am I being pushy? — The Bump
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am I being pushy?

My sil is pregnant, due in June.  I've been telling her since day one that I wanted to throw her baby shower- it's my first niece, after all.  Well, a few weeks ago she tells me that her best friend was throwing it.  Ok, that's fine, but I really, really want to be involved.  I don't want to take over or anything, I just want to take part in making this day really special for he- even if it's just doing little grunt work things like making favors or addressing envelopes.  But I get the feeling that her bf wants to do it all on her own- even though she hasn't started any planning and the shower's supposed to be the first week of April.  I've written her an email and she wrote back saying she hadn't really started any planning but had an idea and I wrote her back with my ideas.  I just don't want to come off pushy, like I'm trying to take over, but I really want her to know that I want to have an equal part in this.  She's also letting SIL help with the planning which I think is a BIG no-no.  This is for her!  All SIL should do is supply the date that's good for her and a guest list.  And the bf doesn't want my MIL to help out, even though MIL is really wanting to be a part of it, too.  My sis didn't ask MIL or SIL for help, and I know MIL felt really left out of my shower (MIL offered, but my sis said she was fine and didn't need help, i guess.)  

So, I guess my question is... am I being pushy by telling her that I really want to be involved?  Or should I just leave it at that one email and stop mentioning it to her (and SIL)?

Re: am I being pushy?

  • I wouldn't say pushy but I would say that you've done all you can at this point.  You offered your help - whether she wants it or not is up to her.  I don't know how close to your SIL you are but do realize that you are her SIL and your MIL is her MIL, you aren't her sister and mother.  Her best friend is likely closer to her and she probably feels that she has more time with you having a new baby and all.  And the friend probably wants to be sure that the mom is comfortable with things being planned, I don't see anything wrong with that.  I am not comfortable at showers, being the center of attention.  I insisted on being involved in my first shower and I'm glad I did.  I certainly didn't plan it and do all the leg work but I knew what to expect and was more comfortable that way.  I would let it be and hope that if the friend needs you she'll tell you.
  • I'm sorry =( but it does sound a bit pushy. If they wanted you involved you've given them every opportunity to let you be involved. Maybe her and the best friend want to take care of it on their own. I know that showers are for the pregnant lady but I personally was pretty involved with the planning of mine. I know it's a big no no but it was so much fun and my sisters were kind of clue less about what to do (no kids or pregnant friends of their own). So they did all the leg work and I came up with most of the ideas. At this point I would let it go if I were you and just wait around for them to tap you for some help if they'd like.


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  • I agree- just let it be. You told them you are ready and willing to help- If they want your help, they will ask you for it...

    Side note- I didn't want to be part of the planning for my wedding or baby showers! My sisters planned both for me and I enjoyed the both events being a surprise! I had so much wedding planning to do and baby planning to do, that it was nice to have someone else take care of the showers!!!

  • i agree with all of the pp.  i dont thing that you are being pushy, and i can see why you would want to be involved, but you have now done all you can, the ball is in their court, so to speak, and they should reach out to you if they need you.
  • Agreed. I don't think you're being pushy, you are her sister after all, but I think you've made it clear that you want to help. If they want to ignore the fact that you're ready and willing to be a part of the shower planning, their loss. I does suck though, I really hope you end up getting to help out! :)



  • Oh man....let me tell you, I'm having my shower in March and having problems with MIL. She said from the beginning "I wanna do it but if I'm doing it I don't want anyone's opinion at all", I thought that was beyond rude. I mean I love her to death but sheesh! Anyhow, my mom's planning most of mine and is taking help from MIL. In your case I don't think you're being too pushy, but I guess you can only get so far with things. Maybe your SIL's bf is kinda like my MIL? Maybe she wants to do it all and doesn't wanna tell you. I totally get that you wanna be involved so why don't you just bring it up to your MIL if you don't wanna tell your SIL about it? Maybe that way both of you can talk to her bf together.


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  • personally I would just throw her a separate shower with just your side of the family, maybe before the one her friend is planning as long as she will have other people to invite to the other one. that way you can have one that you and MIL can have your part in Your celebration for her...or you can throw a welcome home baby after baby comes home.

    the 1st option may come off in a bad way but the 2nd personally I would love!!!

  • I talked to SIL tonight about it and she said that she was going to be the pushy one and tell her bf that MIL and I better be involved with the shower lol  She wants us to be a part of it!  Her bf just likes things her way, and I totally get that. 

    Oh, and I wouldn't throw a shower w/my side of the family b/c SIL doesn't know them, and her family is just my DH and her parents. 

    As for the first post, yeah, she's not my sister and MIL is not my mom, but they're still my family and love them as if they were my sister and mother :-/  That's why I would do anything for her shower, why I wanted to be the one to throw it because I wanted it to be a gift from me (dh and i were going to pay for the whole thing, but still have her few best friends help plan it.) 

  • You're too sweet. I'm glad SIL is going to speak up for you =) Sounds like you'll make it a beautiful event.
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