Is a failed adoption = to a failed IF treatment?

DH and I are not sure what we want to do.  Part of us is ready to try another IVF, but part of us is ready to move to adoption.  It just seems that at least with adoption there is more of a guarantee (even though I know it isn't).  I am totally afraid of having another miscarriage or spending thousands of dollars for an IVF that doesn't work when we could put that money toward an adoption.  I'm sorry if this is a rude question, but is a failed adoption as bad as a failed IVF or a miscarriage?  Is it more of an emotional roller coaster trying to adopt vs. going through fertility treatments?  Thanks girls.
Baby #1: 19 cycles, failed IUI, and 1 + IVF 3-5-07
Baby #2: 12 cycles, 1 failed FET, natural miracle but m/c at 9 weeks then another natural miracle that stuck! 9-30-09

TTC #3 - 4 cycles - no BFP yet!

Re: Is a failed adoption = to a failed IF treatment?

  • I wouldn't say that either is easier than the other.  There is no guarantee with either, you're going to most likely put just as much money if not more into adoption than you would IVF (a domestic adoption through an agency for a white infant is easily $30k, if not more).  I've found adoption to be just as much of a rollercoaster as IF treatments, the only positive is that you don't have the physical toll of injectables, but you could potentially lose out on a lot of money.
  • I've had an IVF where I developed OHSS so I had 2 FET.  Both of these ended in miscarriages and we've also had a failed match.  I would say that they both hurt about the same.  I thought I was pregnant twice and was going to have a baby and I was already in love and we were already in love with the baby we were going to adopt. 

    We still had 7 frozen embryos left when we decided to try to adopt again.  This time we got a call about a baby that was already born and already released.  It was a sure thing.  This was just 2 weeks after we decided to try to adopt again and less than a month after my 2nd miscarriage.  I'm not sure how I would have handled having to wait around again for the birth and how I would've dealt with things if this adoption had failed. 

    Both a failed IVF and a failed adoption are devestating.  The only thing I was thinking through all of this is that God was in control and our baby was out there somewhere. 

    Good Luck to you!

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  • I don't think you can really compare the 2. You have to be comfortable with whatever path you choose.

    From what I've seen on this board, failed matches usually don't mean any attempt at adoption is over. Most people have worked through it and gone on to be matched with their child.

  • If you are looking for some emotional guarantee that you wont get hurt any 'worse' than a miscarriage or failed IVF then I don't think I could offer that to you.

    I think the two paths are separate. I believe that if you have been working with/through IF then you need to finish that path before beginning a new path of adoption. I do realize that there are people on this board who will feel differently and are continuing on both paths. It might be good for you to talk to someone who can help you work through these emotions and thoughts such as an IF/adoption/family therapist.

    The difference with a failed adoption/match and failed IF, IMO, is that there is a viable baby involved that has possibly been born and a real second person (the birth mother) who has complete control. You may have had the chance to bond with the BM, watch the baby grow and even had the chance to meet or bond with the baby - then have the adoption fail. IMO that is much different than a failed IF treatment or miscarriage.

    I wish you lots of luck no matter the path you follow!

  • I can't really comment on a failed IVF, or a miscarriage as we didn't try any fertility treatments beyond Clomid, and I have never managed to be pg.  But we did have a failed adoption last week, and had even gone to meet and hold the baby the night before we knew it failed.  But we were still kind of keeping our distance (emotionally) because there had been a lot of back and forth from the BM. 

    There was defintely an emotional roller coaster with this match because everytime we started believing things were going to go forward the BM would pull back again (we had two court dates canceled 5-10 minutes before she was supposed to be there).  And we did lose close to $5000 with this failed match, so there is a monetary loss as well, which could put a damper on accepting another match right away.  

    IMHO a miscarriage would be the most traumatic because with a failed adoption, the baby hasn't died and will (hopefully) lead a full and happy life, just with someone else.  So while we are sad that we didn't get to bring her home, I found a certain level of comfort that the baby was still healthy and that the BM kept her out of love and would care for her appropriately. Where as I think I would greive more with a miscarriage.   

  • While I've not experienced infertility, I honestly don't think you can compare the two. Each come with their own set of worries, possible heartbreaks, issues, etc... I think that both are going to be an emotionally trying experience, simply in different ways.

  • I agree with pp that you really can't compare the two in terms of potential heartbreak, they each have their own risks and rewards.  I do, however, feel that adoption is more of a "sure thing".  Yes, you may have a failed match, or many failed matches, but if you continue, you WILL get a baby at some point.  This is why we chose adoption over IVF.  It felt like a better use of our resources, financial and emotional.
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