Help! MIL troubles. I’m going insane!

jackie2393

I have the sweetest, most amazing, and gentile, 72 year old mother in law whom I’m blessed to have. I just had my baby almost 3 months ago and she’s been nothing but as happy and excited. My daughter is the first granddaughter after 3 grandsons. She’s wanted nothing but a granddaughter/daughter after having 3 sons herself. I’ve got about a month left of my maternity leave and she is whom will be taking care of my baby while me and my husband work. So, she’s been living with us for about 2 weeks now to see how I do things with the baby. But I tried to show her at least once and she started doing it herself. Not like how I did most things but it was okay until then. Now, she won’t let me hold her, she won’t let me feed her, almost won’t let me be with her at night until I fought that. I wasn’t able to dress her or change her diaper. Pretty much to the point where, I was just… the mother, not the parent. I started getting really bad separation anxiety because I couldn’t get her without having to go through playing a game of tug of war. Im too nice to say, “No. I’ve got it.” So I let her do so because it’s something she’s anticipated for years. A granddaughter, at last. But it’s costing my sanity and anxiety of knowing my time to spend with my baby is running out. I feel it’s overlapping care. I should mention that as of late she has started to ignore the feeding schedule and sleeping schedule I had for my baby. She feeds her as she pleases or every time she hears the baby cry she’ll want to stick a bottle in her mouth. Sometimes every hour! My daughter is formula fed. So getting fed every hour her full 4-5 oz is a lot. As a result, she is vomiting and spitting up very often because she has no time to digest her previous meal. I feel I have lost control over my own child and I’ve no idea how to treat this situation. I’m going mad just watching her wanting to raise my child. My separation anxiety is through the roof because I’m allowing her to live her dream of having a girl, finally! But at what cost? My husband says I should express my feelings to her and she’d understand but I feel she may take it the wrong way and get hurt. Granted, she’ll have her own way of doing things when I’m at work, but shouldn’t she respect my wishes on how to do things with her? Am I wrong for this?

00kim00

I think the only thing "wrong" with your approach so far is that you're the one trying to play interference with your MIL. Your husband needs to take point on this. Yes, if it's simple you can absolutely talk to MIL about how to do things, but she's not listening to you, so your husband needs to lay down the law and step in as dad one how you (both!) want to parent your child. You're right that she may take it the wrong way, get hurt, etc. if you're the one yelling her what she can and can't do. When it's family talking to family, those bonds and history soften that and it's backed by a lifetime of trust and love. Even if your relationship with your MIL is great, you still don't have that mother-child bond and history with her. At this point, to I'd focus on getting your husband to step up. I'd probably try one more time with MIL, emphasizing your feelings about going back to work, and how now that you're comfortable she knows the routine (yes, I know you're not comfortable with everything she's doing right now, but that builds her up and reinforces your need), you really need this time with the baby for your mental health before you go back to work. Then your husband gets serious about what you need: the schedule, when to feed and not feed, etc. 

Your feelings are TOTALLY valid. And remember, as much as your point of view is that MIL wants a daughter/granddaughter and so is taking over, I her her point of view is that she's trying really hard to help you, give you some time to yourself before you have to go back to work, not bother you about how to do things, make sure baby is well fed and happy/not crying, etc. I'm sure she only has the best intentions and will understand your need to have more time with the baby before you go back to work (doing things your way vs her way may be a tougher sell, but that's your husband's job to enforce).

knottiec5050144c4a4e9e2

Sounds like you’re parenting/protecting your MIL instead of your baby. Being with you is what you and your baby needs most. Being a new doll for your MIL is simply not a necessity. 

j-redd222

I agree that you should have your husband take lead on the conversation. I also think it’s interesting that you said you’re too nice to say that you’ve got things handled with your child. Not saying that isn’t nice, it’s passive and ultimately neglectful of yourself, your feelings and your needs. I am a more soft spoken person as well and had spent quite a bit of time trying to appease others in numerous ways with this kind of approach and it’s not something that’s good for anyone. What you’re saying when you do this is that your feelings aren’t valid or don’t matter as much and your needs don’t deserve to be met. If you want more time with your baby then take it. If she tries to take her you’re allowed to say, “I appreciate it but I’m really enjoying these little moments with her right now.” That’s not a mean statement and if she gets upset by that, that’s something she needs to work through on her own. Start standing up for yourself in a respectful way. This shows that you have confidence in what you’re doing as a mother and what you say will ultimately hold more weight as a result- I know it did for me. 

In regards to schedule, I wouldn’t have someone watch my child- family or not- if they disregarded my wishes on how to raise my child or ignored rules I clearly put into place. My in laws have expressed a desire to watch my children, however, because I don’t want my children learning bad habits that are very present within their home I said no and limited contact to group events and times that they can see them while I or my husband are present and able to monitor situations. I understand that you have a good relationship with her and you want that to continue but if you’re not comfortable then it’s not true help, it’s you sacrificing yourself and your daughters childhood for her happiness. If you have your husband seriously speak with her and she still chooses to ignore both of your wishes I would simply have someone who will follow your wishes watch your child. 

For reference, a babysitter I trust did hours of research on gentle parenting because I told her that is how I parent my children and how I’d like them to be parented when I’m not there. She is fantastic, takes notes of everything schedule wise that I want to know, send pictures and updates and reaches out if there’s a situation she’s unsure of to make sure it’s handled properly- my way. You know the best way to parent and care for your child and you should not allow anyone to make you feel out of control of how your baby is cared for. 

nken20

I think both of you and your husband should step in and tell her about your concerns. I think she'll understand it as long as you both explain it to her gently.