Weekly Panic Thread 11/2

dmcg17

Use this board to share your fears and ask any questions that you have!  

Weekly Theme: Boundaries - What are some boundaries you plan to set with your family and friends once your little one arrives?  How are you planning on implementing them?  STM+, how have you gone about setting and keeping boundaries in the past?

chelleylin

Call it lucky or unlucky, but in terms of family, I might have to ask them to visit if I want to see them... My sister is due around the same time as me and has other children, so needs more help.
My in laws are a three hour flight away, so I feel that their visit may not be right away either.
My friends are usually pretty respectful about not showing up without reaching out first, even without a baby.

I do feel like I need boundaries before the little one comes...I have some friends and family members asking me every day what's going on, as if one time, I may tell them that the baby's here...I will call them when baby comes! Hopefully in a month! The daily calls are getting frustrating.

booksandicecream

I have already shared that my ILs were so overbearing for Baby #1 that when my husband received an offer to move to South Africa for 3 years I reacted with "HECK YES GET ME OUT OF HERE" and we did it. I am generally a calm and logical person, but I reacted very strongly to the fact that they simply assumed they were equal carers and justified in making decisions about my child.
My general advice would be: take what you're feeling now and double it - that's how strongly you'll feel once baby is here. You will be exhausted and in pain with raging/crashing hormones. If you have gut feelings about how you'll feel, trust them. Everyone aside from mom and dad/partner is optional. If you want them there, they should be. If you don't, they shouldn't be. (Gets down off soap box)

booksandicecream

As far as practical tips, the plan for this baby is my house is my space.
We will see ILs at their house (they only live 2 miles away). My SIL can see us there. It's more work for me, but it keeps things on my terms. I actually appreciate my ILs, so I'm trying to avoid a repeat of last time.
My out-of-town parents will come for a week or so at the beginning of January. That's fine for my dad, who is really helpful. It's too long for my mother, but they're a 2-for-1 deal. I know it's going to stress me out, but it's a compromise I've accepted. 

ahrob135

My panic this week are visitors (more specifically in laws)! Everyone but my in laws understand that we don’t want to have any visitors at the hospital or at our house for at least a month (minimum). STM - what did you do about people going against your wishes? I have a feeling my in laws will just show up unannounced (they’ll have to fly across country). My SIL already gave a heads up that they will be staying with her the week before and after Christmas but not sure the week of (my due date). My MIL is jealous that my mom will get to see the baby first but I’ve made it clear she’s coming to take care of me not to socialize and see the baby 😭

my in laws have been staying with us for a couple weeks after the baby shower and it’s caused nothing but stress and anxiety

clt2pwm11

I'm like @chelleylin. I'm gonna have to beg family to visit me. In fact, it's caused a lot of sadness and depression this week. I was counting on my sister to watch my son while I'm in the hospital, but found out yesterday she won't be able to because her husband is having a very important surgery. My mother died when I was little and my mother in law passed about 4 years ago. It's a constant source of pain for us not having family to help. 

I'm actually going to see my GP about a low dose of something to help. I already feel like my hormones are plummeting. I'm terrified of how depressed I'm going to be post partum based on how low I feel this week. I tried to go back on my usual dose earlier on in the pregnancy but it made me really sick so I'm hopeful a low dose for two weeks will help my body acclimate.

Sorry for being a downer. Just been a hard week.

dmcg17

I've already told my family that I don't want visitors at the hospital (from all of my friends who had children before/during/after Covid, they really enjoyed the excuse to not have visitors) and just want time for my husband and I to adjust to being new parents for a bit before bringing more people into it.  I'd really like to do what my SIL did and just have both sides of the family (parents and siblings) over on a weekend after she's born so that no one gets to be "first," but we're also going to need to rely on family to take care of our pets while we're in the hospital.  Since there's lots of talk of her coming early, my MIL mentioned to my SIL that if she comes before Thanksgiving that they could all bring me food in the hospital and my husband shut that down real quick (thankfully)!  I appreciate the sentiment, but REALLY just don't need people coming into the hospital when I'm learning how to be a new mom, figuring out my body, and everything else that comes with this journey.

@clt2pwm11 Wishing you all the best - that definitely sounds hard and hoping that the lose dosage helps.  We're all here for you if you need to vent or connect. ❤️

mayghen18

I told my in laws and my parents they could be in the waiting room and allowed to visit after I birth the baby as long as everyone has their vaccines and respects my other wishes (such as no kisses!!!) I am very fortunate and have a fantastic relationship with both my parents and my in laws 🩷🩷 in terms of being at the house no longer than an hour or two when visiting and they will only get to hold the baby when I want them to 😅

madimom95

My in laws are allowed to come see the baby at the hospital after he is born. As far as after most of the family and friends know that we will be very low key and to call first. With my family none of them came to visit when my first son was born, my mom I know just doesn’t have the money to visit but my dad and step mom I know have a way and they still never made the effort even after we invited them just like @chelleylin  and @clt2pwm11 I’m bummed but at the same time I don’t have the best relationship with my dad and step mom. 

As a STM my first was born far away my in laws gave us two weeks to recoup before they flew out and visit d and it was nice. It’s okay to tell people you aren’t ready for visitors and to please leave you alone at this time. It’s your baby and your personal time with baby. I would go ahead and tell them now so nobody is surprised. 

madimom95

also recommend when you are in the hospital to keep it limited to who knows you are there! You are allowed to wait to announce any info when it comes to your baby/ labor. This time we’re only telling my in-laws because they will be watching our son during this time 

cuveema12-23

Our current plan is telling everyone we don’t know how I/ the baby will feel and any invitations will be offered. Absolutely no “dropping in”. My husband has been made responsible for any and all in-law communication because I think I will feel guilty and be unable to confront any inappropriate behavior post birth.  Thankfully he’s 100% supportive of us having family time and is starting to understand how poorly I may feel (physically and emotionally).  This is our first so I will say we laid down visiting groundwork/ rules really early. As for friends- every time they ask if the baby is here I started giving really sarcastic answers like “yup I was startled yesterday and he just popped out!” Or something like that until they have stopped asking- it’s been fairly effective thus far! 

booksandicecream

Good to see so many people setting healthy boundaries! This reads much less like a panic thread and more like a list of solid plans.

@clt2pwm11 My best friend's mom died when she was young as well. She really struggled with that loss when she had her first child. For her at least it was easier the second time. She found a lot of joy in watching her eldest (who was 6) become an older sibling and focusing on her nuclear family  
It's good you're thinking proactively and seeing your GP for help. Sending you positive thoughts going into the new week!