20 week miscarriage/still birth

kootenayangiebee55

I'm looking for support and individuals that could relate. 
We were told at our 20 week ultrasound that our baby girl had died 2- 3 weeks prior. They also stated she had abnormalities occurring, likely causing her death. 

I went into labour and delivered the fetus the day after receiving the news.

What I'm struggling with are these things:

I felt/feel pressured to connect with the body. 
I felt/feel pressured to name her and make arrangements for a funeral.
I feel pressured that I need to be honoring her in a physical way. 

I really struggle with this because I view the human body as a shell. So when she died 3 weeks ago, she left. I connect and grieve her through my thoughts and messages sent out the universe. 

All of the reading I have done, and stories I have read all talk about holding their baby, honoring them, giving them that time to be in your arms and I didn't want to do any of that.
I wanted to have the remains of her out-of my body as quickly as possible so I could move in to grieving her, connecting with her, loving her and trying to find a way to connection with her spirit. 

We are doing an autopsy and getting her cremated but honestly the cremation was only because I felt pressured to do so by the doctor. I actually wanted her remains donated to science for future studies. But they don't do that where we live. And I was basically told it was my responsibility to organize funeral arrangements. 
To me and my husband, we view this more as a miscarriage then the loss of a child. We understand that cells don't always multiply/divide properly and these things happen.
We are heartbroken. We are going to grieve and mourn the loss of the daughter we expected to have come into our lives happy and healthy. We will ALWAYS think of her and the life that could have been.
But we don't want to be connected to her remains.

Can anyone relate to this? And suggest other ways to honour her short (in utero) life that doesn't involve having a funeral, giving her a name or looking at pictures/holding the body? 

karla8318

hello. First of all, I am so sorry you had to experience this. There is no right or wrong way to deal with this, whatever you and your husband are comfortable with is your personal decision. It’s very difficult to deal with and I think everyone handles it differently. Did you have any clothing or blankets that you had gotten? You could make these into a quilt or bear to honour and remember your little one. Just an idea. I just lost twins early in my pregnancy and when I was going through that, just having the nurse tell me that they would always be with me was something nice for me to hear.  Hope you’re doing ok 

00kim00

I'm so sorry for your loss. We all grieve differently, and that's ok. Not everyone has a funeral, even if they were on this earth a long time... It's actually hard for me to imagine a funeral for a child no one ever met. Since you did have her cremated, you can scatter her ashes someplace that was special during your pregnancy. A baby I know who died was given a memorial tree in a grove in Oregon (i think). I lost a baby in utero, and I got a nose stud in what would have been her birthstone and have worn it ever since. I know others who have honored their losses with tattoos- some are names, others are something else symbolic.

kootenayangiebee55

Thank you so much! This actually helps more than you can imagine. Those ideas are all things that I feel would fit for me and help me honour the life we made space for in ours. Thank you.

pavingtheroad

I had a loss at 13 weeks. It’s perfectly acceptable to grieve however YOU feel best for you and your family. If that’s naming the baby, a funeral, etc great, if it’s none of those that’s fine to. We all grieve in different ways ans there is no right or wrong. Just because you aren’t feeling like doing something today doesn’t mean you can’t down the road. I’m sorry for your loss.

lmkrul

What was some of your symptoms when you learned you had a miscarriage at 13 weeks? 

pavingtheroad

I initially went to the ER the day before for one sided pain. It wasn’t unbearable but just felt off and nothing was helping. Spent hrs in the ER for the dr to feel my stomach and say whatever happens will happen. The next day around noon I began feeling pain again but on both sides and as time went on it got worse. Around 430pm I told my husband I needed to go back to the ER as it felt like labour pains I had with my daughter. 4 hrs later I had a natural miscarriage. Both days I had spotting and light bleeding right up until just before the miscarriage then it was full on bleedinf