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What is the right reason for wanting to have a child?
Someone in the single-child post mentioned that wanting to give your DC siblings is not the right reason to have a child. That surprised me, mostly because I think it's a perfectly valid, legitimate reason.
So, in your mind, what IS the right reason for wanting to have a child (or...another child)?
Dear Bump: You suck.
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Re: What is the right reason for wanting to have a child?
That someone was me!!
If we were to have another one right now, it would only be b/c we want DD to have a sibling. I dread having a newborn again and going through all that. Neither DH or I really want another child right now. I don't feel it's the right motivation to try for another child, just so DD can have a sibling. I want to have a desire to add to our family and feel it's the right thing to do.
I am sure if I did get pg, we would love and adore that child, just like we do DD. (And DD wasn't planned and that did not affect our love for her one bit). But I guess I know what I am getting into more this time around. It was really tough in the beginning. So I want to be prepared as much as possible next time, and that means being ready for a baby, which I just am not. So the motivation of creating a sibling isn't enough for me.
However, if I could adopt internationally tomorrow, I would. That for me is very different and something I feel I am ready for. I would love to provide a child a loving home. I would love to provide opportunity for a child that might not have it. I would love for a child that has no home to be welcomed into ours. I would love to take to add to our family in that way.
If we do have a child naturally again, I want to make sure we are both ready and that it's the right thing to do for us and our family.
That statement surprised me too...I don't agree with it. So, I am curious to see the responses to this post.
I think that is the important part of the statement...everyone can place different levels of importance on the different reasons for having kids. For some of us, giving our kids the experience of having siblings is reason enough to have another one. For others, like Abrooks, there are other issues at play that might override providing siblings and they are perfectly legit!!!
I think everyone has their own reasons for wanting a child. I feel that as long as the reasons aren't in vain and for the best interest of the child, then that's all that matters.
DH and I want children because we feel that we would be great parents and teachers. We grew up with great foundations, and want to share that with our own children. Not only that, we want to continue on our family legacy and keep the lineage going. I would love to see my parents (my mom especially) as grandparents. With my grandmother passing away last week, it really helped bring things into perspective- and I'm just ready for the next chapter (hopefully it will include children) in our lives...while we still have one left.
What an interesting question. I sat here and asked myself, "why did I decide I wanted to have a child?" For a very long time, I never thought I would have children at all. I wanted to enjoy my life, on my terms, doing what I wanted, when I wanted, without having the "complication" of a child. Then as I got older, I realized I wanted to share all of these things I loved doing with a child. I wanted to nuture someone. I wanted to raise someone to be a productive humanbeing. I wanted to continue family traditions with my own family. I wanted to share life with a little person, watch them grow into an amazing adult, and watch those traditions I passed to my child, hopefully get passed on to my grandchildren. It was the desire for a family and contributing to future generations. It was the idea of passing part of myself on to future generations. Is that the "right" reason, I don't know. It was however my reason.
Now, the decision to have a second child - for me personally, choosing to have a second child just so DD has a sibling doesn't feel right. I have an older brother. If my mother told me she decided to have another child because she wanted my brother to have a sibling, I would be pretty upset. I hope I wasn't brought into this world just because my brother needed a little entertainment. I also hope I wasn't brought into the world so my brother wouldn't be the only one responsible for my parents when they got older. I hope my parents decided to have me because they wanted a larger family. They wanted more children to share the traditions with and to nurture. If I ever have another child (which is highly unlikely), I will be having that child because I want a larger family, have more love I want to give, and have the desire to raise another wonderful humanbeing.
Here's why I am unlikely to have another child. I don't think I am at a point in my life where I could take on another child and do a good job. I don't think, with everything I have on my plate, that I would be able to raise two children the way I want. As we all know, raising a child takes a lot of time, patience, and love. I know I have enough love to raise another child, but I don't think I have the time, the patience, and the mental energy to do it. A child deserves the best I have to offer. I don't think I would be at my best if I had another. I am at my best with one. I wouldn't want both of my children to suffer because I was spread to thin and not able to offer all of myself.
Sorry that was so long. Once I got started, I couldn't stop.
Out of curiosity, would you adopt an older child? Also, if you don't want another child right now, why would you want to adopt "tomorrow" if you could? Having a child biologically or by way of adoption is no different--either way you end up with another child. I hope this doesn't come off as snarky or mean (tone does not convey), but I found this very interesting.
My reason is very similar to this. ?I want to have family younger than me that can support me when I'm older. ?I value family so much, that it makes sense to me to have my own children and experience everything my parents did. ?It gives me such a new perspective on life and I understand a lot of why my parents are the way they are now. ?It's interesting experiencing unconditional love. ?I don't get grossed out by the things he does near as much as anyone else that may do the same thing, etc. ?Anyway, it has made me a better person, IMO, not that I was bad before, it's just very humbling and it gives you a better idea of where you came from, since everyone was once there...?
Huh. I can think of countless "wrong" reasons to have child - like, to save your marriage. Or because you think it will fill a void in your life. Or because babies are just so cute.
But a right reason? That's a much harder question than it should be. I'd love to get into an anthropolgy/community/socialogy discussion because I find those topics fascinating. But that's all just theory, not feelings.
I never planned to have DS, but once he came along he was mine and mothering feelings took over. I wanted to have DD for DH's sake. He missed the baby phase, and I wanted him to experience that. And I want a third simply because I think having two close in age will make our lives a lot easier down the road. I think how much happier DS might be if he had a sibling close in age to play with.
Those could be wrong reasons in someone's opinion, too. Its all about perspective, I guess.
This is interesting, because I'm kind of on the flip side of the "have another for the sake of the DC" situation. I was an only child, and I was totally fine with it. I might have wanted a bro or sis at some point when I was little, but most of my life I've been glad to be an only child - so I don't think giving my kid a sibling will even come into play at all if/when we decide to have another. It'll purely be my own selfish reasons, I guess. I feel like I'll want another. I think that (much as I dread the infant stage), I'll miss it and want to do it all over again at some point. This is the same sentiment that makes me think that although I've always said 2 is enough, I might eventually even want a 3rd later on.
I agree with everyone that said that people's reasons for wanting another or NOT wanting another are totally personal. I'd really worry if someone I know said they wanted another because they thought it would help their marriage or something like that, but I think most people's reasons either way are legit.
Most of my reservations have to do with having a newborn. It was one of the lowest periods of my life when I had DD. It was very, very difficult on me, our marriage, and I am sure I wasn't the best mom I could have been to DD. My reservations aren't with having a child in general, but with having a newborn and all that entails. We are interested in adopting internationally, and the you ngest a child could possibly be is 6 months for the programs we are considering. Plus it takes 9 months to a year to get through the process. So for us, that timing and age would be good. (However, that isn't the reason we are looking at international adoption just to be clear.)
We aren't 100% opposed to having another child biologically. We just aren't ready yet and don't foresee feeling ready to try very soon. The only reason we would start trying today is b/c we want DD to have a sibling. So since that is our only reason to TTC, for us we don't feel that is the right reason at this time.
To me, the right reasons for having a child are wanting to parent again, wanting a bigger family, feeling that your family isn't complete, wanting your child to have a sibling, etc. I include sibling because it's a lifelong relationship, and one day, when Mike and I are dead and gone, I want Meredith to have a sibling to share her life with. I want to know that she has other close family.
Some of the (IMO) "wrong" reasons to have a baby include thinking a baby will save a troubled marriage, wanting a baby because all your friends have one, because you want someone to love you, because you think it's "cool" or "neat".
As for international adoption vs. parenting a child born to you, I initially had the thought that IA would be so easy because you'd get a baby at least 6 months old and she (or he) would already be sitting up, babbling, etc., hopefully sleeping through the night, etc.
When Meredith was about 10 months old, I talked extensively with European Adoption Consultants (EAC) about their China program. I knew from friends who've adopted through them (Russia) that EAC really pushes parents to learn about attachment issues. They stressed to me: "Imagine that your baby, the one you have already, is adopted tomorrow by a nice Chinese couple and taken back to China. EVERYTHING in her world will be gone from her in a second. Nothing will smell, feel, taste, look or sound right to her. The language she has been learning will be gone, and she'll need to learn her new parents' language. She'll be given a new formula that is unfamilar to her and strange new foods. She won't have anything or anyone she knows. That is what your newly adopted child will experience. An infant or toddler won't understand that being adopted by you beats living in the orphanage or in a foster home - they'll only know that they've just lost their whole world."
That REALLY stuck with me, and we looked at adoption so much differently after that. Not all children who are adopted internationally have problems attaching to their parents, and not all children appear to grieve the loss of a caregiver or crib-mate, but some do. Adopting an infant from another country really could end up being easier than parenting a newborn from birth, or it could end up being much, MUCH harder. And you won't know if it will be easier or harder than having a newborn until your child is home. I would never discourage anyone from IA, because I do think it can be a very good thing for both parents and children, but after several years of reading adoption books, message boards, articles, talking to agencies and adoptive parents, I'd encourage hopeful parents to go into it with their eyes wide open, knowing everything that they possibly can.
Meredith, 6-1-06 and Alex, 11-5-09
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Or how about just wanting someone to pay for your nursing home?
Wait - that's NOT a good reason to have a kid???
Meredith, 6-1-06 and Alex, 11-5-09