entitled to raise our children how we feel is best (not everyone follows the same belief system on feeding a baby, handle fussy/crying babies, and so forth - it's just another knotch of things that have more than, perhaps, one right answer.
I guess in closing I would say ... this is NOT about YOU, it is about your child. Don't make a decision, one as important as the heritage, genetics and biology of your child, based on your own emotions and fears. This has to be a decision that is made with a lot of lot and education - leaving aside emotion. Even if that means finding an adoption counselor, therapist who can help you separate educated knowledge and emotional knowledge so that you can make a decision that is truly in the best interest of YOUR child. If after you have separated the two types of information and your emotions and you come to the conclusion of closed - there is nothing wrong with that as long as you made the decision in the best interest of your child and not because it is in your own personal best interest.
So much for me giving a short response! Ha!
I'm not entirely sure it's only about the child. I think it might be more about what's best for the family as a whole (and that can even include the birth family). If the family is so uncomfortable with an open situation, it can impact their relationships among one another...and I would argue that that certainly isn't in the best interest of the child. I think the family, as a unit, must come to agreement and adjust to whatever parameters are set. And I believe that sometimes, what?s best for the family as a whole may not necessarily be what conventional wisdom says is directly best for the child.
Ok, I'm back.
First of all -- kudos to you for thinking about this ahead of time and for pushing yourself to learn more about what can originally start out as an uncomfortable topic for many of us! I felt much the same way as you do a couple years ago.
Second -- "open" means different things to different situations. For some, open means having each other's identifying/contact info (last names, etc.) and communicating through letters/emails; for others, it means a phone call every Saturday and a visit every couple of months. It really is a broad spectrum, so don't feel like you have to be pigeon-holed into one specific mold. Open for us means that we know each other's last names/addresses/phone numbers, we email each other as our main source of communication, and we have visited and hope to continue visits in the future. We live about three hours apart, so visits definitely have to be planned and aren't a "spur of the moment" kind of thing.
OA is much like other relationships in that they grow and change and evolve over time based on what the individuals needs are and what they are investing into the relationship. Our situation has looked totally different from pre-birth, to directly post-placement, to a few months later, to again a few months after that, to now... and it continues! DD's bio mom and I have both gone through more "needy" times together, and more "independent" times also. We both really NEEDED a lot of contact (email in our case) at first. A year (plus) later, we don't "need" that same level of intensity, but it certainly doesn't mean that we don't care about each other anymore or that OA is any less important than it used to be. But our needs have changed (mostly hers), so our relationship looks different than it used to.
The #1 top priority for DH, myself, and DD's bio mom has always been and will always be what is best for DD. We fully believe that our responsibility as her parents is to provide her with as much information and opportunity to make her *own* choices when she is older about how much involvement she wants from her bio family. I think this is kind of what some others were saying about the child being the most important... not that any of the parents (adoptive or bio) are "unimportant," but that part of being a parent is making decisions based on what is best for your child, and not on what is comfortable or easy for us. To use a completely unrelated-to-adoption example... sometimes I would love to just sit and veg out all evening. Some days I feel too tired to even move! But DD needs me to feed her, bathe her, change her diaper, play with her, read to her... so I do what is best for *her* even when I would sometimes rather do otherwise. Silly example, but it's the same issue in adoption -- thinking in terms of what is best for my child before me.
I think it's very common to have some of the fears you were talking about... but I can honestly say (at least in our experience) that DD's bio mom has not in ANY way made me feel like less of a mom. In fact, the opposite is true... she makes me more comfortable about motherhood. In the hospital when DD was born, we were trying to get her to hold DD, to spend time with her, to experience as many "firsts" as she could. But she was wanting that for us -- she needed to see us loving DD and bonding with her, because in her mind, we were already her parents. She has said to me many times (either in person or via email) that DH and I are DD's parents 100% and that she's fully supportive of us in that way. Everything about her is supportive and encouraging and secure in who everybody is. I know not every situation is like that, and I know we are blessed that ours is! But just know that it IS possible.
I think once you are a mom -- in whatever way you become a mom -- you are completely and wholly devoted to your child in a way that is indescribable and like no other human relationship. And your child without a doubt knows who "mommy" is. My daughter is glued to my hip... or thinks she should be!
There is no question in her mind who I am. And I love her more than I can possibly put into words! So... it's more than "enough"... and it will be for you, too. 
You are right that openness is not always easy. There have been points during this past year that might have been "easier" in other circumstances, and there have been lots of frustration and confusion and hurt and tears. It just comes with the territory -- adoption of any kind, I mean. (And I'm pretty sure it just comes with parenthood to boot!) It's emotionally draining... exhausting, even. But I can say unflinchingly that it IS worth it. To be able to give my daughter opportunities and choices she would not otherwise have, and to be able to have it all "out on the table"... it's most certainly worth it.
It has been good. I can't imagine it any other way. My daughter is very secure in herself because she knows who I am and where she came from.
I always remember something from just after I placed my daughter...
When the child is young, the birth mother will need a fair amount of contact as she grows to feel security with the placement and the adoptive family will probably want less as they try to bond. As the child gets older the adoptive family will probably want more visits and more closeness and the birth mother will probably pull away.
This has fit with my experience. When she was young, I kept in touch for me. Now I keep in touch for her.
Years ago when i started the fost-adopt process, hubby and I were against open adoption. It was because we were not educated on it. Over the years, and being educated on open adoptions, we came to a firm decision that OPEN adoption is the only way to go. We've felt this way a long time now. We were close to adopting our last fosterchild but she was reunited. If we had adopted her, her parents would have been good people to have an open adoption with.
BUT...with our current placement, our minds are changing. She is a newborn we've had since birth. Mom has not stopped using drugs at all. She has many other kids and some of them are open adoptions. I heard that the kids that see her regularly are not doing well with it. I don't know if it's ideal for us to keep bi-monthly visits with biomom as we previously thought we'd do. I will forever want to remain in contact with her in case things improve in the future, and I'd want to do in person visits but maybe just once a year unless she improves. I also fear my baby will get attached to the mom, and mom will disappear. She's mentioned several times she may flea. ugh.
Sooo, I think it just depends on the individual situation, but overall I am for open adoption.