Frustrated

babyaustin725

We all know James's work schedule has been really difficult on me.

The other day he sends me a text message while he's at work asking how I would feel about him going fishing for a few days in May.  I told him I wasn't interested in thinking about it right then, because I was really struggling with how much he's been gone.  Tonight he asked me again, and I said that as long as it's not on Mother's Day, I'd be okay with it.  Well guess what.  He would be getting home on Mother's Day evening.  I told him I would appreciate that he not be gone for Mother's Day.  He doesn't get it.  He thinks I'm being unreasonable.  He said we could celebrate it another time.  We had to do this for New Year's Eve already because he had to work and he's going to be working on Valentine's Day night, so we will have to celebrate that at another time as well.

He doesn't feel any sentiment about holidays, but I do and I am grouchy that he is even trying to convince me to be okay with him being gone for Mother's Day.  I didn't tell him not to go, I just told him I would appreciate it if he wasn't gone for Mother's Day...which could mean him going maybe a different time, or for Heaven's sake, coming back a day early.

Am I being unreasonable?

MissLauraQ

In my opinion - nothing you've told us is unreasonable.  But (and this is only me using what info I have from posts and never meeting you!) - but he's one of those guys who "Goes to work and you take care of the kids" and he can't be bothered with changing his life.  Now I know what I said is extreme, but is that how he thinks generally?

If it is - then to HIM yes, you are being unreasonable.  For men who don't change their life much because they became fathers - it's just that way.

I have a friend who has to take care of the her kids 24/7 and he refuses to help, or help with the house (and he hardly makes a living, and is on unemployment 6 months of the year!) And the weekends he leaves to go fishing never considering that maybe she'd like to have a weekend to herself.

 

tfarabians

I think you should tell him ok but your planning to go away to a spa for the weekend on father's day weekend and he will take care of Tillman all weekend long! 

That said yeah I'd be ticked!

sdgirl6/7/06

tfarabians, I like how you think!!

baby_austin, I would be livid! I am huge holiday person (I don't care if Hallmark made them up) and when we started dating, I told DH that it was VERY important to me that we celebrate the major holidays and although it wasn't super important to him, he has always honored that. It sounds like you and I feel the same way about these special days, and you are already celebrating V'day later, so I say WTF, he needs to come home a day early!!!

cmcmillan

I think tfarabains said it best.  If he is up for you having a girls weekend over Father's Day then by all means don't change the fishing plans.  I would also be upset, and I agree with what you told him.  Are you leaving it up to him to make the decision, now that you have voiced your opinion?

MissBlush

From what you've said in the past, it doesn't seem like he appreciates you. ?I think that ignoring Mother's Day is a slap in the face. ?I would have been upset a long time ago, so I would have totally lost if over this. ?I don't think you're overreacting at all.

MrsHeidiR

I think you are an incredibly patient person.  You are really putting up with a lot with the schedule etc. and it doesn't seem like he realizes that.  You are definitely not being unreasonable.

I think Tiff hit the nail on the head!! 

What would he actually say if you insisted on a weekend for yourself?  Has he ever taken kid duty for a couple days on his own?  Maybe he really does need a little dose of that to gain appreciation (and it sounds like you could use the break.)  I know I have gotten the greatest appreciation from DH in the past when I have left him to handle everything on his own for a weekend. 

Seattle_JiLLn

The problem will be though if does stay and if he holds a grudge on this, that he'll sulk on Mothers Day and be like "OK I'm here, so now what do you want?" and ruin it even worse. 

So I guess you have to decide if it really is worth making him stay or not... or if he really could make it up to you somehow...

I think you need to say to him that you understand that he's not sentimental about holidays but that you need HIM to understand that you ARE.  And that you've already given up 2 holidays this year, and that Mothers Day is really important to you.  And even if it's not important to HIM that you hope that YOU are important enough that he will take your feelings into consideration.   And then let him make a decision I guess.

But your'e not being unreasonable.  I think he's being an ass.

scarletii

Hey Emma!  Sounds like he thinks it's ok if he's there for part of the day.  I think maybe he doesn't realize that it's not just about it being Mother's Day but that you want to feel appreciated and loved, and going fishing doesn't show that to you.

I would tell him that it would really hurt your feelings if he went.  (And, yes, I would be M-A-D, too!)

JRS72206

tfarabians:

I think you should tell him ok but your planning to go away to a spa for the weekend on father's day weekend and he will take care of Tillman all weekend long! 

That said yeah I'd be ticked!

I like this idea. 

cwhip77

I would be mad and hurt too!  I like Jill's response.  I personally wouldn't take off on Father's day just to teach him a lesson, that seems vindictive and doesn't really help with the problem.  I would explain to him that these types of things mean a lot to you, and you need him to put in some more thought and effort into your relationship. 

Seattle_JiLLn

cwhip77:

I would be mad and hurt too!  I like Jill's response.  I personally wouldn't take off on Father's day just to teach him a lesson, that seems vindictive and doesn't really help with the problem.  I would explain to him that these types of things mean a lot to you, and you need him to put in some more thought and effort into your relationship. 

I totally agree.  Keeping score, getting back at him, etc doesn't do anything productive.   Plus, since he obviously doesn't care about holidays he probably wouldn't even care that you missed father's day.

babyaustin725

Tht thing with going away on Father's Day is that he wouldn't care.  Like I said, he doesn't care much about holidays.  It wouldn't be like I was even giving him a dose of his own medicine or anything, because he wouldn't feel hurt by this.  He might be a little stressed with having to deal with Tillman for a whole weekend alone, but he wouldn't be hurt the same way that him missing Mother's Day would be hurtful to me.