What to say to a Birthmom????

Hi Ladies!!!

 I haven't been on this board for awhile-been SWAMPED with life in general-but I finally feel like my life is slowing down just a bit.  CONGRATS to any recent matches!!

 I do have a question for anyone who has been in a position like this....

DH and I are meeting with a birth mother in a few weeks.  She would like a private adoption-and similar to 517butterfly's post below-would like it as simple as possible-with no agency preferably-but rather just a lawyer.  She has asked to meet us.  Here's where I'm nervous!  I have no idea what to even say to her! That sounds so crazy-and I'm not trying to sound selfish, or unappreciative- for what she will potentially be doing for us-and the amazing beautiful gift that she is carrying, but I honestly don't know how to even start a conversation-because I know (or hope) that she is going to be just as nervous as we are.  I'm afraid I'll just burst into tears! 

 Anyone met face to face with a birthmom?  What did you talk about?  I don't want to make it all about the baby....I want to know about her, the birth father and about her life in general.  But I don't want to be to laid back either-if that makes sense.

Any help would be appreciative!


Re: What to say to a Birthmom????

  • As a birthmom, when I was looking to place my baby,  I wanted to know about the couple, their home, if they had other kids, what they liked to do. Do you have pictures or a family album you could take? Trips to show places you have been? Talk about your family, your goals in life, etc.

    She wants to know what you plan for the future and how she can see her child raised in your home. Just be yourself, and I definitely recommend taking pictures.

  • THANK YOU!!! I hadn't really thought about pictures!  Oh my....I've got my work cut out for me! :) I'm a photographer-you'd think I'd be more organized with my own photo's!  Not so much :)

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  • Take your profile with you at a minimum.

    Feedback we've received from our lawyer received about other couples (not us, we've not met a birthmom yet) was the following:

    - make sure you ask how she is feeling/doing
    - ask her what she'd like to know about you
    - don't talk about how YOU feel about the process, your IF, your struggles, your wait, etc. - feedback received from birthmothers was that this makes the adoptive parents seem very selfish and like they're only thinking about how the adoption impacts them
    - just be yourself

    Good luck!

  • Oh Erin! SO EXCITED!!! Like someone mentioned in a PP, I think taking your profile would be a good idea. And definitely a photo album with all kinds of pictures (you, house, pets, extended family and close friends that will be in child's life, etc). And definitely bring a camera with you. You want to have some photos of the first time you met....for the Life Book/Baby Book you make for the little one. :) (See how I'm already thinking positively LOL)

    I can't even imagine! I'd be a nervous wreck! I know you'll do great! Just be yourself.



  • I have a question..since i'm new to this board and havn't filled any apps did you find the birthmother? I'd love a private adoption like that...but not sure how to find a birthmother....was it something you were advertising for somehow...or merely a fluke?
    1 chemical and 1 loss at 9 weeks prior to DS
    IVF #1 1/10-transfered 2 blasts- DS born 10/2010

    Trying for # 2 since 2012.  2 failed FETS 1 failed IUI.
    IUI#2 4/14/14-- BFP !!!!! Beta #1 14dpiui= 45 Beta #2 16dpiui= 80  Beta #3 18dpiui= 88 (chemical pregnancy)
    March 2015- Chemical pg

    1/25/16- BFP  Beta1 12dpo = 17, Beta 2 14 dpo = 28.. resulted in one beautiful boy born 9/21/16 :)

    Now I'm a stay at home loving life and pursuing my love of photography!!!
  • Your situation sounds very much like mine.  When we first meet Charlie's birthmom we just talked.  I brought photos but really I did not show the photo's until the second meeting.  At first it was just small talk and than the conversation just started flowing.  I was very nervous and had no clue what we would say.  Just be yourself.  Charlie's birthmom was just as nervous as we were.  Good luck!  I think you will find a converstion just happens...

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