XP Advice: Dating a Single Dad

versed

TIP mentioned I might look here for advice ...?I had my first date with a single dad the other night, and we really hit it off. I knew about his 7-yr-old going in to it, and I think I'm good with it. He has his son half-time. He's already let me know how his son fits into dating: he doesn't introduce him?until it's been a while and he feels this is a long-term thing.?Just looking for tips/advice from ladies who have dated dads before.TIA!?

EllaAdam

Being a single mom and in the dating world once -- these were my big turnoffs'

--if the guy didn't understand that she could interrupt us doing ANYTHING - i.e...watching movies, eating dinner, etc, if we had it at my house and she was supposed to be asleep.

-- that I was VERY busy because of my DD, and that I wasn't blowing them off by not being able to commit to dates right away

-- that sometimes I would only be able to go to dinner and not do anything else because I had a babysitter for only a short period of time

-- when the guy became frustrated with DD if she acted up

-- when the guy didn't understand that she was my first priority, such as if she was sick -- I would have to cancel a committment with him even if it had been planned for awhile.

These are just some of the issues I ran into while dating, I think overall -- Patience and understanding are key! You're walking into an established life / routine and it can sometimes be difficult on the parent because they are torn between dating and being the mom / dad....as long as your patient and laid back and don't push anything, its always a very easy transition into seeing if the relationship will go anywhere.

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

I will say this and I hope this doesn't sound horrible because I love my step daughter and my husband with all my heart. BUT -if I knew then what I know now I may have never let myself fall in love with DH. Being a stepmother is the hardest thing I have ever done and I have had a horrible time dealing with BM and having another woman dictate my life in so many ways. Obviously this is the path I chose and I really do love my life and my family but I don't know that back then, before I was in love, if I would have let myself get involved -knowing now how hard it is ---does that make sense??? But, if you decide to give it a go my best advice is to take things sloooow, and don't get discouraged because there will be ups and downs.

MrsSledge

Remember his world probably (rightly) revolves around his son.  If you don't have kids, you don't quite understand, but you can try to.  

flyingsaucer

I have a 7 year old SS (Who I have known since he was 3).  I ADORE him.  Being a step parent has been a wonderful experience for me.  My DH handles things very well.  I DO NOT deal with SS's mom.  AT ALL.  She is not my problem.  I don't need to be her friend.  DH handles everything to do with her and that has made the difference.  She does not even have my home number.  (We see eachother at SS's events and are friendly to eachother, hello, goodbye, not much more).  You have to be a BIG person to handle this.  You can't be upset cuz he has to cancle dinner to take the kid to the doctor or whatever.  If you are mature and so is he, you will be fine.

aulrobbri

Dated and married one. It is hard like all relationships but well worth. I think the fact that he does not involve his son at first speaks VERY highly of him. Also speaks highly that he has him 1/2 the time. I would make the first meeting in a fun place like a park where there is soemthing to do and not somewhere like a sit down resturaunt where you HAVE to make conversation at first.

CurlyQ284

If he is a good father, you will never come first.  That can be difficult for some people to accept that, so it's something to take into consideration.  Your life is completely different dating a dad.  My ex and I used to go out drinking with his friends.  FI and I sit on the bench at the jungle gym with his girls, about the same age as your date's son.  When we have the kids with us, I spend my nights spelling words for them to write notes to their cousins and attaching glitter to various art projects, applying the 4th or 5th Hannah Montana tattoos.  It's definitely different!

taagent

I met DH when SD was 5 she is now almost 9.  It is hard being a stepparent and even dating a father.  PP are right, you come second, it is hard to find your place in the relationship.  The fact that he has rules about introducing women to his son is great.  It will also help you and he build a relationship before the introduction to a ready made family. 

Depending on the BM it can be REALLY stressful.  My best advice is to tread lightly, take it slow, and if you are introduced to the child just keep in mind it will only get harder but can be very rewarding!

xmaryrickx

Patience, grasshopper. I repeat that all the time, and think it is the most important thing when dating a parent.
You will not always come first, but I disagree with everyone else, there are times when you should come first. Obviously, if a horrible tragedy occurs that goes out the window, but building a strong relationship takes commitment, and if he can't balance that it will be tough, if not impossible to build a strong lasting relationship. I think this is why there is such a high failure rate of second marriages.
If the childs mother is not a pleasant person, I would not try to be peace maker. Stay out of it. If she is nice, and normal, then great, maybe you two can be cordial.

hindsight's_a_biotch

  Meh, H comes first unless the children have a pressing need. Someday, my children will grow up and move out on their own. But my husband and I will be together hopefully until we are old and gray. While I want my children to grow into responsible adults, I also want to nurture my relationship with my husband.

 A good birth parent knows how to balance the two and include their SO as well. Personally, I would steer clear of anyone who makes repeated pronouncements about how their child comes first. To me, it shows someone who isn't willing to compromise and only see things in black and white. Not only will he not make room for you where he can, he will constantly and consistantly throw your relationship under the bus in even the most minor of circumstances. An inability to prioritize will hurt this kind of relationship more than anything else.

 Secondly, you yourself have to be understanding and intuitive, knowing when his children take priority, when to stand back and when to be involved. If you figure out where you fit, you can help with alot of those who comes first issues and they won't be that big of a factor.

 I mentioned this in my other response but I'll elaborate. It's early in the relationship. You're not even sure where this will go. So my best advice is not to worry about this other stuff. You'll find out along the way whether this is going to work out for your guys or not. The most important thing you can do right now, is find out what the co-parenting situation is. While she doesn't dictate the terms of your relationship, she will be a force to be dealt with. I'm sure many of the ladies here might not have been so willing to fall in love with a man had they realized some crazy chick would be banging on their doors all hours of the night, keying their cars, playing passive aggressive head games or if they knew they'd spend the majority of their marriage and finances on court costs. Find out what you can, then ask yourself, do I want to deal with her happy ass for the rest of my life?

 For me, X is a douche but I don't deal with him often. But for some girls, it's a never ending cycle of bad weekend, therapy, arguments with the H, etc. Only you can decide how worth it this is going to be.

Keri6789

I'm not going to sugar coat it...Its hard.  DH and I started dating and 5 days after BM found out about me she filed for custody.  They had been separated for years and it worked fine but when she found out about me all hell broke lose.  There was 1 night when she was going insane and I couldn't take it anymore and said I wanted out.  We worked things out but you need to be prepared for everything.  I have been called every single name in the book and there is nothing I can do about it.  I agree with the other person that said its hard to have another woman run part of your life.  I was completely honest with DH about how I was feeling and that I didn't know if I was stong enough.  DH and I moved in together and I had to leave every other weekend.  I couldn't sleep in my own bed for 6 nights a week.  If you think the relationship is worth it then go for it.  Just know that it can be hard.  If someone would have told me all this I think I would have been better prepared for what was going to happen.  USE THIS BOARD!!  These people have so much experience and are wonderful!

FloF9

The problem with a single dad is that they are child-centric.  This is very difficult to break.  They have the divorced dad guilt (even if they weren't married to child's mother) and will only be able to focus on the child. 

Be prepared to have him expect you to love his child automatically.

Don't rush things with him, because you both need to come up with a strategic plan in how to handle things: discipline, chores, visitation, house rules, etc....

Don't assume things will work out without TONS of communication.

If you begin to get serious I would recommend some sort of counseling - and be wary of guys that don't think counseling will help.

momsthree

xmaryrickx:

Patience, grasshopper. I repeat that all the time, and think it is the most important thing when dating a parent.
You will not always come first, but I disagree with everyone else, there are times when you should come first. Obviously, if a horrible tragedy occurs that goes out the window, but building a strong relationship takes commitment, and if he can't balance that it will be tough, if not impossible to build a strong lasting relationship. I think this is why there is such a high failure rate of second marriages.
If the childs mother is not a pleasant person, I would not try to be peace maker. Stay out of it. If she is nice, and normal, then great, maybe you two can be cordial.

Good advice.  My SO is a father to 3 kids, who are all wonderful.  It is my first time in a relationship with a single dad.  It is wonderful, however to be able to see the quality of the man in the way that he parents.  Kids should always come first........I experience both sides.  My two older boys have a SM and it is best for us to stay away from each other.  My ex has obviously told her God knows what and made her less than pleasant. To that I say oh well, as long as she is good to my boys....