Help me not be a butt

babyaustin725

As I have vented a few times already, James is working nights.  He works 7-7.  He gets home around 7:30am, goes to bed around 9:00am, wakes up at 5:00pm, we have dinner and he leaves at 6:00pm. 

I have a very difficult time not putting up a wall when scheduling things like this occur, when I don't see him hardly at all.  It makes me feel lonesome to be without him, to not sleep in bed with him, so I just put up a wall and go on like a single mom so I don't feel bad.  He's starting to notice and today as he was leaving, he asked me to try to be less of a butt to him.  I told him I wasn't being anything and he said that was how I was being a butt.  I know it's true, I just don't know what to do about it. 

We talked in our limited time this morning about how difficult it is for me when he works like this, but there is really nothing that can be done.  I told him we just need to push through and when it's over he can take me out to a nice dinner. 

Any advice on how I can stop being a butt?  I don't want to make him feel like I don't want him around, but I don't want to feel bad either so I build my wall. 

Seattle_JiLLn

why don't you just say "I just hate it when you're gone so much.  I get lonely, but I don't want you to feel bad because I know you're doing what you need to for our family.. so I just try to not cry.  Sorry I don't mean to make you feel bad."

JRS72206

I'm no help. I would do the same thing in your situation. ((HUGS))

CDMay2006

when weve had schedules like that i 'forced' him to spend time with me, even if that meant one or both of us missed out on a little sleep. could you have a special breafast together? maybe you set up your little man with a movie and have a grown-ups breakfast w/dh. even if it was only 1x a week it would show you are trying, and give you both a chance to catch up a bit.

MissBlush

Does he recognize how much strain his schedule put on you? ?It sounds like you never get a break. ?I know how hard it is for me on days (like today) when DH works 24 hrs and I have to do everything alone. ?If he doesn't appreciate what you do, that could breed resentment.

Even if he can't spend much time with you at home, he should at least be doing little things to let you know he cares, like leaving you a note, sending you a sweet email, bringing you flowers, etc. ?You shouldn't have to be starved for love just because he isn't physically present. ? He can show love in other ways to tide you over until his schedule changes.

sunmountain

 I'm sorry, this must be very hard.

Remember that he is not doing this because he wants to make you miserable, it's because he has to to care for his family which is a way better alternative than not having a job. Count your blessings. I don't mean this in a condecending tone.

Get out of the house by yourself if you can and get someone to take kid duty if that's an option so you don't feel resentful of carrying the child care duty. It's your job but we all need a break.

Put on a happy face even if you aren't for the duration.

Either now or when this schedule is over talk about it when you're both in the frame of mind to communicate openly without the edge and stress of the situation with proposed solutions to getting through it in a different way.

Go to John Gottman's "Making Marriage Work" Seminar coming up this spring.  The advice is really great and can help in hard times. You can find info here: https://www.parentmap.com/pathways

Mama_v2.0

The only thing I can think of is, push DC's bedtime back so that DC sleeps in till 8 or 8:30, so you and DH can get some alone time. At nap time (for DC) go in quietly and snuggle up with DH and take your own nap with DH.

I am sure your DH would rather spend more time with you and he is suffering just as much as you are (possibly more.) Try to stay as possitive as possible and keep yourself busy in and out of the house. 

pearly1

baby_austin7/25:

I have a very difficult time not putting up a wall when scheduling things like this occur, when I don't see him?hardly at all.? It makes me feel lonesome to be without him, to not sleep in bed with him, so I just put up a wall and go on like a single mom so I don't feel bad.? He's starting to notice and today as he was leaving, he asked me to try to be less of a butt to him.? I told him I wasn't being anything and he said that was how I was being a butt.? I know it's true, I just don't know what to do about it.?

I find that the times my relationships deepen and grow the most are the times when I allow myself to be vulnerable, no matter how hard it is.

Could you try saying something like,"I'm sorry I'm being a butt to you sometimes lately. I just miss you a lot right now and it makes me feel lonely, and so I try to protect myself from those feelings by acting like I won't miss you when you're gone. I appreciate the hard work you're doing for us and I don't want to make you feel bad."

It may let him understand how you feel without making him feel guilty about not being around, and he may respond that he feels the same way you do. You may end up feeling closer and like you're going through this hard time together.?

And I agree with pp, if you can sneak in for 10 minutes of snuggle time when he goes to bed or when he wakes up, that can be precious.

I'm sorry you have to go through this... hang in there!?

spacystasi

I'm sorry, that would be really rough =(  I think the other ladies have some great ideas, and I think keeping the communication open is really key.  I would definitely apologize and admit that you miss him, then maybe you can surprise him by leaving special notes.  Maybe each of you can write a letter to each other every day?

sdgirl6/7/06

I have no advice for you,but wanted to share that my DH leaves home around 7.45am and returns around 10.00pm, Monday through Friday. When he has projects at work, he also goes in on the weekend, so yes, I feel like a married but single parent ALL THE TIME. Atleast in your case, his schedule will change soon. If DH couldn't support us and I had to work, I would kill my self right now, 'cause I couldn't work all day outside the home, only to come home and do all the baby care too.

He has been home the last few weekends, but like you, I've been grumpy..I think I just carry over my feelings from the week.

Seattle_JiLLn

I like the idea of leaving each other notes or letters every day... and I really think just opening up and telling him you're sad and you miss him woudl go a long way.  He probalby thinks you're pissed at him.  You should let him know you're not.