- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Adoption
Adoption and Estranged Family Members
Question is kind of two fold - 1. How does one address estranged family members in the homestudy; and 2. How and when does one break the news to the non-estranged family members that we're adopting?
H and I are from large families, most of whom we plan to have involved in our child's lives. Most of our siblings/parents/etc live out of state; H has a brother/SIL and an uncle/aunt that live in the next county; I have a brother who goes to school two counties away.
It's BIL/SIL and the uncle/aunt who are the problem. LOOOONG story short, we have very little relationship with them due to their long history of being nasty towards me and my husband and being against our marriage. Usually, H's other sibs understand that they can either see BIL/SIL or see us, though events like funerals, it's unavoidable seeing these 4. H's sibs are pretty horrified at BIL/SIL/aunt/uncle's stunts and are supportive of our decision, though they grudgingly to enthusiastically maintain a relationship with these 4.
It's gotten so bad that we actually have a lawyer on standby right now, ready to draft a "cease and desist slandering" letter to BIL and H's uncle. They apparently have been calling my dad to tell really vicious lies about me and H. SD, at age 7 has chosen not to have a relationship with them (they don't hold back on their ugliness in front of her), and we have no intention of letting them anywhere near our other children. It seems like their problems stem from my ethnic* and religious background (and stuff I do that prohibited by BIL/SIL's religion but not H's and mine, such as drinking coffee and using pharmaceuticals rather than effing prayer to treat my diabetes), and from the fact that they feel no child should be subjected to a stepparent.
They are emotionally/verbally "violent" rather than physically; but we still don't want them anywhere near our children.
Of course, there are several questions in the autobio questionaire addressing relationships with immediate family and in-laws. What is a positive way to spin this? "We're not close to them; we're not sure what exactly their problem is, but we hope they'll open their hearts and minds to having a relationship with us someday?" (Even though in reality, they can come within 100 yards of our kid over our dead bodies). Or are we just honest and say something more like, "We have very different values. They have not been accepting of R2 or of our marriage due to their own personal biases, and thus we do not have a relationship with them and don't plan for our child to meet them. In fact, if our house wasn't 100K underwater, we'd already have moved to the exurbs on the other end of the city just so as to be that much further from these d0uchebags." ?
Another question is, how and when do we break the news to H's other family (who are great) that (a) we're adopting; and (b) we don't want these a-holes to know about it till it's too late for them to interfere; and (c) we don't want these a-holes to so much as breathe our child's name?
*"Wait," you ask, "Didn't you just post yesterday that both you and yoru husband have a similar ethnic background?" Indeed I did. These are 2 self-hating white men with non-white wives, who see my lack of melanin as a personal affront. I told you they're psycho.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Adoption and Estranged Family Members
WOW...I am soooo sorry you have to deal with these douchebags.
It sounds like with the history here the family would understand why you didn't want them to know. Do they normally respect your wishes and not tell them things, or do they run and gossip ??
I think people understand that not everyone in life are going to be best friends and love each other no matter what. If it comes up...I would go with the "We have different values" be mature and not get into the drama about it.
Best of Luck
In terms of your homestudy, I would definately be honest but diplomatic and say something like 'we have different values and at this present time we do not have a close relationship with them as we have found that it is not a healthy one, however, we would be open to building something in future if that was to improve' I think as parents we need to teach our children that the world is not always a safe place and it's ok not to be friends with people who are toxic, and we need to keep healthy boundaries. You don't need to get into the full drama of it but I think it's fine to express that there is a wall there and for the health of your family unit, you are chosing to keep that wall in place for the time being.
With regard to your other family members, at what point in a pregnancy woudl you feel that you wanted to share it with them? I know that this is not the same thing, but I think if you have the type of relationship where you would tell them the day after your bfp, then go ahead and share your adoption plans at any point. If you would rather keep it between you and your DH for a while, then I'd say let your homestudy play out a bit first. We told immediate family right away but extended when we were nearly done our homestudy and aquaintances etc after we'd sent our papers to the orphanage. JMHO good luck
For the SW/HS, I would say that there are family members that you dont have a relationship with because they have very differing religious views that conflict with your own. I think you should mention the religious angle because if you explain your own views to them (which we had to do), they will understand that it is more on the other side that is lacking judgement.
I would tell the other side of the family with great joy and excitement, but try to do in person (I know it's hard with them not near you). If you must discuss via phone, I would preface the conversation with the statement that this is 100% private and should not be discussed with anyone in the foursome you have contention with. Explain FIRST that it could jeopardize your family plan, and then tell them you are planning on adoption.
If they are supportive of you and your non-relationship with that part of the family, they should understand that this is a very important step that must be kept confidential.
As a sidenote, I dont think anything they could say would eliminate your chances at adoption - even if they proactively found out what agency, etc. you are working with. But you will have enough drama to deal with, you dont need any more.
GL!
That's complicated... I can't specifically point to any one thing and say, "they've broken confidence in X way", or "they've run and gossipped to the evil foursome." And I actually do like the other siblings and their spouses, but choose to not let them "in" for several reasons.
But for me, just due to distance, most of my interactions with my ILs have been with the d-bags and therefore negative. So that has made me hesitant to open up to the other siblings. H's sister (my favorite) has actually confronted me (after she was waaaaaysted after a whole beer hehe) that it hurts her feelings that I hold her at arms' length although she understands why I do it.
For me also, I don't identify someone as toxic based solely on the way they treat me, but on the way I see them treating others. In my own extended fam, I have a few relatives with whom I don't have a relationship based on how they treated a family member who is gay, and another family member who married outside our race. I don't care that neither applies to me; if you're going to be that ugly and disgusting to someone else, you're certainly cpable of turning on me or my child. So, it is difficult for me to really trust H's sibs because they still have a relationship with the evil foursome.
My inclination, then, is to present it more like, "Hey that vacation we just took to Russia? Yeah, we brought home a kid!" which I know would cause more hurt, and/or maybe make them not as open to our son.
It's a rock and a hard place - if the evil 4some weren't in the picture, we'd probably talk about it much sooner.
Here is another question - if we have the attorney draw up and send the cease and desist letter - does that show up in the homestudy, the USCIS check, etc? Should we mention it in the homestudy as a CYA if those jerks find out and try to interfere with the adoption?
Do you mean, as part of the answer to that question? Or briefly touch upon, "they have this lameass 19th century mentality that Catholics are the devil, but that speaking in tongues is totally normal"?
There are other questions about religion, which give me additional hearburn. Does it look bad that I'm an Easter and Chrsitmas Catholic, and that my H is Episcopalian? We've decided to raise our kids Episcopalian, but I don't care to convert. WOuld that be a black mark against us?