Feeling Unsupported By a Spouse..

LisaRuiz23

So Im sorry I just need to know if anyone else is dealing with this, my husband and I have been married a year and a half and together almost five years. This pregnancy was a  suprise but one of those you knew it was gunna happen sooner or later. My husband said he didnt want kids for a couple years but he sometimes went back and fourth ( not that often tho ) yet he still wasnt using any protection. Where I was fine with kids now, he even went as far as saying "if it happens we'll be happy" Well guess what it happen and he doenst seem too happy,  we are 15 wks, and altho he says he is excited... it doesnt feel like it... we have done nothing but fight about it. I even went as far as following what one of my books advice which said I shouldnt assume how he feels and I should lay out my expections and needs and make sure he understands them, and a few fights since then he sometimes ask how I feel... and it seems like he thinks thats enough. One day I asked for a neck rub and he got up relucntly... and started but he had to make me feel bad about it.. (even though I make all the food, even pack his lunch for work, all the cleaning, all the laundry...Oh and I work.. so on and so fourth) and he even went as far as saying the reason i wasnt sleeping well was because I wasnt active enough during the day, and made it out like I was milking this pregnancy. I have felt great... except for feeling unsupportive... I asked him to read a book, something he picked... it can be 30 pages....written by a guy.... I dont care! Just something to make me feel like he is interested and supportive... he doesnt wanna hear any of the baby facts I have from my books.... And I just feel so alone and unsupported... my family is great! But I feel like he needs to get this is real and support me.. I feel like he is acting like his life is over.. and that this is only happening to me...I get that most men cant connect with it all till the babys here... But is there a happy medium I need support but I need peace!

*bunny*

wow that is tough.  i'm not sure what to say.  i think a book geared to men may help him to understand what you are going through, maybe allieviate some fears he might be having and possibly even get him more genuinely excited.  was he supportive of you in general before this, like if you were sick or upset?  some guys really aren't very good at empathsizing.  sorry you feel unsupported by the one who should be there for you the most. 

we are here for you. good luck.

jenerally

some people, no matter how much you plan or want a pregnancy, just never get on board. IMO, if he wasn't ready to have kids yet, y'all should've been on STRONG birth control.

after the birth, he'll either be involved ... or he won't.

He is an adult and you cannot control his feelings about the pregnancy, or about how your life will change.

I can tell you that having a baby does NOT initally bring couples closer together, so if you are hoping that going through birth will miraculously make him on the baby train ... it's not.

Try not to let his negativity get you down. Find a good support group -- either other moms to be, or friends and family -- to help you and boost you up when you are down.

GL! I don't envy your situation.

margeincharge2

Wow, I'm sorry you're going through this. Since you were having unprotected sex, your DH can't come back and say he didn't think you'd get pg. I mean, what did he think would happen?

I don't have any advice. The only thing I can think of is to keep talking to him about it. He needs to know how you're feeling.

MrsHell06

I wrote my hubby a letter just last week saying he needs to help and care, I had a little cry fest but he's trying.   Its hard also when you read all the happy happy posts on here about great husbands.  I don't have any advice besides keep trying and hope that he comes around eventually. Good luck!

mrstommyp

I think it's really hard for men to get on board, especially at first.  Someone at DH's work gave him a book he read when his wife was pg, and it just sat on the bedside.  He only wants to go to dr.'s visits where I know I'll have an ultrasound.  He begrudgingly sat through childbirth classes with me and complained about them to anyone who would listen.  He also doesn't want to listen to me read facts from my books. 

Deep down inside though I know he is just as excited as me, it comes out in different ways though.  He painted, and repainted the nursery until it was perfect.  He installed a ceiling fan because he heard it helps with SIDs.  He just recently put together all the different toys and things "so that our pets can get used to having them around."  He cooks a lot, and gives in to every craving I have.  Ever since he felt her kick, he talks to my stomach almost every night before bed. 

Hopefully your DH will come around some.  Just know that it probably will be a different kind of excitement than what you are expressing....

Jennywren82

My DH wasn't a huge fan at first. I also felt a little upset, but eventually they do turn around.

Also, IMO, if your DH was having unprotected sex with you, then he has accepted the consequences of possible pregnancy. I told my husband this after we had unprotected sex and he became upset with the idea of me being pregnant. I laid it out for him and told him that you can't change your mind afterwards.

I don't agree with the whole book thing. I don't think it will help him, and you pressuring him to read it might make him pull away more. Wait till you get your first ultrasound (hopefully at 8-12 weeks). That was the moment that it became real for DH. He suddenly became happy and at the same time, scared sh!tless. He still isn't wonderfully supportive, some guys just aren't. But he understands what is going to happen, has accepted it, and made adjustments to be more understanding of my feelings and actions.

Give him a little time. For some guys, its the final end of "bachelorhood." This is the final stake in the coffin for guys who still like to act like little boys.

Good luck, and just use the boards for any venting/questions that can't be answered by your docs or google.?

tboneangel87

My DH has been super supportive, but I am sorry to hear yours, and some other ladies, aren't. As for books, my DH really liked the books "What to Expect When your Wife is Expanding" and "So You're Going to Be a Dad". They were more comic, had facts, but were much more geared to the male way of thinking. He liked that they weren't very sentimental and mushy, and really kept things in focus.

Hope that helps.

 

LisaRuiz23

Thanks so much for all of the post I feel a little better! And to answer some of your questions he has always been supportive of me in all my other life aspects. And he does do a couple things that do show a little excitement, like buying a georgia bulldogs onesie, and putting together our stroller, we should be having our first ultrasound ina  couple weeks so maybe that will make it more real, And I didnt plan on havin a baby to bring us closer, we have a good marriage already, I did think that going through this together would bring us together in a way we hadnt experience before tho...  Im relieved to hear tho that im not the only mommy 2 be going through this! Thanks so much for the outpouring of support, this is such a great website! And I will try one of the books suggested, I was looking for something will more of a comical view I think he would enjoy that, and it would make me feel like he was more involed. Thanks again!!