Am I being unreasonable? Disagreement with DH (kinda long)

charmcitygirl

My ILs live in NY and we live just outside DC.  In fact, we live about 4 minutes driving from our hospital - so lucky!  Normally, my ILs will stay with us when they come to visit for the weekend.

They would like to be called immediately when I go into labor and drive down to be there for the birth.  We are also raising our son Jewish, so we'll be having a bris 8 days after his birth and they are now planning to stay for that entire time - birth through the bris.

We have told them that when they come down for the birth that they are going to need to stay in a hotel.  They are pretty high maintenence people and we need to get used to being new parents and not entertaining and worrying about their needs.

Here's my issue - DH told his parents (and at the time I agreed) that they could stay at our house while I'm in the hospital since its so close.  But, the more I think about it, the more uncomfortable I am with that idea.  First, there is a hotel about 3 more minutes down the road that I assume they'll be staying in after we come home...not an inconveniece.  Second, I don't really want it to be a rotating door in my house when I'm not there.  Third, I don't want to have to worry about one extra towel or sheet to wash, if they have the proper food that they want, etc.  I know that because we're so close to the hospital that people will be coming in and out, but I am more and more uncomfortable with them staying here while we're in the hospital.

I told DH this last night and he disagrees.  He thinks that its not a big deal.  I'm sure he's also thinking about the cost to his parents to stay in a hotel since they have chosen to stay down here for so long.

Am I being crazy that I just don't want to deal with one extra thing while I'm in the hospital and when I come home?

JackiTiger

I can understand both sides on this issue.  My thoughts are to let them stay there while you're at hospital if they want to.  I don't think it will be too much of a rotating door with just the two of them.  And honestly, of course you don't want to stress about towels, sheets and food.  So...just don't.  If they're going to choose to stay there, they can fend for themselves.  They're grown, if they're high maintenance they'll have to figure it out on their own (you won't be there to deal with it).  You're doing them a favor and saving them a good amount of money by letting them stay.  That's where your assistance (and dh's) with the situation should end.

groovygrl

I haven't had to confront this situation but perhaps you could compromise & tell DH they can stay for those couple days as long as he (or they) promise to wash all sheets/towels & leave the guest room/bathroom clean so that you don't have to worry about it for the next guest.

But, if you're really uncomfortable, stand your ground, you don't need any additional stress at that time. GL.

smiles4ya

No you are not being unreasonable.

MoDchiCk

First question is can you afford to foot bill for their stay(room and tax only)???

If you can I would offer to them that it will be much easier on them to not have to pack and unpack a couple of times and have dh explain the extra work...the stress it would just make you both more comfortable knowing coming home will be under control. ?

I know how hard it is but nip it in the bud....My mil/siL knew I did not want anyone running to hospital as soon as we went into labor because we wanted to have that just to ourselves....I know she is already hatching a plan now that its scheduled .......?

and for the record You are right if its what you want!!!!! ? This is aLLLLLLL about you!

?

manda429

This is a typical fight with my DH. I make him do the work to do with cleaning the house before and cleaning up afterwards and wash my hands of it completely.  

charmcitygirl

Oh yeah, one more thing...DH said that he would take care of everything that his parents need.  But, my argument is that he should only be concerned with the baby, me and himself.  Not his parents!

Serendipity07

I don't think you're being unreasonable with your feelings - BUT, if you already agreed to it before and DH had already told them it was ok, it's kinda tough to go back on that. JMHO though...maybe DH can let them know in a nice way that you guys are going to have your hands SO full during that time, that you're sure they'll understand if you need help with some laundry and even if they could bring some grocery items that they'll need for their stay.

The bottom line is though, it's all about you and DH being happy and comfortable during this time. So if you truly feel you'd be uncomfortable or upset with them being there, then yes, DH should find a nice way to maybe let his parents know that will all that's going on and the pressure of being new parents and bringing a little one home, that it would make it easier and less stressful for EVERYONE if they could stay up the street from you. If you want things one way and DH wants them another way, if there a way for you guys to compromise or meet in the middle at all?

JackiTiger

Dh should be there for you and baby.  Parents should completely fend for themselves.  They do it at home.  Why can't they do it away from home?

pamela-matt

I can also see both sides.  I would not worry about someone staying at my house while I was in the hospital.  Have your DH take care of the preparations and the laundry after.  Just make sure they understand that they need to go to a hotel when you get home if that is what you want.

howleyshell

It's not unreasonable but....

 You've already agreed to it.

Renigging on the offer now will create more problems than just going thru with it.  Can you imagine going to YOUR mom and telling her that while you once said she could stay with you your husband now doesn't want her there?  Problems, problems, problems.

You won't be there.  You wouldn't even know about it as long as the sheets, towels, etc are taken care of.

I understand you wanting DH's attention to be on you and the baby.

Tell him that he needs to be direct with his parents and explain that he's not up for hosting.  They're welcome to stay but they will need to handle the wash before they leave.  He might also want to hint that any help they can provide in meal prep would be appreciated too.

As long as the expectation is set properly they CAN understand that they're not "guests" this trip. 

GL!

Shel

MNheidi

My ils stayed at my house the entire time I was in the hospital (5 nights w/ c/s).  For me, it was no big deal, my ils are great and I totally trust them to find what they need. 

I think it's up to you but I'm quite certain you won't be concerned w/ your ils and they're comfort - those days in the hospital are ALL ABOUT THE BABY & BREASTFEEDING.  But, if you think they're going to call every hour w/ a question about how to run the dishwasher or which towels to use, have them stay in the hotel.

mcppalmbeach

If this had come up before your DH talked to his parents, I would totally say it's fine to just have them stay at the hotel the entire visit. I had some of DH's family in the weekend of our shower and totally ended up regretting it and I love them. It just made extra work for me and although they "try" to help clean up, they don't know our house and it was just a pita. However, since your DH has already extended the offer, I have to say that you are kind of stuck. I am SURE that your in-laws will be conscious of the fact that you are coming home with a new baby and won't be wanting extra housework. If you don't think they will, then maybe have DH hire a housekeeper the day before you come home to get things done. 

trinny

Based on what you've said about them, I wouldn't want them staying at my house while I was away.  If you get home to stuff in the wrong place or a big mess, it could start the whole visit off in the wrong place. 

That said, it sounds like DH isn't going to budge and you may need to figure out how this can work and how to get your needs met.  Maybe give them a checklist of stuff that needs to be done before you get home?  

laura&dan05

I guess it depends what kind of people your ILs are and you mentioned they are high maintence. Unless your ILs are going to use the time at your house to cook, clean, and do laundry for you in preparation for you to come home then I think they should stay in a hotel.  The last thing you need to worry about is if they are comfortable or have what they need while you are in the hospital giving birth!  Plus you don't want to have to worry about coming home to dirty dishes and extra laundry.

I understand from a cost perspective that a 8 or so night stay at a hotel could add up quickly but it's their choice to stay for that many nights in a row.  They could easliy come after the baby is born and save $$ on a few nights hotel stay and still get to spend plenty of time with their grandson.

 

DavezWife

I would SOOOOO think the same way you are.

However, maybe not a battle worth picking.

I say make a nice basket of sheets, towels, treats, a GC to pizza? and a love note saying "thanks for fending for yourselves" and just have it ready for when they come. They'll understand. and you save the battle for when they WONT GO HOME!  ;-)

MayDayGirl

I would just let them stay... justask them to wash the sheets and towels and remake the beds.

I had 11 people staying at my house while I wa sin the hospital, but the day I came home, i would never have known people had been there. 

roaringrock

I totally agree with you! I think anything that anyone can do to make your life simpler and easier should be a given. this includes ILs staying at a hotel! no doubt you would be cleaning, organizing, buying food etc. before they arrive. you certainly don't need this added pressure. plus you don't need your MIL poking around your stuff (and possibly judging you) while you're gone. 1 or 2 additional nights at a hotel won't kill them.

GL! 

LuckySunshineBaby

I totally agree with you.  However, maybe as a compromise your DH could have Merry Maids or a service come in when you get home from the hospital and like 2 weeks later and do a great Clean.  Then it's the best of both worlds (b/c you are getting something out of the deal:).  Same thing with laundry (some services will pick up/drop off) or even the Merry Maids in our area will do laundry.  That way you are coming back to house that's totally clean and ready for you and visitors.  If it's in the budget, it would be a good help!

Mrs.RockyM

I don't think so at all, but I have a simliar situation.  My parents are coming down when I go into labor, but are going back home (3 hour drive) once the baby is born and then my mom (without my dad) is coming back when I come home from the hospital to help us out.  We'll need help with laundry, getting stuff for the baby, maybe cooking, cleaning, etc.   Sure she can help us with the baby too, but really we need to learn what we're doing.  I have no clue how to approach this with my inlaws and by the way DH thinks they'll come down when I go into labor and stay at our house for a couple of days. I'd much rather they come when we're home to help us out, rather than to be guests.   

Maybe it's selfish, but I DON"T CARE about making things convenient for other people.  It's not about what's easier for our parents, or our family, but about what's best for us and our child and what we need.  I don't want him running around after other people when his focus needs to be on US (me, baby, our immediate family).  Plus you want time to bond with your child without guests around and you guys need to start getting into your own routine. 

Can his parents come down after you have the baby?  I mean it's not like they're going to spend the entire 2 days with you at the hospital.  YOu're going to be having doctors in and out, and I"m sure you'd like other guests to come as well.  (I know our hospital has a limit - and that's what I'm using as my back up disclaimer!)

dundasgirl

I can see where you are coming from but it is only a couple of days.  I agree with what other people said regarding your hubby taking care of sheets etc.  Sucky that your inlaws won't be helping you out instead of being a nuisance.  My MIL stayed with us for the first two weeks and it was awesome since DH had to go back to work almost right away.  It is nice to have someone there to get you lunch or watch the baby while you shower:)