New Here and not doing very well

wj2023

Hi all. I'm very new to this but today after a pretty bad panic attack I figured I had to try to do something or I will go crazy. I just turned 34 (female) and my husband (41 male) and we started trying for a baby in May 2022 when I was 33. From the beginning when I saw that it was taking longer than I thought I had a bad feeling that I couldn't really explain but was always told to wait and just "relax". In September 2022 i insisted we both get checked, I went to my doctor and he went to his to get any and all tests done to see if something was wrong. I did a bunch of hormone analysis as well as blood/urine tests and everything came back normal. I also have a very regular cycle and have been tracking ovulation and always ovulate on days 12-14. His semen analysis came back and basically he has very little sperm. The quality/motility are not bad, but the quantity is severely lacking. This was a really hard pill for me to swallow because my husband always thought I was being paranoid and so did our respective doctors but turns out my gut feeling was right (unfortunately). IDK why but getting that news made me extremely angry, because it confirmed that I was not crazy and my intuition was correct, but I had to put all that aside to support my husband. Around October/November we went to an andrologist that did an MRI on him, and turns out he has a cyst (calcium deposit, not cancer) in his prostrate that it blocking most of the sperm to come out of the tubes connected with ejaculation. Surgery is not an option as it's a very delicate area and no guarantees it would work/it could come back in a few months as cysts can be cyclical in nature. So this andrologist prescribed him a low dose antibiotic and anti-inflamatory to try and reduce the prostate inflammation. He just finished his first 3 weeks of that medication cycle (it's 3 weeks on and 3 weeks off) and had to do another semen analysis to see if it helped. If it didn't then he repeats this medication cycle until basically I get pregnant. If I'm being honest I'm not too optimistic that this will work because although he follows the treatment to a T he still drinks alcohol regularly and has a terible diet and I feel like that is contributing to this issue. He used to smoke to until October 2022 and only stopped because I finally just had a huge meltdown about it. I'm growing more angry and more resentful of him every day that he isn't doing more in his power to fix this issue. I want to be a mom more than I want to breathe and he is the one holding me back but I can say that out loud because I would sound like such a terrible person. At this point I want to go straight to some kind of infertility treatment to see what my options are. Before I was super against this but now I honestly don't care. Im thinking about trying to see my doctor this week but I don't even know the questions to ask in this case. Should I try for an IUI or go straight to IVF? What would be the success rate for both? What additional tests would we need to do before either one of those things? If anyone has been in this situation or something similar before and can advise me of how to start and what questions to ask and what to look for that would be really appreciated.
Also, I have heard time and time again that I am young, I am healthy, it hasn't even been a year so I should just relax and wait it will happen etc and I have to say those comments infuriate me so please don't tell me that. When you want to have a child you just want it to happen, you don't want to delay it indefinitely until someone else's health problem is fixed which is exactly how I feel about my husband right now even though I feel really guilty for thinking that way. This situation is eating away at me and slowly ruining our marriage. I'm also losing sleep, losing my appetite, losing interest in things I used to love like being active in the gym and being with friends, because trying to conceive is consuming me and my life and crushing me. And I just feel so sad and angry all the time because I don't see my husband affected by this at all, but mostly i just feel really alone because all my friends are getting pregnant easily and I am not. So I don't know what else to do or where to turn to. This morning a friend of mine who wasn't even sure she wanted to be a mom told me she was pregnant after trying for just a few months and I just lost it. Have been crying all day am just completed paralyzed by this. And nothing my husband says makes me feel better and the only thing he can do to help would be to get me pregant and he can't do that. So I am just lost, confused, sad, really angry, and mostly just feel very very alone. Any advice as to where to turn to next regarding fertility treatments to regain some control of this process would be great. :'(

ttc3y

@wj2023 I am so sorry you are going through this. As someone who also dealt with a partner with male factor infertility, I can relate to the resentment you are feeling towards your husband especially when he is not doing everything in his power to change behaviors and lifestyle that would significantly improve the potential outcomes of getting pregnant. What is even more unfair is that the IUI/ IVF process and burden falls directly on the woman’s shoulders and there is no major consequences to motivate him to pull his weight with infertility. His body won’t get treated like a lab rat with incessant testing, poking, prodding, injections, cycles of medication, and invasive procedures. All he needs to do is give a sperm sample and move on. I get it. I’ve been there. And it’s a sexist situation in my personal opinion.

My first recommendation is to seek the help of a relationship counselor as soon as possible. You don’t want the resentment to continue to snowball and ruin your marriage. Without a strong marriage, it will be more difficult to bring and raise a child into this world. And while my husband didn’t fully step up to the plate and do everything in his power to improve his situation in a timely manner, he did show up in other ways later on. I have had to work hard to let go of my resentment with him for not being entirely perfect in the process and what has helped is to focus on the positive changes he did make. He did stop drinking alcohol 3 months before the egg retrieval, started eating a healthier diet, increased exercise, and finally took supplements to improve his sperm quality and numbers. He made the changes in time for the IVF process but not early enough to attempt natural conception before my biological clock was going to tank at 38yo.

If you do choose to use ART, I would recommend skipping IUI and just go straight to IVF. With a low sperm count, I don’t think the chances with IUI will be good. He still would need to produce enough healthy sperm to be successful with IUI and he does not seem committed enough to get his sperm quality and count high enough. At least with IVF, the embryologist can pick the best looking sperm individually and inseminate your eggs. I think IVF will give you a higher chance of a successful pregnancy sooner.

I hope you and your partner can find ways to resolve your differences, find a healthy way to let go of your resentment and heal your marriage. The fertility journey is not so straight forward for everyone and it can be a winding journey with plenty of twists and turns. I wish you the very best navigating this journey! ❤️

nolagrl86

I am so sorry to hear about your struggles. I get your anger and you are not a terrible person for it! I agree with the above reply 100%, but I also wanted to interject that while you can see your regular Dr. and they can perhaps give you a referral, you usually can call and schedule an appointment with a REI directly. Be upfront with your REI and let them know the testing that has already taken place and what your expectations are. I would suggest starting on the SART website or fertility IQ and find a fertility clinic with the highest success rates in your area. https://www.fertilityiq.com/provider_search 

Good luck with everything.

inthewoods23

Sorry I'm going to be pretty blunt for a lot of this but first of all - take a deep breath. I agree with PP that counseling can be really helpful with sorting out all your feelings when it comes to TTC and IF.

It can take a healthy couple up to a year to conceive so going to a doctor after 4-5 months... I can see why they all felt you were being paranoid. Frankly the times I've been around someone who has whined after 3 or 4 months that they haven't conceived I've wanted to slap them in the face because I took YEARS to even conceive a baby - and then I lost that one. It took me a whole other year and a billion more additional tests that RE's don't even do to conceive again. It sucks that you were right, but there's no shame in taking longer to conceive naturally than others. I think the stats are something like 50% of couples will conceive by 6 months. That leaves a lot of couples who will take longer than that!

Secondly, please please PLEASE keep in mind that there's only so much that you can do to improve sperm. It sounds like his sperm isn't even an issue anyway, it's just the cyst causing a blockage that prevents it from appearing in his seminal fluid. Be resentful all you want, but you can't be blaming your husband for an issue he has no control over. He's probably hurting enough as it is that he has this issue and your anger at him isn't going to help or make him want to improve his diet, cut back on drinking, etc. which may not even improve anything reproductively for him anyway.

So calm the f*ck down, be supportive of your husband, give the antibiotics and everything time to work and try for a couple cycles, and decide as a couple what you want to pursue after so many rounds of it if you still haven't conceived. If he doesn't go through with the surgery then IVF is likely what will be recommended because his quantity is so low. Idk if freezing a few collections of sperm for a future IUI is an option so that you don't have to go through the big expense of IVF. Fresh sperm is always best though so maybe it isn't an option as RE's typically like a few million sperm minimum for the IUI.

And just so you know, the process of IVF takes time. Even getting a consultation with an RE could be a months long wait. There may be additional tests they'll want to run and then based on those results they'll know how to best proceed into IVF which then they work you into their schedule based on when your cycle starts. Then there's the option of testing the embryos to check for abnormalities which means freezing the embryos first before transferring them because it takes a couple weeks to get the results back. I just don't want you going into this thinking you'll be pregnant by summer! In my case I had IVF done in early June and then didn't have my embryo transfer for another few months in September since we opted to have our embryos tested. Timeline varies from clinic to clinic.

Good luck!

ts1994

Infertility is never a great experience. My husband is infertile (he has a genetic condition and we'd have to resort to not only ivf but also another $5,000 procedure to extract the sperm he does have that can't be released naturally) so we had to swallow the tough pill of using a donor. Not many would be okay with this. Our ivf consultation left us considering a donor and IUI. Not only does the timeline vary sometimes a donor (on either side) is necessary. Hopefully it doesn't come to this for you, but it's something both of you should consider! IVF doesn't have as great of a success rate as many may think and though it's more than other fertility treatments, exploring other options are also important

relizabethp

Hi!
Im sorry you are having such a hard time. Infertility is a hard pill to swallow. Perhaps what might be best is that you take a step backwards before pushing forwards in order to get yourself together mentally and emotionally for whatever may lay ahead. I understand desperately wanting something but you are being consumed by this singular goal and it is not healthy.

I know in my own journey , which spanned 4 years and included a second term loss, I stepped back multiple times because i was falling apart and going forward would have made me and every one around me miserable and be to the detriment to myself, my husband and our relationship. It was as better that i took the time to feel like myself again both physically and emotionally vs trying to jump from one stressful situation into a more horrible, stressful situation.

Additionally, to echo @inthewoods23 it sounds like the issue with your husband is the blockage causing low sperm count and not necessarily sperm quality. My husband also smoked, drank and had a horrific diet and we created 18 embryos - of those that we tested they were all 5AA and 4AA ratings. His lifestyle didn’t impact his sperm what so ever. If you do begin working with a fertility specialist I would ask them to analyze the sperm for quality and perhaps that might ease some of your resentment.