Moms with Out of State Family

mrsare

Hey mommas,

Im looking for advice, opinions or suggestions. I live in another state than my parents, who are retired. i expressed to them several times that this time around i am going to need some help from them. I am going on 37 y.o with a 7 year old and we moved to our home less than 2 years ago and havent made solid friendships here yet. we have great neighbors but i dont know if i could or would feel comfortable knocking on their door at 2am if i go into labor and need them to watch my son, ya know? this pregnancy is becoming physically taxing as the weeks progress and baby is measuring just about 2 weeks ahead which i know doesnt mean a WHOLE lot but its something that i keep in mind. i asked my parents to PLEASE make arrangements to come back down by the 2nd week of February to cover our bases. Getting things in order, baby prep, postpartum prep, home projects that need to be tackled before baby etc. They are both retired and dont have a whole lot going on, so i figured it wouldnt be a large ask. However, i asked my mother just to find out what their plans were and what date they were thinking of coming and she tells me "we were thinking the last week of February". I was completely shocked. I know ive expressed to her clearly my needs, asked her numerous times if she had anything going on in Feb, told her that baby is measuring on the bigger side which could mean several things may come about and she still wants to come just about 2 weeks before my DD which is 3/12.

im trying my best not to stress or worry but id like to get my ducks in a row way sooner than i did with my first (i meal prepped my freezer the day my water broke! ftm problems haha). id also like to make other arrangements if necessary with other people who ARE working at the moment to come and give us a hand and not give them very little notice to make travel plans.

UGH. so very frustrating and i understand no one owes us a thing but since I did ask them for help and they did say they would, im very confused as to why they wouldnt be able to come when i asked and want to come 2 weeks closer to the DD. i could be overly emotional and overreacting or overthinking it but.... ill blame it on the pregnancy i guess!

tldr; out of state retired parents want to show up to help 2 weeks before my DD when i asked them to come about a  month prior as baby is measuring big and ahead by almost 2 weeks. wwyd?

any feedback is greatly appreciated yall! 💜

allfacestheoaks

My family situation: My mother lives out of state. She plans to work until she physically cannot but she is kind to always offer "what week would you like me to visit?" My father passed away years ago. My mil and fil live an hour away. Fil works, mil works the farm. Mil always offers "whatever you guys need, we can work something out."

My understanding of your situation: you're relatively new to the area. You don't have someone you can trust your 7 year old with, or someone you can rely on to on-call and dependable in the middle of the night, as is often the time women tend to go into labor. You'd feel most comfortable with your mom, and you would like help in the couple weeks leading up to the window of delivery because you have a lot to do and plan for and you're especially exhausted right now in the third trimester. You don't have the support you would like and you might be feeling anxious because of that. So you asked your parents specifically for the time frame you would like, by the 2nd week of Feb, and it sounds like you asked kindly. That's a great way to clearly communicate your desires! You have a lot to do and not much energy or stamina to do it. And your baby is measuring large and may naturally come towards the end of February. However, when you asked her about her plans she said they were thinking of coming towards the end of February which wouldn't give you the help you'd like so that you can get certain things done before Go Time. Your baby might even arrive before your mother. Not ideal! She didn't offer an explanation of why she heard your desire and is planning for a later arrival. You want to be kind and considerate, but you've been clear about when you would like her help and you may be feeling anxious, worried, and frustrated.

Best I can think, is to call her again. Share with her something positive, then why you want her earlier, and then thank her for whatever support she's going to offer while kindly asking her to reconsider the arrival date. Maybe something like "I really appreciate your willingness to come and help. It means a lot to me and I'm glad we'll have some time with you around my due date. I had let you guys know that I would love for you to come earlier because I have a lot to do and I might deliver around the time you arrive, maybe even before then. I'm feeling anxious about the timeframe you gave me because I think I won't have enough time to get this stuff done and then I'll really have a hard time. I really appreciate your support and I would feel relieved to have you with us not later than Feb ____." If she hasnt interrupted you by now, it would be great to close with something like "I want to be considerate of your needs and plans, but I have been feeling like I'll really need more support. I'd appreciate all the help you can give me during my last month. Could you please reconsider to Feb ___ for me?" The fact that she worded her statement "We were thinking. . . ." may be an indication she's open to reconsidering the date or negotiating it. We can hope!

mrsare

you hit the nail on the HEAD. thank you so much for your suggestion, it was perfect, concise, clear and still loving. this has helped settle my thoughts tremendously. i am going to reach out again and do exactly what you suggested. again, thank you for chiming in! 💜