Domestic Adoption - Failed Matches ((LONG))

jacksjerseygirl

I've been really fortunate to connect with people who are using my agency, by coincidence, through online forums - some have recently completed an adoption while some are still listed on our agency's site as a waiting family but are currently matched (just no placement yet).

So it is nice to get 'independent' feedback about how their process has been with our agency and the experiences they have had. We are in the program for a enwborn with african american ancestry. The matches/placements are generally quick. The number of waiting families is, sadly, low. Re-match time, in the event of a failure, is generally quick. 'At risk' fees are generally low depending on the state that the BM is from.

What we have discovered is that 'usually' when a match fails the re-match is very quickly. I've talked with a couple of families that are generally happy with our agency, would adopt with them a second time, but the reality of failed matches has happened to almost all of them.

In one particular case (all of which happened over the course of three months from their 'active' date), the family was matched to only find out that the BM was signed with multiple agencies and that she and her sister had done this with prior pregnancies (never ending up in adoption but getting living expenses and medical paid for up until the point that they were 'found out'). After the agency discovered the BM was signed with other agencies they terminated the match. The same family was matched a second time (within a few weeks) - they became close to this BM - went to DR. appointments - and then found out that she was signed with like 9 agencies. Obviously this match was terminated as well. Their third match resulted in their beautiful baby boy and a good relationship with the BM.

There have been other cases of failed matches as well but those generally were unsuccessful because the BM made the decision to parent - which we respect.

Obviously with the 80/20 rule of success vs. failed matches - this is not common but not uncommon. In general, we respect BM for the decision they are considering and realize that if we are distrusting from the get-go then we run the risk of the match failing because we might make her uncomfortable.

So after my long story ... my question is this: for those who have adopted domestically or are adopting domestically: have you had a failed match and was it because of the BM exploiting the adoption process? How do you or did you guard yourself from this emotionally and financially? Does your agency perform a search with other agencies to ensure that your BM is not signed with multiple agencies? If so, do they do this before or after they have matched you?

 

 

kgs0505

Thanks for sharing these stories.  I am just beginning my domestic adoption process (raising the funds right now).  You have given me a great question to ask the lawyer I am going to sign with.  I know they do extensive background checks, but I wonder about checking with other agencies.  Thanks and good luck with your journey!  I hope you have a quick and successful match!

Amy720

We had a failed match.  Basically, we were matched very early (birthmother was only 3 months).  We met them and got a 800 number.  Everything was ok for a little while and then she started calling us saying if she wasn't given more money then she was going to cut the match.  My DH and I discussed this harrassment (as I call it in my book) and decided to cut the match with her.  Come to find out she had already did this to another family on a previous adoption and the agency knew it.  They thought she wouldn't do it again.  I believe the agency dropped her after she did it to us. Although we didn't really know for sure.  We did hear some things about this agency and the director that wasn't too good.

We didn't jump right back into the adoption ring.  We tried IVF and took from July 2006 to May 2007 to explore this option.  We then updated our homestudy and within 2 weeks our facilitator called us and said an agency had contacted them needing a family for a baby boy that was already born.  The facilitator knowing we'd had a failed match before and knowing that in that state the parents rights were terminated as soon as they signed the papers.

 Things happen in all situations.  Sometimes every thing goes great and sometimes things don't.  You just have to trust that things will work out. 

Dr.Loretta

So after my long story ... my question is this: for those who have adopted domestically or are adopting domestically: have you had a failed match and was it because of the BM exploiting the adoption process? How do you or did you guard yourself from this emotionally and financially? Does your agency perform a search with other agencies to ensure that your BM is not signed with multiple agencies? If so, do they do this before or after they have matched you?

We are actually still in the process of choosing an agency, but this hasn't directly come up in discussions with agencies, just in some of the research we've done. The agency we're leaning toward said that, surprisingly, about 50% of their placements are post-birth, so this situation wouldn't happen in those cases. When it comes to BM expenses, they set up a generic fund that you can "donate" to and they take out of it for BMs instead of having you deal directly with the BM you're matched with (I hope that makes sense). In reading your post, I realized this is probably one of the reasons they set it up this way, to give shady BMs less of an incentive.

A friend of mine who adopted told me one of her friends had this happen with the BM of the child she adopted. The woman basically said, "Give me $10K or you don't get the baby." It's a horrible situation to be put into. My friend told me this is one thing to go into with eyes wide open.

HTH. A little rambly, sorry.

TheNextWest

I have honestly never heard of a BM taking advantage of an agency/agencies like that. Maybe our placement happened too quickly for me to get that kind of information? All of the families we know of that had failed placements were bc the BM/BP decided to parent.

jacksjerseygirl

kgs0505:

Thanks for sharing these stories.  I am just beginning my domestic adoption process (raising the funds right now). 

Yep, a good question to ask and don't let this story scare you or make you doubt all BMs. In everything we do in life there is a bit of bad with the good.

Good luck with your journey

jacksjerseygirl

Dr.Loretta:

 

 The agency we're leaning toward said that, surprisingly, about 50% of their placements are post-birth, so this situation wouldn't happen in those cases. When it comes to BM expenses, they set up a generic fund that you can "donate" to and they take out of it for BMs instead of having you deal directly with the BM you're matched with (I hope that makes sense). In reading your post, I realized this is probably one of the reasons they set it up this way, to give shady BMs less of an incentive.

Thanks Dr. Loretta!

I will have to ask our agency the question of what % of babies are placed after birth - it's a good number to know.

Our agency does not have us directly deal with the BM in regards to financials. That is all handled through them and this does help eliminate questionable fees, howevever it is the medical and legal that are 'at risk' expenses for the APs and living expenses are optional. It seems that the BMs in the case I mentioned were using the adoption agencies for medical expenses to be covered and some living expenses.

sh4602

we had a failded mach.. basically it was the mother of the BM who wanted adoption... we were matched and she was due to havea c section in 2 weeks. than she went into labor that weekend. the only thing that made me mad was that we went out to where she was to meet them and the baby. we didnt as she desided not to to it.  we were matched with our son a month later.