Adoption Advice

Nakale

I'm seriously thinking about adopting children.  Many people tell me that the child will feel out of place because I am not his/her birth mother and we may not look alike.  They also say the child will feel left out if I give birth to other chidlren.  I'm not sure what to think about this.  Should I go strictly one way or the other?  My dream ever since I was a little girl was to have a multiracial family of adopted children.  Should I stick with my dream, or is it in the best interest of the children?

 Thanks for the advice:)

MyColonyNJ

The best interest of any child is to be in a loving home.  If that loving home is a home with biological siblings, so be it.  I personally do not think it makes a difference if there are other kids, different races, a single parent, etc.

I really believe that what matters the most is love and stability

jacksjerseygirl

I think you should first start by educating yourself, and not by anecdotal stories from others.

So start by looking at adoption books - there are so many but if you are worried more about the psychology and sociology behind adoption I would start there.

You wont know what is the right path for you unless you educate yourself with real facts and real information/research. Not stories or ideas that uneducated people have - many of which might be antiquated views.

The child may feel different but they will only feel out of place (IMO) if you or your family/friends make them feel out of place. Different does not have to be a bad word - we should all embrace our differences. And, of course the child wont look like you because you are not their birth mom - but them not looking like you doesn't have to be a bad thing and it should be IMO embraced where they come from and what their roots are. You becoming their parent does not erase who they are, where they came from and what their geneology is.

We plan to be a trans-racial family, adopting an AA or biracial child and we plan to adopt two. We are doing that so that our child does have a sibling who 'looks' like them. But that is our choice and a decision we have made. We may have biological children in the future through surrogacy.

If you are willing to do the research, and are willing to be proactive in your child's life there is no reason that an adopted child cannot be well rounded and psychologically healthy in their adoptive family.

Knowledge is power.

Littlejen22

I am not from a multiracial family but I am adopted and never felt out of place.  My parents chose to adopt me and I always knew I was wanted, loved and not a mistake (for my "adoptive" parents at least.)  And BTW, they are my only parents in my mind...and I am grateful to my bio-parents for the decision.

silliestbunny

Agreeing w/pp about reading more and not relying on anecdotes...

Now contradicting and giving an anecdote

I was born 4 years after my only sibling, my sister, was adopted.  This was 40 years ago and a lot has changed...in fact very little is still relevant....but the one thing I am certain of is that my parents felt no differently towards my sister than they do towards me. I forget that she's adopted.  It's just natural.  I do credit my parents for good parenting and good senses.  It's human nature to love.    

TheNextWest

I agree with PP that you should read read read... HOWEVER, transracial adoption and a muliticultural family was something I knew I was supposed to do since I was 4 yrs old. Seriously, we have me on video at the age of 4 saying I was going to have a multicultural family. I did want to educate myself bc there are a LOT of things to take into consideration, but I will say choose your information carefully. Some of the books we read left a really bad taste in my mouth. Not bc I didn't want to face the facts, but bc I felt like they were written to make me feel one way or the other and weren't necessarily helpful as much as they were persuasive. If that makes sense?

I wanted facts, tips, etc. and also wanted to hear some experiences. I didn't want someone to tell me what MY childs life would be like, bc there was no way for anyone (including me) to know that.

I can tell you without a doubt that my children will never doubt my love for them. They will never be treated differently or loved differently by anyone in our family. It is just completely natural for us and, so far, we have only had positive reactions by the community.