Husband struggling to be emotionally supportive/understand pregnancy

knottiec09326da1e57fde5

Hi all,

Currently 9.5 weeks pregnant with my first. It’s been pretty smooth sailing over here—other than the occasional mood swing, fatigue, and breast tenderness not bad. Curious about how you all have navigated a partner who doesn’t seem to “get” pregnancy and is largely unsympathetic.

When I started feeling exhausted and I shared that with my husband, he didn’t ask any questions and just mentioned that it was easily manageable by eating a more nutritious diet and practicing good sleep hygiene (he’s a very healthy guy which I appreciate). When I said I really thought it was mostly the pregnancy, he implied I was being a bit dramatic and blaming things on the baby (“you love to blame your pregnancy”). I let it go.

I fainted in the bathroom while we were both getting ready in the morning a few weeks back and when I came to on the ground he was just staring at me while brushing my teeth saying “what the heck, you good?” I kind of took care of myself as he made himself breakfast and got the day started (although he checked in on me via text at work around noon).

He never asks me questions about how I’m feeling or how I’m doing, and has said he just doesn’t understand how he can be helpful if he can’t fix things. I tried to explain emotional support to him, and how, during labor, I’m not going to want to hear logical arguments about how women have gone through this before and it wouldn’t be so bad if I just followed the breathing exercises, but he just shut down and said in so few words “you just need to find appropriate times to demand this emotional support. Work hours, 10 PM in bed as we’re trying to go to sleep, those aren’t good times.” I am desperately trying to explain how I can’t really time when I’ll need his support and listening ear especially when I’m hormonal, and also for the rest of our lives because kids don’t care about routine. I’m worried he’s really going to have trouble adapting to life with a child when he realizes children are needy and emotional and do not respond to or care about your perfectly planned routine and day. Is anyone else with a highly logical (but genuinely lovable, he’s going to make a great dad in so many ways) partner trying to navigate this? What has proved helpful? I suggested childbirth classes and he said he’ll go but he knows everything since his mom is a nurse and taught them previously. He feels incredibly confident in his knowledge of all things pregnancy and children which makes communicating with him difficult.

Edit: I’ve tried to explain how I’m my own pregnant person, not his mom or his best friends wife etc., and my needs and experiences will be unique, but he’s either not buying it or doesn’t want to. Logical arguments, ironically, only seem to go so far 😬

knottieab946e41a4d2d58c

He sounds emotionally unavailable. Was he cold like this prior to pregnancy?

mhstephanie

Hello! First off, congratulations! That's awesome! My husband and I had a hard time at first when I got pregnant. He was unsympathetic when I had my first confirmed pregnancy, but than miscarried. He didn't understand why I was so upset. I than got pregnant a month later and he was upset and worried and he slowly started to come around. (My husband is an electrical engineer and uses logic 24/7.) The best thing you can do is keep explaining over and over until he gets it. Does he like to read? My husband bought a few books on becoming a Dad and it helped put a lot into perspective for him on what I was going through and what he was going through. (He needs to break that book out now because I'm pregnant with our 2nd and his reaction was not great.)
They just need time to adjust to it and once that baby comes, routines change and new ones star. He needs to realize that and be understanding of that as well. My husband and I talked a lot about the baby, what we were hoping to do and how we wanted to achieve those goals, but it's not always going to be easy. Just remember that! Whenever I would get upset and he didn't understand I had to ask him to please have patience and know that pregnant women have hormone imbalances and that we do cry and get upset rather quickly. The only thing that concerns me is that you fainted and he just stood there brushing his teeth while you came to. Wth?!?!

knottiec09326da1e57fde5

This is super helpful!! I think secretly he’s a little overwhelmed. He doesn’t say it but it’s clear when things don’t make sense or he can’t fix it with logic it scares/frustrates him. I know he’s going to be great once he navigates all of this but maybe just being the “bad guy” and forcing him to read/be with uncomfortable emotions now will be easier when the baby comes. My dream is that he’ll be emotionally proactive but getting him to even be emotionally reactive would be amazing!

mhstephanie

I am not sure why, but the last post I made is no longer available. But if your husband likes to read, I did suggest a book called "The New Father: A Dad's Guide to the First Year. This book helped my husband understand how I was feeling, what I was going through and helped him with how he was feeling about the whole pregnancy. I am sure that once the baby comes, he will rise up and definitely do his part in taking care of the baby. A new baby is always scary, especially the first one!